Dark Secret
by Guenwhyvar
Summary: Lizzie has a secret that will change the lives of her friends and family forever. Chapter 35 is up. Thanks for all the reviews. Please review and let me know what you think. I love the comments you guys have been giving me.
1. Nightmare

The observer watched a cute little blonde haired, brown eyed girl wearing a summer outfit consisting of a white tee shirt with a blue & yellow floral pattern with lace frills on the neck & arms, a pair red shorts and red athletic shoes as she approached a six foot high fence of redwood planks. The observer could see that the girl was thoroughly enjoying the relatively new privilege of being able to walk to and from her friends homes by herself. She was taking a shortcut through an empty lot on her way home from playing at her friends house when she noticed that she was behind another of her friends house. She decided to see if the friend who lived there was home and peeked through a knot hole in the wooden fence unaware of the fact that her every move, even her thoughts are being watched by an invisible observer. The watcher knowing what she will see tells her not to look but the girl looks any way. The observer could see and feel the shock and surprise at what the girl saw when she peered through the knot hole. The observer could also feel the intense curiosity that was kindled in the girl by what she had seen.

As the girl moved to the virtually invisible opening in the fence that is hidden by bushes on both sides of the fence. The girl and her friends call this their secret passage way. As she started to make her way through the opening the observer called to her telling her to turn away and go home instead. The observer did not want to follow the girl because she already knew what was on the other side of the fence but had no choice but to follow. As soon as the observer was through the fence she could see the typical suburban backyard of a typical tract house. There was a small patio off the the back of the house. There was the usual patio furniture set up on the patio. What was not usual was the darkness on the patio. A darkness that was unaffected by the bright summer sunshine coming down from the clear blue sky. It was a palpable blob of darkness waiting on the patio as if it were luring its prey into a deadly trap. The observer also knew that the little girl couldn't see the darkness for what it was like she could.

As the little girl approached the darkness with the observer following closely behind she saw both her own reflection and the little girl's in the mirror like finish of the spotlessly clean sliding glass doors. The observer could see her own long blond hair and brown eyes, white tee shirt and form fitting red pants. She could also see that she looked exactly like an older version of the little girl. Which was true because she was the little girl only 4 years older. She also knew that her younger self couldn't see or hear her but that didn't stop her from trying to keep the little girl from doing what she knew was gonna happen. Just like the observer knew what was going to happen, when the little girl was in arms length of the being of evil and darkness. Her heart seemed to skip a beat as her younger self reached out and touched it. As the little girl touched the darkness he observer saw it nibble away at the little girl's innocence and plant a seed of darkness in her soul.

As the observer watched time began to speed up and the little girl returned again and again to the darkness. At first she returned out of curiosity but later it was out of fear. Each time the darkness would nibble away at the girl's soul. Sometimes there were more than one blob of darkness that came to eat away at the girls innocence and her soul. Then all of a sudden there was a period where there was no darkness and the little girl, who was now a couple years older, seemed to be happy for the most part. Then all of a sudden the darkness returned with many others like it to finally finish consuming the girl's innocence and the observer started to scream. As the dark beings engulfed and swallowed the girl the observer continued to scream. Suddenly Lizzie McGuire woke up drenched in sweat with her heart pounding frantically in her chest.


	2. Morning

Lizzie looked around her semi-dark room then at her alarm clock before she realized that she was sitting up in bed. She saw that it was 5:49 am and decided that it was too late to go back to sleep even if she could. It was to early to take a shower because it would at least wake her mom up and that was the last thing she wanted to do right now. So Lizzie got out of bed and pulled on her bathrobe as she went over to her computer. As she walked across the room she realized that this was the third time this week that she had had this nightmare.

As soon as the computer finished turning on she got online and checked her email out of habit. After checking her email Lizzie considered setting up an online journal for the hundredth time but she still had reservations about using one and still preferred using her old diary instead. Ever since she discovered that Matt had found it she quit using it for any real stuff about her life that Matt might use to blackmail, torment or embarrass her. She knew that if she couldn't write about these things soon she would loose it and do something that she'd regret later but if Matt ever found out it would be even worse. After giving a big sigh she pulled out her diary and started writing about her latest nightmare.

Once she had finished writing Lizzie reviewed her entries for the previous two weeks and what she saw alarmed her. She'd had seven nearly identical nightmares in that period. She knew from what she had learned watching TV and read about in magazines, that wasn't good at all and if she didn't talk to someone she'd eventually go nuts. Lizzie waited for what she had always thought of as her inner self to make an exaggerated comment on that but nothing happened. Then she realized that ever since the end of this past summer she hadn't heard anything from her inner self at all. This scared her even more. She had to talk to someone soon but who could she trust.

Normally she talked about most things with either Gordo, Miranda or both of them and for really serious things her parents. There was no way she could talk to her parents about this. Gordo was out as well because not only would he over analyze it, he was a guy and she definitely didn't want to talk to a guy about this. Now she could tell Miranda except for the fact that Miranda couldn't keep secrets. This only left Kate as a possible person to talk to and she knew that once Kate gave her word to keep a secret she kept it.

Lizzie remembered the time she was over at Kate's house and they had gone swimming in the Sanders new backyard swimming pool. She had to borrow one of Kate's bikinis because she hadn't brought hers. Kate's bikini was a little too big so after they had gotten wet they loosened up a little. Then when she dove off the diving board the bottom came off and she hadn't realized it until after she climbed out and saw the bottoms floating in the pool. Then she recalled the time when she had laughed so hard that she had an accident and peed her pants. Then there was the time in 4th grade when she had a crush on Gordo and she told Kate that she loved him. Each time Lizzie had asked Kate to promise not to tell anyone and Kate kept her promises, even when we weren't friends in Jr. high.

Lizzie was glad that she and Kate had rekindled their old friendship. It had been a long time coming but finally on their first day of high school that it happened. It had been due largely to the fact that both of them had missed Danny Kessler's end of summer party on the last day of summer vacation. The entire graduating class of Hillridge Jr. High had been invited. Every one who had attended had gotten very ill and had missed the first two weeks of school. During that time Lizzie and Kate had hung out with each other. At first it was merely for the comfort given of a familiar face when surrounded by a sea of new faces but soon they realized that without their other friends around they had no problems with each other. After discussing it they decided that it was silly for them to not be friends just because Miranda didn't like Kate and Claire didn't like Lizzie.

They had even talked about the fact that even when they were enemies in Jr. High they had never broken any of the promises they had made to each other. So Lizzie knew without a doubt that she could definitely trust Kate but it would be nice if she could trust Miranda with her secretl. At that thought Lizzie had an idea of a way to find out if Miranda had out grown her tendency to tell secrets to anyone and everyone over the summer.

The sound of her alarm clock going off brought her out of her reverie. She was a little surprised that it was 6:30 already. Lizzie logged off the Internet then shut off her computer before getting started on getting ready for school.

As Lizzie was putting the finishing touches on her hair the phone rang. She quickly picked it up and said "Hi Miranda" in a cheerful tone before the caller had a chance to say anything."Red jeans, white red cross tank top, light red fleece jacket and white Reeboks."

"How did you know it was me?" Miranda asked.

"Who else would be calling at this time?" Lizzie replied. "You've called me at 7 on almost every single morning before school to find out what I'm gonna wear. Besides I have caller ID."

"Oh right." Miranda paused a second than added "I forgot about that. Why all the red though?"

"I just felt like it. Also they're the only clean clothes I have because I forgot to do my laundry." Lizzie heard Miranda laugh at that and she also thought she heard another muffled snicker but wasn't sure about it.

"So your mom's still making you do your own laundry these days." Miranda said in a teasing tone. "I just hope my mom doesn't hear about that."

"It's not hard to do but I keep forgetting that I have to do my own laundry if I want clean clothes to wear."

"Where's Gordo?" Miranda asked, "He usually calls by now."

"Remember he told us last night that he had an 8:00 doctors appointment with some kind of specialist."

"So it's only 7:00 now." Miranda countered.

"It almost an 1 ½ hour drive there so they've already left and you know he doesn't have a cell phone."

"That's right I forgot that. So what's up for today?"

"Just the usual but do you think you meet me at the bus stop a little early or better yet could your mom drive us to school today?"

"I'll ask but I think she might. Why?" Miranda asked.

"I've got a worm problem so I can't talk right now." Lizzie said which was a signal that they had agreed on for her to let Miranda and Gordo know that Matt was probably listening in on the phone. As soon as she said that Lizzie definitely heard another muffled snicker on the phone and her suspicions were confirmed.

"Ok. Hold on while I go ask." After Miranda said that Lizzie moved the phone away from her ear. A second later she heard quite well Miranda yelling on the other end for her mom. **"Mom."**

A second later Lizzie hear her mom's voice saying "Matt McGuire how many times have I told you not to listen in on your sister's phone calls?" She also heard a thump like the the extension downstairs being dropped then a click as it was hastily hung up. Lizzie smiled when she heard that.

"My mom said she'd give us a ride" Miranda said about half a minute later. "We'll pick you up in 20 minutes."

"Ok see you then." Lizzie said then hung up the phone and went downstairs for breakfast.


	3. At School

The door to the girls locker room swung open hard as Lizzie McGuire rushed out a little earlier than she usually left her last period PE class. A few seconds later Kate Sanders made an equally hasty exit as she tried to catch up with Lizzie.

"Lizzie" Kate called out to get Lizzie's attention as she rushed out of the girls locker room after her. "Please slow down." As Kate got closer she could see that Lizzie was crying. "What's wrong? Was it what they said in there? If it is don't worry about it 'cause they have all done something like that or will do something just as embarrassing as it sooner or later."

Lizzie stopped about ten feet from gym's main exit as the bell rang and turned to face Kate as she wiped the tears from her eyes. She sniffed a couple times before responding "It's not that. It's not about that at all but I can't tell you, not here," Lizzie nodded her head to the rest of the girls leaving the locker room to empathize her words, "not now."

"Oh," Kate as she looked at the other girls coming their way, "I guess you can't right now."

"We can talk in your car if you give me a ride home." Lizzie said hopefully.

"Sure I'll just get some things from my locker then meet you in the parking lot in about 10 or 15 minutes."

"Okay I'll meet you there." Lizzie said before heading to her own locker which was closer to the gym than Kate's was. Her locker was even closer to Miranda's locker which was located right next to Mr. Lang's room, which just happened to be where Miranda had her last period art class.

As Lizzie headed to her own locker to get the books she needed to do the assigned homework she thought of a perfect excuse for her to cancel her plans for going over to Gordo's house for their usual Friday movie night with her. By the time Lizzie about to turn the last corner to her locker she had quit crying but she knew that the way her eyes undoubtedly look right now it was obvious that she had been crying. When Lizzie turned the last corner she saw Miranda waiting by her locker. "Perfect" said to herself under her breath. Although Lizzie wasn't nearly as mad at Miranda as she was disappointed, she knew she could easily act like she was, so it would seem perfectly natural for her to cancel those plans.

Miranda smiled waved as Lizzie approached the locker. "Lizzie I've got the perfect movies for tonight all picked out." Miranda said as if everything was normal.

"Miranda, how could you!" Lizzie exclaimed loudly.

"Well I know what we like and what we haven't seen yet." Miranda replied.

"I'm not talking about that and don't play dumb because you know very well what I'm talking about." Lizzie said angrily pausing just long enough for Miranda to start opening her mouth to say something, before continuing with her rant. "You remember what I told you this morning. You promised not to say anything about it to anyone and now half the school knows." Lizzie was aware that she was exaggerating as soon as she said it but it felt good to say it any way. She paused long enough to take a breath before continuing her rant. " I bet you told the first person you met after leaving home room, didn't you. Did you really think I wouldn't find out about it? Did you actually think that the people you told wouldn't talk about it? Or did you think I was suddenly too dumb to understand what they were talking about?" Lizzie turned in a huff and started to open her locker.

Miranda responded defensively "I didn't tell anyone about it I swear. Honestly I didn't." Miranda paused long enough to take a breath as Lizzie yanked open the locker door. "Maybe it was somebody else you told who spread it."

Lizzie grabbed her backpack, making sure all the books she needed were in it before she slammed the door shut and turning to face Miranda again. "That's not possible because I didn't tell anyone else." she said while glaring at Miranda. "You were the only person I told it too."

"Well maybe Jason said something about it" Miranda said hesitantly with a nervous tone.

"Jason didn't know about it so how could he how could he tell anyone?" Lizzie watched as Miranda squirmed like she always did when caught in a lie. '_This is working better than I imagined_' she thought as she watched Miranda struggle with her conscience.

Finally Miranda said in an apologetic tone "I'm sorry. I just told one person." As soon a she said that Miranda could tell from the look on Lizzie's face that she wasn't buying that. "Ok, I told a few people. Well about half a dozen of the girls in my third period PE class. I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself." Miranda put on her best hurt puppy dog look as she continued to apologize. "I really am sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Normally Lizzie would have caved in and accepted the apology but she found that she was really hurt by the betrayal of her trust. "Miranda I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Damn it girl, you couldn't go more than a couple hours before betraying my trust and that really hurts me. I'm angry and upset with you and I really don't want to talk to you for a while. You and Gordo can just have the movie night without me because I'm just too upset to go. You can forget about trying to change my mind on the bus cause I'm getting a ride home with Kate."

Lizzie saw a stunned look come across Miranda's face after she had said that. Although Miranda had finally accepted that Lizzie had rekindled her friendship with Kate she still didn't like Kate and wanted nothing to do with her. Lizzie knew that saying that would be like a slap in the face for Miranda when she said it but what surprised her was the satisfaction she felt when she saw how much it had hurt her best friend's feelings. She felt a pang of guilt at that realization but Miranda's betrayal of her trust had hurt even worse. So Lizzie figured that Miranda deserved to be hurt a little in return. With that thought Lizzie turned on her heel and quickly walked away.


	4. The ride home with Kate

"Ok now were alone so what's the problem?" Kate asked as she drove out of the parking lot the new cream colored Geo Metro she got as present on her 16th birthday. Once Kate had realized that she would be the only freshman with a drivers license she finally admitted to being held back in kindergarten and was actually a year older than she had pretended to be.

"It's not at all about my dreaming about making out with Jason Foster, which by the way I didn't."

"You didn't?"

"No way!" Lizzie exclaimed with look of disgust. "For one thing I'm not attracted to him at all," Lizzie said putting up a finger to count off her points. "I guess he's ok looking but he's definitely not a hottie in my book. Another thing," putting up a second finger, "is that other than being in couple of classes together we have nothing in common. And last but not least he's such an L7. I just made the dream up."As she said those things Lizzie had considered telling Kate that Miranda had believed what Lizzie had said because a few days earlier Miranda told her that she thought Jason was cute. But Lizzie had given Miranda her word that she wouldn't tell anyone and at that thought she said silently to herself "When Lizzie McGuire gives her word she keeps it." Lizzie gave a little sigh as she thought about how disappointed and hurt she felt when she overheard the girls talking about it in the locker room.

"Well hurry up and tell me." Kate said impatiently when Lizzie's didn't continue right away.

"The problem is that I only told it to one person after they promised not to tell anyone."

"Let me guess, it was Sanchez." Kate said looking over at Lizzie who simply nodded her head. "Lizzie you know that girl couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it."

"I know but I had to find out for sure. It's possible that she could have learned how to keep a secret by now."

"You gotta be kidding, right." Kate said scornfully.

"Well I was kinda hoping for that." Lizzie replied sheepishly.

After almost a minute of silence Kate said "Tell me if I got this right. You've got something really important or embarrassing to talk about with someone. Someone who you're sure won't tell anyone else, let alone tell the whole school about it. Also this is probably something you feel you can't talk to Gordo or your folks about." Kate finished with a smug look on her face as she waited for a response. After a few seconds without a reply prompted an answer saying "Well am I right?"

Lizzie was a little surprised at Kate's accurate assessment of the situation because she had not expected for Kate to catch on so quickly. Although she knew that Kate was a lot smarter and a lot less shallow than she let everyone believe she was, Lizzie still sometimes underestimated her. After a number of seconds Lizzie hesitantly said "Yes you are."

As they pulled in to the McGuire's driveway Kate said, "Lizzie you know can talk to me about any time about anything."

Lizzie thought about what Kate had just said before saying "Kate," as Lizzie said that she could feel the icy grip of fear pulling and twisting her insides making her want to not say anything. Lizzie reminded herself that she had to tell someone or it would drive her crazy. "I uh ... I do have something that I need to talk about and I was hoping that maybe we could talk for a while? Could you come over tonight to watch some movies or something and we could talk then?"

Kate saw that Lizzie was anxiously waiting for her answer. As soon as she had heard Lizzie's question there was no way that she pass up this opportunity because she too had something she wanted to talk to Lizzie about as well and this was the perfect opportunity. "Sure I would, but shouldn't we ask your mom first to see if it's ok?"

"I guess so, but I'm sure she won't mind." Lizzie said then grabbed her stuff and got out of the car. "Let's go ask her."

As Kate got out of the car she said "Could you ask if I could spend the weekend here because my parents are going out of town for the weekend and they won't be back until late Sunday afternoon. I was supposed to stay over at my cousin Amy's house but I told my mom that I'd rather stay here if I could and she said it was ok as long as it's ok with your mom & dad."

As the girls headed to the door they met Mrs. McGuire coming out. "Mom" Lizzie said excitedly "Can Kate stay here for the weekend? She told me that her parents were going out of town for the weekend and she was going to stay at her cousin's house, but said she'd rather stay here if she could."

Mrs. McGuire looked a little surprised at the question then after a few seconds thought she said "Sure if it is ok with Kate's parents, but aren't you going over to Gordo's with Miranda to watch some movies tonight?"

"That got canceled."

"Well in that case it's fine. It's been a long time since you last stayed over here but your more than welcome Kate." She said to Kate then looked back at Lizzie saying, "You two are going to have to make your own dinner tonight or order a pizza because your father and I are going out to dinner." Mrs. McGuire saw Lizzie's reaction to when she said that but before Lizzie could say anything she continued to say "Don't worry you won't have to watch Matt because he's going be over at Lanny's for the night." As she was saying that Matt came out of the house with a resigned look on his face. "I'm taking Matt to the eye doctor's now so when your father gets home ask him to get out the air mattress for Kate." Mrs. McGuire said as she looked at her watch. "Matt, hurry up and get in the car so we won't be late." she said in a no nonsense tone as she headed to the car.

As the girls watched them drive away Lizzie thought with relief that there would be plenty of uninterrupted time for them to talk.

"Come on let's go to my house to tell my mom and get my stuff.." Kate said before she headed for her car.

"Ok but I better make sure the front door is locked first. My mom would kill me I took off and left it unlocked."


	5. Revelations

After Mr. & Mrs. McGuire had left for dinner and Lizzie and Kate had finished ordering a pizza for their dinner Kate picked up the remote and turned down the volume on the TV and said "So what did you want to talk about?"

When Lizzie heard that she felt the icy grip of fear grab a hold of her making her want to go hide somewhere. Now that it came time she didn't know where to start or how to say what she needed to. She was also afraid that once Kate found out she would hate her or think that Lizzie was a skank.

Kate had been watching Lizzie and she could see from the look on her face that whatever was bothering Lizzie had her really scared. So Kate decided to start by telling Lizzie what she wanted to talk to her about. "Lizzie don't worry about it you can tell me when you're ready. Besides there is something I wanted to talk to you about." Kate saw a look of relief on Lizzie's face when she had said that.

Now it was Kate's turn to be nervous and as she usually did she got up and began to pace back and forth. As Kate was pacing she told herself that once Lizzie heard what she had to say it would make it easier for her to open up but that didn't make it any easier to say what she was going to tell Lizzie. So after a few more seconds hesitation as she though about how to start she said "I guess there is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Don't tell anyone but I think that my mom and dad might get a divorce."

Lizzie was shocked at what Kate just told her. She knew that divorce happens but not to any of her friends parents. As she thought about it Lizzie realized that she didn't really know anyone whose parents had gotten divorce. It was something that happened to other people. People who weren't her friends or acquaintances. Lizzie looked at Kate and she could see from the expression on her friends face that at least some of surprise and shock she was feeling showed on her own face. She knew that she should say something and her mind raced to think of something to say. After a few seconds thought Lizzie said "You said might so they're not getting as divorce yet.." As Lizzie watched Kate nodded her head in agreement. Lizzie quickly continued "So what makes you think that?"

"Well several days I saw a brochure for a weekend retreat providing couples therapy and last night I saw a letter confirming reservations there for this weekend with it." Kate said.

"But doesn't that mean they're trying to fix their marriage." As soon as she said that Lizzie realized that it was the wrong thing to say at the moment because that also meant that their marriage was in trouble and needed fixing. The tears in Kate's eyes confirmed that it was indeed the wrong thing to say. All Lizzie could think of was to say "I'm sorry".

Over the next few hours the two girls talked about Kate's problem stopping only once when the pizza they had ordered was delivered. Neither girl could recall exactly what they had said but the results were that Kate now felt very relived that she had talked about it and that the bond between the two of them had grown even stronger. Lizzie felt more relaxed and felt that her decision to talk to Kate was a good one though she wished that she could trust Miranda as much. By the time Lizzie's parents came home the two of them had moved on to watching and talking about music videos.

Later that evening Lizzie and Kate were sitting on Lizzie's bed listening to some music. After a little while Lizzie went over to her desk and got her diary then said "Kate there is something I have to talk to you about but first you should read what I put down for the last couple of weeks. But first promise me you won't tell anyone any of what I'm gonna tell you."

Kate thought about it for only a couple seconds before saying "I promise that won't tell any of what you tell me to anybody."

"Thanks Kate."Lizzie said then opened the diary to the right page then handed it to Kate. Lizzie sat in chair in front of the desk while she watched as Kate read what she had written in her diary. Her stomach was churning and the icy grip of fear had returned but now it was late to run and hide. There was no turning back now. She knew that she had no choice except to face what came next. In an odd way it was comforting now that she had done it but she was still scared though. It seemed as if it Kate was taking forever to read it and during that time her fear was growing.

As Kate read what Lizzie had written in the diary she could see that the nightmares had scared Lizzie quite a bit. What Kate couldn't understand was why Lizzie had been so vague when writing about them. She always wrote down as much detail as she could in her own diary. When she had finally fished reading it she looked up at Lizzie and said "I can see that you've been having nightmares but because it's so vague it doesn't tell me anything more than that. How come you don't put in any details? When I write in my diary I put in all the gory details."

"That's because you don't have a nosy little brother. I used to put in all the details until I found out after we got back from Rome that Matt was sneaking into my room and going through my stuff. Now I hardly use it any more unless I have to and then I put in as little detail as possible."

"Why don't you tell your mom or dad that he's going through your stuff?"

"I did but it didn't do any good." Lizzie said sadly. "Besides there are some things that I did that I'd never put in the diary even if the little rat wasn't going through it. I've done some really bad things. It's those things I want to talk about because they are the cause of the nightmares." when Lizzie got up and began to pace as she tried to find the right words Kate was puzzled by what she had just heard because th Lizzie she knew wasn't capable of doing anything really bad. "Kate do you remember Lisa Larson?"

"Yeah." Kate replied. "Wasn't she killed in a car accident a month or so before we started Jr. High?"

Lizzie nodded her head saying "Uh huh. She lived just down the street by the park. She was accidentally run over by her brother John."

"I remember that. I liked Lisa but I never did like John, he always gave me the creeps." Kate added disdainfully.

"That's who I want to talk about."

"What does Lisa have to do with your nightmares?" Kate asked.

"Not Lisa, I meant John."

"You're kidding!" Kate exclaimed. Lizzie just shook her head dejectedly. Other than the fact that he gave her the creeps Kate knew what everyone else did about John Larson. He was the youngest of the three Larson boys and was 8 years older than Lisa, He was very handsome, still held the record at Hillridge High School for the most touchdowns in a single season and that he had accidentally backed his pickup over his sister killing her.

"Do you also remember the shortcut from my house to the park?" Lizzie asked. After Kate nodded her head yes Lizzie continued saying, "We used to call it the secret passage but I found out this past summer while cleaning my parents bedroom windows that you can see anybody using it from up there." The secret passage that Lizzie was referring to was the narrow alleyways between the back fences of the neighborhoods in the subdivisions of Hillridge built in the 1980's for easy utility access by city workers. This was an attempt by city planners to reduce the blockage of the streets when repairs were being made. The newer housing tracts didn't have this feature because it posed a big security threat that the planners hadn't considered. Almost all of the property owners either had chain link fences lined with hedges or solid wood fences lining this passage way to increase their privacy.

"What has all this got to do with it?" Kate asked.

"A lot, just wait and see. One day when I was almost eleven I was coming home a little early from playing in the park with Miranda. So I decided to stop along the way to see if Lisa was outside in their backyard. So I peeked through their hedge to see but instead of seeing Lisa I saw John." Lizzie paused to consider how to say what was next.

As Lizzie was thinking of what say Kate said in an impatient tone "So?"


	6. More Revelations

Meanwhile At Gordo's House

Gordo opened the front door anticipating a fun evening of watching movies with his two best friends but was surprised when he saw that only Miranda was there. "Where's Lizzie? Is she coming later? When will she get here? She isn't sick is she?" he asked.

Miranda had a couple of DVD's in her hand and a smile on her face that was fading as she said sarcastically "Hi Gordo, I'm glad to see you too. Thank you for inviting me in."

"Um hi Miranda. Please come in and make yourself at home." he said stepping aside holding the door open so Miranda could come in.

Miranda walked into the Gordon's spacious living room and put the DVD's down on the coffee table. Then as she turned to face Gordo she said "To answer your questions Lizzie's at home, probably. She's not coming. Yes she's sick if getting a ride home from school with Kate qualifies as being sick And before you ask why, because she's mad at me for some little thing." Miranda headed for the kitchen "What do you have to drink?"

"There's plenty of soda in the fridge and I was just about to start making the popcorn when you rang the doorbell." Gordo said as he followed her into the kitchen. "What was the little thing she's mad about?"

"Well I kinda told a few people about the dream she had about making out with Jason Foster." Miranda said while looking in the refrigerator for the sodas. "Do you got any diet coke in here?"

"Bottom shelf on the left." Gordo answered. "Just how many were a few people?" he asked

Miranda closed the refrigerator and handed him a root beer ans said "Oh just a couple," Miranda saw by the look on Gordo's face that he wasn't buying any more than Lizzie did. "A half dozen. Ok about half of the girls in my PE class."

"I'm sure this was after you had promised not to tell anyone before she told you about it." Gordo stated.

"How did you know?"

"Because I know that Lizzie wouldn't tell you anything that embarrassing unless you promised not to tell anyone first." Gordo said as he gave her a reproving look. "Miranda when are you gonna learn to keep a secret?"

"I try, I really do but I just can't help myself."

"Well if you don't one of these days there will be serious consequences, more serious than someone just getting their feelings hurt or embarrassed. I just wonder what it's going to take for you to realize that." Gordo warned her as he put a bag of popcorn in microwave. There was a minute of awkward silence which made them both a bit edgy. "So did you get a chance to ask Lizzie why she doesn't want to go out with me anymore?" Gordo asked to break the silence. He wasn't satisfied with the reason Lizzie had given him after their third and last date. After she was no longer grounded from her adventure in Rome they had gone out on a few dates. Lizzie's explanation that she didn't want to ruin their friendship and that it wasn't because of him or anything that he had done just didn't satisfy him.

"Well I did get a chance to task her at lunch. Good thing she didn't come a minute earlier or she would have found out that I had told Parker and Veruca about her dream." Miranda answered. "All I could get out of her was what she told you."

Gordo stared at the bag of popcorn in the microwave then after a seconds he said "Damn it. I know there is more to it than that." Gordo went and got a bowl out of the cupboard then said "Hey I thought you had said that you told the girls in your PE class about Lizzie's dream but Parker and Veruca aren't in your third period PE class. I know that for a fact because they are in my English class which is third period for us."

In an attempt to change the subject Miranda said "Why don't you tell me what happened on your last date. Wasn't that at the dance after the first home game for the football team?"

"Yeah but first you tell me just how many people you told about Lizzie's dream." Gordo said sternly.

Miranda winced as he said that. Her first inclination was to try and avoid answering but she knew Gordo would be persistent about it. "Well I don't remember exactly but it was a lot."

"That is what I figured you did. So what movies did you bring?" Gordo asked.

"I brought 'You've Got Mail' and 'X-Men' " Miranda answered. When she saw a look of approval on Gordo's face she asked "Which one do you want to watch first?"

"I don't really care, you pick."

"Let's watch the X-Men first." After a moments thought Miranda added "I'm just dying to see this on your big screen TV because I missed it in the theater while I was in Mexico and my TV at home doesn't do it justice. I bet Hugh Jackman looks even hotter on the big screen." Miranda smiled when she saw Gordo roll his eyes at that last part, which was why she had said it.

Later as they were getting ready to watch the second movie Miranda realized that Gordo had avoided answering her question about his last date with Lizzie. So as went back into the living room after replenishing their snacks she said "Gordo you never answered my question about what you and Lizzie did on your last date."

"Well we went to dinner at that fancy French restaurant La Coquille then we went to the dance."

"Well what did you guys talk about? Did you go anywhere after the dance? Did you guys do any necking afterwards?" Miranda winked as she asked the last question.

"We didn't do any necking afterwards because her dad picked us up from the dance." Gordo retorted. "We talked about the usual stuff at dinner and at the dance. Lizzie didn't dance with anybody but me even though a few other guys asked her to dance with them."

"Is that really all that happened?" Miranda watched as Gordo thought about how to answer the question.

"Well there was one other thing that happened." Gordo said hesitantly.

At Lizzie's House

"Well he was naked." Lizzie watched as Kate's jaw dropped and her eyes opened in surprise. "And he was," Lizzie paused a moment for effect then continued, "playing with himself. I now know that boys call it jerking off but at the time I had no idea what he was doing let alone what it was called." After Lizzie said that Kate looked so surprised that Lizzie thought that she might fall off the bed. Lizzie sat back down in the chair as she watched Kate's reaction.

After watching Kate silently mouthing the questions that Lizzie knew was racing through Kate mind she continued. "That was the first time I ever saw a boy naked, except for Matt which doesn't count. I was so fascinated by it because I never imagined that a boy's," Lizzie hesitated before continuing, "thing could get like that. I watched until he was finished jerking off. I knew I should have left right away but I was so fascinated by it and I couldn't stop watching. Once he had stopped I hurried home but I couldn't stop thinking about it and it wasn't until I was almost home that I realized that I done something very wrong. Even after knowing it was wrong for me do it I kept looking to see if he would do it again and he did every single time that Lisa was at her piano lessons." Lizzie paused to take a drink of her soda.

"That doesn't sound so bad." Kate commented.

"It gets worse, believe me it gets a lot worse." Lizzie commented. Now that she had started talking to Kate it got easier and easier to talk about. She told Kate how John had soon caught her watching him and let her watch up close instead of watching while hiding in the bushes. She said it wasn't long before she was touching and playing with his boy thing, as Lizzie put it, as well as her getting undressed and letting him fondle her privates also. She also told Kate that although at first she kept going back because she was curious she also had a gut feeling that what was she was doing was really bad and dirty. She knew that if anyone found out she would get in a lot of trouble. Soon she was going over there out of fear that he might tell on her if she stopped.

"I was scared Kate. I wanted to stop but I couldn't and it scared me really bad." Lizzie said in a tone that made Kate feel scared as well. "It wasn't long before he started making me do some really nasty and dirty things with him." Lizzie shuddered with disgust and self loathing as remembered those things.

The shame Lizzie felt almost made her unable speak but she forced herself to continue. Her voice trembled and faltered as she told Kate of the various sex act that John had made her perform on him. She described a sordid series of clandestine meetings, each of which had made her feel more dirty and worthless as if she was nothing but a plaything to be used and tossed aside. Lizzie told Kate how how this went on for nearly 1 ½ years until Lisa was killed. By that time she not only was having sex with John but with a couple of his friends as well. She was so happy when John was arrested and went to prison for killing his sister. Lizzie said that she also felt guilty about the happiness that her friend's death brought her.

Before Lizzie had finished telling Kate these things she had broken down to tears a number of times. When Lizzie had finally finished Kate just sat there in a state of shock with a look of disgust on her face unable to say anything as she struggled to understand what she had just heard. At first Kate was sure that Lizzie was making it up but as the story unfolded she was convinced that Lizzie wasn't making it up at all. It was so completely different from the happy girl that Lizzie had seemed to be at that time. Kate was also sure that Lizzie hadn't told her everything but it was enough to make her own revelation of her suspicions that her mom & dad might get a divorce seem tame and almost inconsequential. This was something that only happened in movies or read about in the newspaper happening to other people you don't know. Things like this weren't supposed to happen anyone you knew, let alone your friend. Kate desperately wanted to believe that it hadn't really happened but the sick gut wrenching feeling she had told her otherwise. Kate's train of thought was disrupted by Lizzie coming back into the room carrying the leftover pizza and a couple cans of coke. Kate hadn't even been aware that Lizzie had left the room.

"My mom reheated the pizza for us and said that we can stay up as late as we want but to not make too much noise since they're going to bed soon." Lizzie told Kate as she set the pizza box on the bed next to Kate and handed her a soda.

Lizzie watched Kate for any signs what she thought about what Lizzie had just told her. Lizzie was desperately hoping that Kate still liked her after what she had just told her. As Kate ate in silence Lizzie's apprehension grew until she was sure that Kate no longer liked her. "Kate I don't blame you if you think I'm a total skank and don't ever want to have anything to do with me ever again." Lizzie said with shaky voice while fighting back her tears of shame. "I'll just get my stuff and sleep on the couch downstairs."

As Lizzie reached to get her pillow off the bed Kate put her hand on Lizzie's arm to stop her and said "Don't do that. I don't think you're a skank." Kate said reassuringly. "It's just that I didn't know what to say." Kate realized that the CD in the player had ended quite some time ago so she asked "Do you mind if I put something on?" Lizzie merely shook her head so Kate got up and looked at Lizzie's CD's as she thought about what to say next. While looking through the CD's she saw a homemade CD with the words 'Blues Mix' written on it. Kate put that one in and started it playing. When she turned back she saw in Lizzie's eyes a look of fear, sadness and shame that would haunt her for years to come. "When you told me that you had something to tell me I never imagined that it would be like this. You seemed like the same old Lizzie the whole time. I had no idea, no idea at all."

"I know you didn't because I did my best to hide it from everyone. I was so scared of what might happen if people found out." Lizzie said as a tears began to fall from her eyes. "I'm even more scared of that happening now." Lizzie began sobbing as said that.

"Thank God you didn't tell this to Sanchez." Kate said quietly to herself or so she thought. As soon as she said that Lizzie's crying intensified. "Oh my gosh did I say that out loud?" Kate saw Lizzie nod her head yes. "I'm sorry about that. I know how much you like her and all and I know that I'd want to be able to trust my best friend with something as serious as this."

Lizzie sniffed back her tears as she dried her eyes. After a few seconds she said with a tone of gratitude in her voice "I can trust my best friend. I just wish I could trust all of my best friends about it." After she said that they fell into a companionable silence as they listened to the music playing. Lizzie listened to the and felt oddly comforted by the music which at first when Gordo gave it to her had tended to make her feel sad and depressed. Now she appreciated how the music fit her current mood so well.

After they had listened to several songs Kate asked "Lizzie does all of this have anything to do with why you stopped going out with Gordo?"


	7. About Gordo

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get the latest chapter up but with the lack of feedback on the last chapter I was discouraged and almost decided to quit writing this story. I could not think of a good title for this chapter so if any of you have any suggestions please let me know.

**At Gordo's house**

"Well what's this one other thing?" Miranda asked eagerly.

Gordo fidgeted nervously before answering "Well about 30 or 40 minutes before the end of the dance I got Lizzie a glass of punch and just before I handed it to her somebody bumped into me causing me to spill it on her. She tried to warn me but it was too late. I tried to help dry it off with the napkin I had but it wasn't long before she went to the girls restroom to finish it."

"Thats nothing to be worried about. Unless..." Miranda said the last part with a mischievous little grin.

"Unless what?"

"Unless while trying to help her dry off you took the opportunity to cop a feel." Miranda's grin was even bigger.

"I did not." Gordo said indignantly but as he continued his voice got meeker. "At least I didn't mean to but as I was help I kinda touched her ..." as he said the last words his voice trailed off rendering the last few words unintelligible.

"So you did you sly dog." Miranda said in a teasing voice but when she saw the embarrassed look on Gordo's face she quickly added "I'm sure that she knows you weren't trying to take advantage of the situation. In fact I bet you were more embarrassed by it than she was. It's nothing to worry about Gordo." She said in an effort to reassure him. "It's not as if you did it on purpose." Miranda quickly tried to think of something that would be even more embarrassing in comparison to make it seem better. "Now if you had done something like getting a hard on during a slow dance, that would be something to worry about but not this." Miranda watched in surprise as Gordo blushed after hearing what she had just said.

"You didn't" she said in surprise. As he continued blushing she said "Oh my gosh you did." At first Miranda was sorely tempted to tease him about it but his obvious extreme embarrassment stopped her. She began trying to think of something to say that might help set his mind at ease about it.

When Miranda had hit upon what had happened Gordo knew that he was in for at least a couple of rough weeks at school because this was just the type of thing Miranda loved to gossip about. He decided not to even ask her not to say anything because it wouldn't do any good. Gordo remembered what his mom told him the day after it happened. She had said that it was a normal physiological reaction and that it's nothing to be ashamed about. She also mentioned that some girls actually find it flattering when it happens. Although his mom might be right it didn't make it any easier for him.

Gordo's thoughts were interrupted by Miranda saying "I'm sorry Gordo I didn't mean to embarrass you like that. For what its worth, I don't think that had anything to do with why Lizzie stopped going out with you." As she said that she regretted that she stumbled upon it that way. "Come on lets start the next movie." she said to break the mood.

As the movie started Gordo noticed that Miranda was sitting closer than usual, much closer.

**Lizzie's House**

"No it didn't," Lizzie said slowly, "not really." She recalled the events of their last date then clarified her answer. "Not entirely at least." Lizzie went on to explain. "The date started off great. We went to the French restaurant La Coquille with his parents but we had a separate table thank God. You gotta go there sometime the food there is fantastic. Then afterwards his parents dropped us off at the dance. Everything was going fine but during the whole date I had an uneasy feeling. I didn't know what was causing it, at least I didn't know then. Later towards the end of the dance I had asked Gordo to get me a cup of punch and just as he was about to hand it to me Claire accidentally bumped into him. I tried to warn him but it was too late and he spilled it all over my blouse." Lizzie was about to continue when Kate interrupted.

"If it was Claire who bumped into him you can be sure it was no accident."Kate stated.

"Well any way Gordo tried to help me clean up but got embarrassed because in the process he also touched my boobs as well. When I noticed that I left to go to the girls restroom of course I retrieved the clean shirt I keep in my locker for emergencies first. After that the last few dances were slow dances and I noticed that he had gotten a hard on while we were dancing. It wasn't too noticeable but when I brushed up against him now and then there was no doubt that he had one. I knew if he would be terribly embarrassed if I said anything so I pretended not to notice. Although I'm sure he knew I knew about it. It wasn't till later that night after I got home that I realized why I had felt uneasy during the date and if it hadn't been for Gordo getting a hard on I wouldn't have figured out why. Gordo's attracted to me so eventually he's gonna want to have sex with me and..." Lizzie's voice trailed off as she said that as if she was unwilling to finish voicing that thought. Lizzie had no idea of how to explain what she had felt at that time. She had been and still was filled with a a slew of mixed feelings which created a storm of emotions within her that had been raised by her last date with Gordo.

"And what Lizzie?" she heard Kate ask. When Lizzie looked away and didn't respond Kate had continued to ask "Did that scare you? Were you afraid that it would be like it was with John? Or were you afraid that Gordo might find out about this and what his reaction would be?"

Lizzie continued to look way and softly said "Yes." Which was the only answer she could give to those and a myriad of other questions that could raised by her actions.

"Yes to what?" Kate fought the urge to grab Lizzie's arm and make Lizzie face her.

"Yes to all of them." Lizzie snapped in reply as she turned to face Kate. "At first I thought dating him would make everything all right but it just made me feel more scared instead."

"Lizzie you know that only works in fairy tales and movies."

"I guess I knew that all along but I had hoped the it would work any way."

"So what did you tell Gordo when you broke up with him?" Kate asked impatiently.

"I didn't break up with him I just told him that I felt that we shouldn't go out any more."

"Which is exactly what breaking up is" Kate countered. "So what reason did you give him?"

"Well I told him the truth. I him that it wasn't because of anything he said or did but because I had some issues to work out first." Lizzie added "He said that he understood it after I told him that."

"And you believed that." Kate said incredulously. "Lizzie when you told him that you convinced him that the reason you didn't want to go out with him was because of what happened on your last date."

"What, how do you know that?" Lizzie asked.

"What planet are you from?" Kate asked in mock surprise the went on in a serious tone. "If he had broke up with you and gave you that reason what would you believe it?"

After hearing that Lizzie felt guilty about the way she had broken things off with Gordo. "No I guess I wouldn't." Lizzie replied somberly. "I'd think it was because of something I did."

"Well at least you didn't use that 'we can still be friends' line." Kate added but immediately after she said that Lizzie winced. Kate shook her head as she said "Lizzie you know that it never works that way."

When Lizzie heard that she realized that since then they had been spending less time together and he hadn't been calling her nearly as much as he used to. She had hoped that they could just go back to being best friends and things would go back to the way they were before.

"Lizzie you're gonna have to tell Gordo why you really broke up." Kate said interrupting her train of thought.

"If I do that I'll have to tell him all about this." Lizzie said apprehensively wringing her hands as she said it.

"Yes but you have to do it because Gordo deserves to know the truth and that it really wasn't his fault."

"I know but what if he hates me. What will he think when he finds out that I'm a dirty no good tramp. I don't know if I could deal with that." Lizzie replied with fear creeping back into her voice. "Besides he deserves somebody better than me."

"Lizzie!" Kate exclaimed in surprise. "You're not a no good tramp. I don't think so and there is no way Gordo will either. You're the best person I know and it's impossible that he could find anyone better than you."

Lizzie looked at Kate for several seconds before answering "Thanks Kate but I know that you're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I really mean it Lizzie." Kate got up and walked across the room as if to look at the pictures on the wall. "You're not a bad person Lizzie, in fact you're better than most people. God knows you've got plenty of reasons to be mean and nasty but you're not. You're the nicest, kindest person I've met. You've got to tell him about it sometime." Kate paused and turned to face Lizzie who nodded her head yes. "Soon ok ." Kate went over to her bag and got out some things then said "I'm gonna go get ready for bed."

Later after both of them were dressed in their pajama's watching TV in Lizzie's room Kate said "Lizzie let me get this straight. I know what the first part of your nightmare is and the second part but the deal with Gordo can't be the third part. So what is it Lizzie, what's got you so scared?" Even in the semi-darkness in the glow of the TV the fear in Lizzie's eyes was visible as she hesitated in answering the question.

Lizzie had hoped Kate wouldn't ask that question but she also knew that she had to answer it. She knew that if she didn't tell someone it would tear her apart. "It's John, he's back."

The girls continued to talk about it for a while with Lizzie expressing her fears and Kate trying to reassure her that things would be ok. As they talked Lizzie felt her anxiety begin to fade. She no longer felt as if she were being smothered by this dark secret. For the first time since she had seen John Larson at the end of the summer Lizzie felt that there might be some hope for her after all. Several times Lizzie expressed her relief at finally being able to talk to someone about it and thanked Kate a number of times.

Kate was pleased that Lizzie felt that she could trust her with her secret. At the same time Kate also felt overwhelmed by it as well. Kate had always imagined that she would discuss boys and sex with her friends but nothing like what Lizzie had shared with her. Kate had no idea what to say or do not realizing that she was doing just what she should be doing. As Kate was starting to drift off to sleep Kate decided to try and get Lizzie too tell Mrs. McGuire about it as well.


	8. Monday Morning

The following Monday morning Lizzie hurried out the front door and headed to the bus stop thanking the powers that be for the fact that the high school and the junior high students didn't get picked up at the same time. If fact since school started she hardly ever saw Matt in the morning since classes at Hillridge High started a half hour earlier then at Hillridge Junior High. She didn't think she could handle Matt waiting at bus stop with her every morning not after the way he had been lately. Ever since her trip to Rome he'd been even more of a pest than ever before. Especially with his RC cars. Once she had gotten so mad that she had literally kicked one that she found out of her room and down the stairs, destroying the car in the process. Unfortunately the pleasure she got from that was short lived since she had to pay for a new one and lost the phone in her room for 2 weeks. Not only that Matt pestered her even more with them since then.

She had enough to think about this morning as it was. On Saturday and Sunday Kate had urged her a number of times to tell her mom what she told Kate on Friday night. At least on the usual morning call with Miranda & Gordo, Miranda had sounded truly sorry about what she had done on Friday. After Miranda had hung up Lizzie had asked Gordo to meet her at the bus stop about 5 minutes early. As she put the mail in the mailbox Lizzie saw that Gordo was already waiting for her at the bus stop, which was not surprising since it was right in front of his house. As usual he was dressed in clothes at least one size too big and no way even close to the current fashions. He was seated on the bench that his father had placed there for the kids to use years ago when they had started school. That was several yeas before it was officially designated as a bus stop by the school district.

"Hey Gordo." Lizzie called as soon as she was in earshot.

Gordo waved then got up and headed towards her saying "Hi ya Lizzie. So what did you want to talk about?"

"First I wanted to apologize for not coming to your house Friday night."

"That's ok.," Gordo said cutting Lizzie off before she could say anything else. "Miranda told me all about it and I don't blame you. Just answer this one question, did you really dream about Jason Foster?"

"No, why would I do that? He's about as interesting as dish water." Lizzie said with a laugh in her voice. "How did you doctors appointment go Friday?"

"Lizzie you asked me that on the phone earlier and I already answered it. The orthopedic surgeon said my spine will straighten out on it's own and I won't need to wear a back brace. I just shouldn't participate in any weight lifting or contact sports like football and wrestling." Gordo said then smiled as he added "Which should be easy since I don't like them any way. So what is it that you really wanted to talk about that you didn't want Miranda to hear?"

"Well I wanted to ask you to meet me at the park after school so I could explain why I wanted to stop going out with you." Lizzie asked as she fidgeted with the buttons of her shirt.

"I can't," Gordo replied. "at least not right away since I've got a some errands I have to do after school. How about 4:00 instead?"

"Sure, 4:00 is fine I'll be there." Lizzie said with a hint of a smile on her face. After that they fell into an uncomfortable silence in which neither was willing to say anything for fear of upsetting the other. After a few minutes several other kids showed up at the bus stop. Both Lizzie and Gordo didn't join in on any of the usual chatter with the other kids. Lizzie began to wonder where Miranda was because she had said that she was going to ride the bus to school. When Lizzie heard the bus approaching she finally said to Gordo "I wonder where Miranda is? She said she would be here."

"I don't know but if she doesn't get here real soon she's gonna miss the bus." Gordo replied.

**Meanwhile**

When Miranda left her house to go to the bus stop she saw Kate Sanders parked out in front of her house. Almost immediately after Miranda noticed the car Kate got out and headed her way. Kate quickly walked up to Miranda and said boldly "Miranda I have something very important to talk to you about."

Miranda looked at her with no effort to disguise he dislike of Kate and said "Why would I want to listen to what you have to say." Then she started to turn away.

"Because it concerns our mutual friend Lizzie McGuire." Kate said with steel in her voice. "In fact I've heard you say that she is your best friend and if you really care about her you'll ride to school with me so we can talk."

At first Miranda was tempted to just brush her off and walk away but Kate's tone and expression convinced her that this was serious. "Well if it is so important why don't we talk here now?"

"Because it will take too long." Kate turned and started back to her car.

Miranda thought about what she had said as Kate walked back to her car. She had once called Kate a friend before she became popular just as Lizzie had done. All during their junior hight years they had been at odds with Kate. Now when high school started Lizzie and Kate were friends again but she hadn't really accepted the fact that Lizzie and Kate had renewed their old friendship. Miranda couldn't really say why she didn't like Kate but if what Kate had was true then she at least owed it to Lizzie to hear what Kate had to say. Miranda thought about all the times Lizzie had gone above and beyond the call of friendship for her even though she had repeatedly betrayed the trust Lizzie had shown her. "Kate wait up." she called while hurrying to the car.

Once she got in and they were on their way Miranda asked "Ok what is so important?"

"First let me get this out of the way. I know you don't like me," Kate stated in a matter of fact tone, "and in the past few years I've given you enough reasons not too but right now that doesn't matter. What does matter is that Lizzie needs you. She needs your support and the support of all of her friends." Miranda started to say something but Kate cut her off saying "Lizzie has something she wants to talk to you about very badly, something very important. She wants to talk to you about this so much but she can't."

"Because I can't keep a secret." Miranda stated abruptly as Kate took a moment to negotiate a turn.

"That's right and the fact that she can't trust you enough to confide in you hurts her very much. It hurts her more than you know." Kate said with a tremble in her voice. "I want to warn you that she may decide to go out on a limb and trust you in spite of your lousy track record in keeping secrets. If she does and you betray her trust it would kill her inside."

As Kate was saying this Miranda began to wonder what could be wrong. As she thought about that something clicked and Miranda said "That dream that Lizzie asked me not to tell anyone about Friday, Lizzie just made it up to see if I could keep a secret didn't she?" Kate shook her head yes. "I really blew it on that one. No wonder she was so mad at me."

"Yeah you blew it alright Miranda and she's paying the price for it." Kate said in a spiteful that made Miranda wince.

"I suppose you're right about that." As Miranda said that another thing became clear to her. She realized that Kate probably knew what it was that Lizzie wanted to share with her. For a moment she felt a mixture of anger and jealousy at the realization. She was angry that Lizzie hadn't shared the secret with her and she was jealous that Lizzie had told Kate. But as quickly as those feelings came they left because she knew that she had proven herself untrustworthy and Kate probably had. "Kate you know what Lizzie wants to tell me don't you?" she asked to confirm her suspicion as they pulled into the student parking lot.

"Yeah I do, but before you ask, I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone so don't bother." Kate replied as she pulled into a parking spot. "All I can tell you is that it is very important and she needs help in dealing with it."

Miranda and Kate got out of the car and as Kate was locking it Miranda said "You really care about Lizzie don't you?"

"Yes I do. She's the best friend I've ever had." Kate answered before heading to the school building.

As Miranda headed to building she pondered about Kate's answer. It had made Miranda think that maybe, just maybe, she had judged Kate all wrong. Maybe Kate wasn't the vindictive, back stabbing bitch she had thought her to be. Maybe Kate really was a good friend for Lizzie to have. Maybe she should forgive Kate and give her a second chance like Lizzie had.

While both Miranda and Kate were heading to the building neither of them took notice of the car they had parked next to. Nor did they see the person seated in the front passenger seat smoking a cigarette. They had completely missed seeing the look of pure hate on that persons face.


	9. After school at the Park

At 3:15 hat afternoon Lizzie left her house early to meet Gordo at the park. She needed to get away from the house, or more precisely away from Matt, so she could think about what to say to Gordo with out being disturbed. As she decided to go the long way to the park instead of using short cut like she usually did. Lizzie knew that there was a good chance that by going this way Miranda might see her but she wouldn't mind having a short chat with her as well.

As she took her time walking to the park Lizzie thought about all the things that had brought her to this point. Why did all these things happen to her wondered. Why did she do all those dirty things with John? Why didn't she try to stop it sooner? Why did she keep doing those things even though it made her feel so dirty and worthless inside? Why did it scare her so much? Why did she want to do those same things with Gordo so much even though they made her feel so bad? Would Gordo still like her if she told him all about it or would he be disgusted with her and never want anything to do with her again? She had all these questions but no answers.

When she pondered those questions Lizzie felt as if there was a dark emptiness inside her gnawing away that would eventually consume her. During the two years at junior high these things hardly bothered her at all. In fact she had almost completely forgotten about them. It was on her trip to Rome that it all started to fall apart. She was having such an amazing adventure there but when Gordo and Isabella made her realize that Paolo had just been using her. Paolo had manipulated her and was actually going to try to ruin Isabella's career by humiliating her on stage in a live broadcast at the IMV Awards show in Rome. At first Lizzie didn't want to believe it but she finally did and when she did accept it she was crushed inside. This made her so angry that she was willing to play along in spite of the blow to her self esteem so that with Isabella's help it would be Paolo who would be humiliated.The experience of performing in front was out of this world and she would give anything to do it again. While she had been performing on stage with the audience cheering her on Lizzie had briefly felt as if she was a worth while person. She had also had fun in helping Isabella presenting one of the awards. Isabella handled the Italian lines while she did the ones in English. Ever since that night she knew she wanted to sing professionally. Since that night she also began to be haunted by the things that she'd done with John once more. Not much at first but when she saw that John again from a distance near the end of the summer it got worse, a lot worse. It seemed like that every where she would see him even in in places where he couldn't possibly be. Even though John had done nothing to indicate that he had even noticed her, Lizzie still felt uneasy.

But that wasn't today's problem. Today's problem was how to explain to Gordo that she wasn't ready for that kind of a relationship even though she really liked him a lot. When she had kissed him in Rome and he didn't respond in the way she expected him to it had shaken what self confidence and sense of self worth she had gained in the past two years. As The first time they went on a date date after she was no longer grounded they had fun but she had also been uneasy but she didn't know why. After their third date she realized what was making her feel so uneasy. It was her fear of him finding out her secret and how he would react. She knew on some level deep down that he deserved someone better than her.

"What's up Lizzie?" Miranda said startling Lizzie so much that she almost fell off of the swing she was sitting on. Only then did she realize where she was at. Lizzie had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she had lost track of everything around her and had no recollection of arriving at the park.

"Uh hi Miranda." Lizzie replied hesitantly.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

"That's okay I was thinking and I guess wasn't paying attention." Lizzie replied "

"I wanted to talk to you and when I called your house your mom said that you had just left for here."

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Well first I wanted to apologize for what I did Friday. "Miranda in a serious tone.

"Miranda you don't have..." Lizzie started to say.

"Yes I do. I made a promise to you and I broke it almost immediately without any hesitation or even giving any thought to it." The thought of telling her that both Gordo and Kate had thoroughly chewed her out for that crossed Miranda's mind but she immediately rejected that not knowing that was her first step to becoming a more trustworthy person. "I want to be the kind of friend that you can trust but I keep messing that up. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't want to be friends anymore considering how many times I've done it to you."

"Miranda you're my best friend and you always will be." Lizzie said emphatically while Miranda hung her head in shame. "I'll admit that there are times when I wish you were better about keeping secrets but I still love you all the same."

"I know and I wish I was too. That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Miranda looked back up at Lizzie as she spoke. "I need your help. I also need Gordo's and even Kate's help."

"Did I hear you right, you said that you wanted Kate's help along with mine and Gordo's?" Lizzie asked in shocked disbelief.

"You heard me right. I want Kate's help too." Miranda confirmed.

"But I thought you didn't like her." Lizzie said while hoping that Miranda might be coming around to see what she saw in Kate.

"You see after having a talk with her this morning I realized that I had misjudged her and I think that we might be able to be friends again."

Lizzie was so pleased to hear that she couldn't resist giving Miranda a big hug as she said "I'm so happy to hear you say that." After the hug Lizzie took a look at the pendant watch Miranda had given her on her 15th birthday a little over a month ago. It had inscribed on the back 'Best friends to the end of time' with the initials LMG on it. Even though those could be her own initials she knew it stood for Lizzie, Miranda and Gordo. As Lizzie looked at it she turned it over and saw that it was 15 minutes till 4 o'clock. "Miranda could we talk more about this later cause Gordo's gonna be here at four and I wanted to have a private talk talk with him."

Miranda was at first a little surprised at the sudden request then realized what it was probably about. "Sure, no problem. Knowing Gordo he's probably gonna be here early. I'll call you at 7 ok." she said whit a knowing smile on her face. Then she got up and hurried off before Gordo showed up.

When Gordo got out of school that afternoon he rushed to the nearest city bus stop rather than getting on the school bus so he could get the errands done quicker. By the time he was all finished with them he had enough time to take a quick shower then grab a snack to eat on the way to the park. He was very tempted to run there but he didn't want to get all sweaty and stinky so he walked at his fastest pace instead and still get to the park about 5 minutes early. On his way he ate the bananas he had grabbed on the way out the door. All day long he had been going over in his mind all the possible reasons Lizzie had for not going out any more. He had also worked out numerous things to say to convince her to continue dating him. He was ready for this meeting.

As he walked Gordo thought about how surprised he was at the fact that so far it seemed like Miranda hadn't told anyone about his last date with Lizzie. He had assumed that it would be all over the school by the end of the day. He had been prepared for the teasing the other guys were sure to give him when they found out. Heck they had ragged on Tony for a week when he did the same thing while dancing with Annie Howard a few weeks ago.

When he arrived at the park he saw that no one else besides Lizzie was there. "Hi Lizzie" greeting her before he sat on one of the swings beside her.

"Hi Gordo."

"So what did you want to tell me?" he asked hoping he didn't sound as if he had butterflies in his stomach.

Lizzie paused a few moments as she fought back the icy cold sensation of fear gripping her insides and twisting them. " I guess I ought to begin by apologizing for the lousy explanation I gave you when I told you I didn't want to go out any more." Lizzie said as she watched his reactions. As he start to open his mouth to say something she quickly went on to say "Don't you say that it's ok or that you understand because it's not ok and you can't understand because I didn't explain it well enough for you to be able to understand." Lizzie could see from his reactions that she had predicted what he was gonna say perfectly. "I'm sorry for that because you deserved a better explanation. If things had been reversed and I had been given the explanation I gave you I would have been sure that it was because of something I had done even when it wasn't. The truth is my not wanting to continue going out on dates with you has nothing to do with anything you did. Not your touching my boobs while helping me clean of the punch that got spilled on me. Especially not you getting a hard on while we were dancing. In fact I found it kind of flattering."

As she spoke all of Gordo's well thought out counter arguments flew out of his mind and all he could respond with was ask "Why? Why don't you want to date?"

"Because I'm not ready for that kind of relationship. Mostly because for reasons I can't explain, at least not yet, it scares me Gordo. It really scares me and I don't know why" Lizzie said somberly. For several moments she was tempted to tell him everything that she had told Kate but in the end her fear of what his reaction would be persuaded her not to. "I wish I could explain things better but I can't because I don't really understand it myself. All I do know is that dating right now scares me." Lizzie felt a twinge of guilt for not being completely honest with Gordo although in part what she said was true.

"But it scares me too but I don't see why we can't go out together." Gordo countered hopefully.

"Gordo its not that kind of scared. I thought it was on our first couple of dates but by the time we finished eating at the restaurant on the last date I knew it wasn't that kind of scared."

"Well we can work this out can't we?" Gordo asked apprehensively.

"No Gordo **we** can't," Lizzie said stressing the word we, "but **I** can and will eventually work this out. I don't know how long it will take me though. I'm sure that I will need your help at times but I think this is something I have to work out myself." For some unknown reason Lizzie felt as though she had just sucker punched Gordo when she said that and from the look on his face she saw that he felt that way too.

"Meanwhile we can still be best friends can't we." Lizzie said hopefully. Even though it was more of a statement than a question Gordo nodded his head in agreement Lizzie thought of telling him that she wouldn't mind if he went out with other girls but she saw from the confused and hurt look on his face that it would just make things worse. As she looked at him she started to cry and said "I'm sorry Gordo, I'm so sorry." then she got up and started walking as fast as she could towards home.

When she stopped crying Lizzie noticed that through force of habit she had gone down the alley. It was the quickest way home from the park but it was also the way she least wanted to go. Lizzie thought about going back to the park and taking the long way but that would mean facing Gordo again and she wanted to do that even less. At that moment she heard a noise behind her which startled her and she took off running the rest of the way home with speed and energy that comes only from fear. Moments later as Lizzie was running away a calico cat exited a garbage can carrying a chicken bone with some scraps of meat clinging to it in it's mouth.


	10. Busted

A couple days later after Lizzie's mom picked her up from school shortly before1:00 pm and drove her to the Hillridge police station. As soon as she found where they were headed a tremendous wave of fear hit her. She was suspected that what John had told her about what would happen to her if her parents or the police found out was a lie but what she had believed for so long was not easily dismissed. He had told her that if her parents, teachers or the police found out she would at least be sent to jail for a long time. Plus he told her that her parents wouldn't love her anymore and wouldn't want her to come home ever again. He also said that if they thought that she been really bad they might even decide to execute her. She knew that her life as she knew it was coming to an end. 

After her mom parked the car she turned to Lizzie and said "Yesterday evening I received a call from a police officer requesting that you, your father and myself come here to meet with them about something important. Before we go in is there anything you want to tell me first."

Although Mrs. McGuire had tried sound as calm and nonthreatening as she possibly could Lizzie's fear made it sound like she was very angry and ready to punish her severely. So Lizzie just meekly shook her head no. A second later the car door next to Lizzie suddenly opened and her father's voice saying loudly "Are you girls ready?" startled her causing her jump and gasp loudly. "I'm sorry honey I didn't mean to startle you" he said in a softer tone. "Come on lets not keep them waiting."

Inside the police station they went up to the receptionist desk where three desk Sergeants were busy fielding phone calls and questions from visitors and other police officers. After waiting about a minute Mr. McGuire spoke to one of the Sergeants saying "Hi I'm Sam McGuire and yesterday evening we got a call from Detective Kepley asking us to meet him here today."

The Sergeant said "Have a seat over there while I call and tell him you're here."

Soon they were met by a black plain clothes officer of average height and build who introduced himself as Detective Kepley and lead them to a small well lit room with 'Interview Room 4' written on the door. The room had a table with six chairs around it and a security camera in the back corner facing the door. There was also a large mirror on the back wall which covered almost the entire top half of it. They were immediately joined by a female officer who looked vaguely familiar to Lizzie.

"This is Detective Sanchez who tells me that you've met before." Detective Kepley said as the woman handed him a file folder and a couple of large manila envelopes.

"Yes we have." Mrs. McGuire confirmed. "You're Eduardo and Daniella's niece aren't you." For a few moments Lizzie was confused about who the people her mom mentioned were then she realized that they were Miranda's mom and dad. Moments later she finally recognized the woman as Miranda's cousin Doris.

"That's right Mrs. McGuire" Detective Sanchez replied. "I don't know if Lizzie remembers me but she can call me Doris like she did when I used to babysit Miranda if you want to. Please everyone have a seat. You don't mind if I call you Lizzie?"

Lizzie just shook her head no as she replied "No not all Detective ..uh Doris." as Doris sat in the chair nearest to the door.

As Detective Sanchez prepared speak to the McGuires she could see the fear in Lizzie's eyes. She felt sorry for Lizzie and wished that she didn't have to do this but it had to be done. "Now I know that you must be wondering why we called and all of you to come down here today. So I'm going to explain what's going on ok. I wish there was some easy way to tell you this but there isn't. The other day we arrested a man for attempted solicitation of a minor. So we go a warrant to search his home and on his computer he had some child pornography." Detective Sanchez could see from Lizzie's reaction to what she had just said that Lizzie knew what was going on.

Meanwhile Detective Kepley handed Mr. And Mrs. McGuire each one of the folders that Detecive Sanchez had brought in. "While examining the evidence Detective Sanchez identified one of the children in the photos and videos. Although I'm sure she was right we what I need you to do is to confirm Detective Sanchez's identification of your daughter in these photos and videos. But first I have to warn you that these are some of the shocking ones they are quite explicit in nature." he said as he took the two file folders and place one in front of each of them.

As the detective was talking to them the both hoped that he was wrong as a cold chill ran down their spines. As they looked through th pictures there was no doubt in their minds that it was their daughter being abused in those pictures. They were both sickened and enraged at what they saw. The happy-go-lucky and somewhat goofy look that Mr. McGuire usually had on his face melted away and was replace with one of shock. The white hot flame of fury at what had been done to his daughter was plainly visible in his eyes and each new photo he saw fed that fury.

As the detectives spoke and her parents reviewed the pictures Lizzie's fear grew steadily worse. The angry expressions on her parents faces and the grim looks on the detectives only made her fear grow worse. She was sure that she knew what questions they were going to ask her and that there would be no denying the truth.

Mrs. McGuire looked at Lizzie and asked "Why didn't you tell us about this?"

"That's a really bad thing isn't it?" Lizzie asked then continued before anyone had a chance to respond. "How long will I be in prison?"

"Lizzie you won't go to prison." Detective Sanchez said trying to keep the shock she felt at Lizzie's question out of her voice and face. The result of that effort made her voice sound cold and her face look somewhat menacing.

"Oh, I see." Lizzie said as her face paled from fright. Her worst fear had been realized She thought that maybe John was right about what would happen if the police found out. "Are you guys going to execute me now?"

Both of the Detectives and her parents were both completely stunned when they heard what Lizzie said. "Oh dear God no. Nobody's going to kill you." Detective Sanchez exclaimed in surprise.

But by the Detective Sanchez spoke Lizzie's fear had already taken over and she did not really hear what Detective Sanchez had said. After that Lizzie went into a full blown panic where she was no longer thinking rationally but instead reacting on an emotional level. She quickly scampered from her seat to cower in the nearest corner and. Begging for her life repeatedly saying "Please don't kill me, I don't want to die" and visibly shaking the whole time.


	11. Troubled Times

After the initial shock of Lizzie's outburst passed both Mr. & Mrs. McGuire rushed to soothe their daughter. Sam reassured her that he wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt her while Jo put her arms around her. She instinctively began to rock Lizzie just like she had when Lizzie was a baby while softly saying "It's ok baby, nobody's gonna hurt you."

While the McGuire's were doing this Detective Kepley sent Doris to get the police department's psychologist. By the time Doris returned several minutes later with a middle aged woman carrying a doctors bag Lizzie had calmed down slightly. "Mr McGuire" Detective Kepley said getting Sam's attention. "This is Dr. Janet Owens the department's psychologist. She's been helping us on several related cases and would have been here earlier except she was needed elsewhere."

"Detective Sanchez already filled me in on the basics of what happened." Dr. Owens said as she set her bag on the table and opened it. "Mrs. McGuire try humming or singing her favorite lullaby when she was a baby. It should help calm her down." Sam look at her with a puzzled look on his face while Jo just nodded and began to hum Hush Little Baby. "Mr. McGuire lullaby's are one of a child's earliest memories of love and safety and it reaches them on a purely emotional level which is all she will respond to right now."

"Oh." Sam said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Dr. Owens nodded her head and asked "Yes is she allergic to any medications?" while she started to prepare a shot for Lizzie.

Sam thought a moment then replied "No."

"Sam come here and sing to her." Jo said in a soft yet urgent tone. "She always loved your singing."

Sam began to sing the lullaby in a rich mellow tenor voice that surprisingly soothing to everyone in the room. As he moved closer and knelt down besides them Dr. Owens was able to approach without letting Lizzie see the syringe in her hand. While Lizzie's attention was focused on her parents Dr. Owens deftly administered the shot without Lizzie even noticing it. "I've given her a sedative to help calm her down." she said softly as she stood up. Then she went over to the two detectives and said "Let's give them some privacy."

Within 10 minutes Lizzie was sound asleep in her mother's arms. After that Sam carried her to the office with a couch that detective Kepley led them to. As they had made sure that she was sleeping comfortably on the couch Dr. Owens said "She should sleep for 3 or 4 hours at least and I think it would be best if she was at home in her own bed when she wakes up. Also I would recommend that getting her back to her usual routine as soon as possible which should help reduce the effects of the trauma she just had." Both of the McGuire's nodded in agreement.

"What we were hoping to do was ask Lizzie to identify not only the men in the pictures and videos but also whoever took them as well" Detective Sanchez said as they stepped into the waiting area outside the office. "Obviously we won't be able to do that right now."

Both Mr. And Mrs. McGuire nodded their heads in agreement then Sam asked "So just what will she have to do to help."

Detective Kepley said "First we'll need her help in positively identifying these men so we can arrest them. After that she'll need to work with the DA's office in prosecuting them."

"Sure we'll do what ever is necessary," Mr McGuire replied, "but to be honest I wouldn't mind at all if they resisted arrest and got roughed up or worse in the process." Although he knew they couldn't say it, Sam McGuire could tell by the look on the two detective's faces they felt the same way.

**Meanwhile at Kate's house**

Kate had an afternoon dentist appointment for semi-annual exam and cleaning during 5th period that day. So she left school after lunch ended. By the time the appointment was over 6th period was already started so she went home early instead. When she pulled in she saw her dad's car in the garage which was not unusual but she hadn't expected it. As she made her way through the kitchen she stopped long enough to grab a soda and a snack. On her way through the living room to the stairs she heard her dad talking on the phone in the den so she decided to say hello. As got near the entrance of the den she heard him say "I know where there's a look alike to shoot it with.. All we have to do is give her a wig or better yet dye her hair and you can't tell the difference between the two." There was a few seconds of silence the he said "Don't worry this girl has experience doing this. I've got it all covered." Just as Kate stepped into sight he said "I have to go now I'll talk to you about this later." After he hung up the phone he went and gave Kate a hug saying "Hi baby I didn't hear you come in."

"Daddy I asked you not to call me baby anymore." Kate said after she returned the hug. "Pleeease." Although Kate would never admit it she didn't really mind him calling her baby except when her friends were present but if she didn't remind him each time she might forget to do it when her friends were around.

"Ok honey." He agreed although knew the real reason she said it then asked "Why are you home from school early? You're not sick are you?"

"No I just had a dentist appointment and when I was done there it was too late to go back to school." Kate answered. "It sounds like you're working on something, I hope you don't have to go on another business trip right away cause you just got back from the last one."

"I'm working on something for one of our customers and yes I'll have to go on another trip but it won't be for at least a couple of weeks." Mr. Sanders took off the headset and unclipped the phone from his belt then placed it on it's cradle to recharge. "I don't know exactly when it will be but I'll only be gone a few days and I should be back in plenty of time for the holidays. Ok."

"Ok, it's just that I miss you when you're gone and you go on so many trips." Kate replied. She suspected that the frequent business trips her father made for the company had a lot to do with her parent's marital problems. She hoped that he would be home long enough so they could fix whatever was wrong. "I'm gonna go to my room now and get started on my homework."

"Ok and if you need any help just let me know."

When Kate got to her bedroom she set the backpack with her schoolbooks in it on the desk before she sat on her bed and kicked her shoes off. As she lay back on the bed she thought about what had happened at lunchtime.

_As she was going through the serving line in the cafeteria with Lizzie, Kate spotted an empty table in the back of the room and headed there. After they sat down and began to eat Kate asked "So have you told your mom & dad like I suggested?"_

_Lizzie gagged a bit on her food when she heard that. It was obvious to Kate that Lizzie deliberately took her time as she finished chewing and swallowing her food giving herself more time to think about her reply. Kate wondered why Lizzie seemed so reluctant to talk to her parents or at least her mom. With anyone else it was understandable but she knew that Lizzie and her mom were really close and Lizzie often went to her mom for help._

"_Well." Kate prompted impatiently._

"_No I haven't and I'm not going to." Lizzie said as she watched Kate's reaction. Upon seeing Kate's face she explained "I just can't cause I'm too scared and besides I know they'll kill me if they find out. I just can't tell them."_

_Kate could tell from the tone of Lizzie's voice that it would be best if she just dropped the subject for a while. Seconds later both Kate and Lizzie were startled by Miranda's voice saying "What can't you tell who Lizzie?" Kate looked at Miranda as she sat down next to Lizzie. She also saw that Gordo and Ethan weren't far behind Miranda. _

"_Wouldn't you like to know." Lizzie snapped a Miranda then quickly got up and left leaving her unfinished meal behind._

"_Whoa." Ethan said as he sat down across the table from Kate._

"_I don't know what I said or did but Lizzie's mad at me." Miranda answered._

"_Maybe it's because you've got a reputation as a gossip," Gordo commented in his matter of fact tone, "and she was probably talking about something private."_

"_You got that right bro." Ethan said inn an almost congratulatory tone. "Miranda did you know that you have a rep as the biggest gossip in the school and your first semester here is only half over."_

_Kate saw that what the boys were saying was hitting Miranda pretty hard. As she started to say something to take some of the heat off Miranda Kate was thoroughly surprised at what she was about to do. Previously Kate would had reveled in Miranda's discomfort and she would've done anything she could to make it worse. "Lizzie isn't really mad at you Miranda, it's me that she's mad at."_

Kate could hardly believe that she had done that for Miranda but she also knew that it wasn't right to let Miranda take the blame for something she had done. Kate thought about calling Lizzie after school was out to apologize then decided to wait until tomorrow to do it.

**Lizzie's Bedroom**

Later that evening Lizzie woke up in her bed thinking that was one hell of a nightmare she had. "That's the worst one yet." she muttered to herself groggily as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. A few seconds later she realized that the light in her room was all wrong for morning and that she was wear her regular clothes not her pajamas. Then she knew that it hadn't been a dream at all. She was wondering how she got her in her own bedroom when the last place she remembered being was at the police station. Just then her mother walked in with what smelled like a cup of coffee.

"Oh good you're awake. How are you feeling? Do you need anything Honey?" Mrs. McGuire said as she walked to the chair next to Lizzie's bed.

"Yeah I need to go to the bathroom first then I need a drink." Lizzie said as she sat up and swung to the floor where she kept her slippers by the bed. She didn't really need to go to the bathroom but it would buy her some time to try and sort out the confusion she felt. It turned out that she really did need to go and it gave her even more time to think about all the questions she had. Why was her mother treating her like she'd been really sick or hurt when she was neither? Now that her parents and the police knew about all those really dirty, nasty and bad things she had done with John and his friends why hadn't they punished her yet?. What was eventually going to happen to her? These things and many others had her so confused she couldn't even think straight right now.

On her way back to her room Lizzie realized that she was gonna be asked a lot of questions. Some of those questions would be ones that she didn't want to answer and others that she couldn't answer. Just outside her bedroom door she noticed that in spite of being confused, frustrated and most of all scared she also felt relieved now that her secret was out. While stepping into her room she saw of Matt's RC cars speed past her feet into the room. Before it made it any further into the room she snagged it by the antenna and tossed it down the hall then slammed the door shut. When Lizzie turned back around and saw her mother sitting next to her bed looking right at her she remembered that she'd been warned about Matt's cars.

Mrs. McGuire just looked and said "Don't worry about it sweet pea, just don't break them ok."

Lizzie was more than a little puzzled by her mom's reaction but she nodded her head in acknowledgment and said "Ok." As she sat on the bed she noticed there was a bottle of cream soda, a plate of spaghetti and a couple of pieces of garlic bread on her night stand. She looked at her mother and Lizzie saw a look of sadness and pain on her face. That look made Lizzie feel even more ashamed of herself.

"I'm sorry mom, I am so sorry." Lizzie apologized but once that was said she couldn't stop. "I'm sorry for the way I acted today at the police station but I was just so scared. I'm scared all the time and I just wish I could stop being scared. I'm sorry for doing all those dirty, nasty, terrible things. Most of all I'm sorry for disappointing you and dad by not being the good girl you wanted me to be." Lizzie continued on like that non-stop for several minutes more and by the time she had finished Lizzie was forcing her words out through her uncontrollable sobs.

Mrs. McGuire moved to sit on the bed beside her daughter and put he arms around Lizzie to comfort her. "Lizzie you have nothing to be sorry about, nothing at all. We're not disappointed in you at all."

Mrs. McGuire spent the next couple hours comforting Lizzie until she had fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion caused by all the stress of the day. If Lizzie had been awake she would have heard her mother sobbing softly as she closed the door on her way out.


	12. Lizzie comes clean

When the alarm clock ringing woke Lizzie up the next morning she groaned as she reached to shut it off. As she threw her covers off and sat up on the edge of the bed Lizzie realized that she was still wearing the clothes that she had worn the previous day. With that realization the memory of yesterday's events raced through her mind causing a cold shiver to run down her spine. "Damn it, why couldn't it have just been another nightmare?" she asked herself out loud.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before going over to her desk. Lizzie thought about how she could write down what had happened in her diary as she opened the drawer where she kept it. When she saw that it wasn't there her heart skipped a beat. Hoping that it had just been misplaced she began searching the other drawers. When she couldn't find it in any of the other drawers Lizzie frantically searched the rest of her room for the missing diary. As she searched Lizzie cursed at Matt under her breath. Although she had cursed softly at first but as the search went on without the book being found her cursing became louder and louder.

When Lizzie opened her door she saw her mother in her bathrobe rushing towards her room only a few steps away with her father a couple steps behind with his face half shaved and half covered with shaving cream. "Lizzie what's wrong? Are you Ok?" her mother asked

"It's missing, I can't find it anywhere." Lizzie replied.

"What's missing?" her father asked.

"My dairy, my real one not the fake I use as a decoy for when Matt goes through my stuff." Lizzie said frantically.

"What!" Mrs. McGuire exclaimed then said "Well see about that." She quickly turned and headed to Matt's bedroom giving Mr. McGuire almost no time to get out of her way. When she burst into Matt's room she saw him quickly shove something under his mattress. "Ok young man get off that bed and let me see what you're hiding."

Matt hesitated at first but the look on both of his parents faces convinced him to comply without any fuss. After he got out of bed while wrapping himself in the covers Mr. McGuire quickly moved to lift the mattress jostling the study desk and knocking over the backpack with Matt's schoolbooks in the process. Mr. McGuire lifted the mattress revealing several old issues of Playboy and Penthouse magazines.

Mrs. McGuire scooped up the magazines and said"Matthew McGuire we are going to have a long talk about this with you later. Right now I want to know where Lizzie's diary is and I'm giving you just this one chance to tell me and if I find that you lied to me you're gonna be in trouble like you've never been in before."

When Lizzie saw the magazines and realized just what they were she was nearly overcome by feelings of shame and embarrassment at what it reminded her of. She turned away from the sight of them as her mother spoke unable to bear the sight of them and what they reminded her of. Her eyes roamed over Matt's desk as she heard him nervously claim not to know where the diary was. Immediately after he spoke she saw amongst the schoolbooks that had spilled out of his backpack what appeared to be a familiar pink book spine. When she took a closer look Lizzie saw that it was her diary. "My diary!!" Lizzie exclaimed as she pulled it from the school books then turned to glower angrily at her brother. She wanted to hit him so much and to yell at him all the hurtful things that filled her mind right then but in the end she just couldn't bring herself to do it. So instead she just ran back into her room and threw herself on the bed wondering why everything had to happen to her all at once like this.

As she lay there wallowing in self pity her father came in and sat next to her and said "Lizzie I know you probably won't believe this but this won't last and things will get better. It won't go back to the way things were but it will get better I promise you that."

As he started to get up and leave she turned over to look at him she noticed that he had wiped the shaving cream off of his face and his half shaved face looked so funny she couldn't keep from laughing out loud. He smiled at the sound of her laughter which just made her laugh even harder. When she stopped Lizzie said "Thanks dad, I really needed that."

As he was leaving her room he stopped and said "By the way you can stay home from school today if you want to." Then he closed the door before she could say anything.

After a minute or so she picked up a pen from her nightstand and opened the diary. She quickly wrote in large bold letters three words; **NO MORE SECRETS**. Then proceeded to make plans to carry out the decision she had pretty much made the previous night and that this mornings events had convinced her was the right thing to do if she ever wanted to stop living in fear.

After school as Miranda and her mom walked over to Lizzie's house Miranda wondered what it was that Lizzie wanted to talk to them about. Earlier at lunchtime she had found out that Lizzie had also called Gordo and Kate asking each of them to meet at her house an hour after school with at least one of their parents if possible. Lizzie hadn't gone to school so Miranda couldn't try to get more out of her and at lunchtime Kate admitted that she knew what it was probably but flat out refused to say any more about it. When they arrived Miranda saw Kate's and the Gordon's car along with what appeared to be an unmarked police car parked in front of the McGuire's house. Miranda knew then that whatever Lizzie wanted to tell them it must be something very serious. All of a sudden Miranda wasn't sure that she wanted to know what it was.

Miranda was surprised to see that her cousin Doris answer the door. She noticed that Doris had a police ID clipped to her belt and was wearing a gun in a shoulder holster just like the police detectives did on TV shows. She knew that Doris had joined the police after graduating high school six years ago but the reality of it had never sunk in until now. As Miranda and her mother were greeted by Doris she felt a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach which made her feel almost like running away to hide.

As that feeling passed Miranda heard Doris saying "... everyone here so let me introduce you to my partner Detective Don Kepley and Dr. Janet Owens." Pointing to the black man who was dressed like she was and the raven haired middle aged woman as she spoke. "Please have a seat and we'll get started."

Miranda sat on the sofa with Gordo and Kate while her mother took a seat next to the Gordon's, Mrs. Sanders and the McGuire's. After that Lizzie walked into the room with a nervous yet determined look on her face. "I asked you all here because I have something really important to tell all of you and I want to get all done and over with at one time." Lizzie said in a shaky voice at first but got stronger and smoothed out the more she spoke. "I already told Kate about some of it last Friday but not all of it. The detectives and the doctor here have already found out some of it too but not all of it. A little over four years ago ..." Lizzie went on to tell them the whole story leaving nothing out.


	13. The Aftermath

**A/N: Bold italic text is Spanish translated into English**

**Lizzie**

After Lizzie had finished telling her story in full to everyone there had been a flurry of questions for her to answer as well. What surprised her was that neither Gordo or Miranda asked any questions at all just the adults did. The whole time they just sat there with looks of stunned disbelief on their faces as if they had just seen something so horrible that they couldn't comprehend it. Kate had shown more compassion and feeling than her two oldest and closest friends had. When it was all over and everyone had left Lizzie felt as if she had just run a marathon. She felt so weak that she could hardly move. When she looked at the clock Lizzie saw that only a little over two hours had passed.

Lizzie hadn't realized that she had sat down on the sofa until she heard her mother say "Lizzie honey have something to eat it'll make you feel better." Then she noticed that her mother holding a glass of milk and plate with a couple of large fudge brownies on it for her. Mrs. McGuire set them on the end table before she had a chance to reach for them and sat down next to her. When Lizzie reached out to take one of the brownies she noticed that her hand was trembling slightly. She picked one of the brownies and began to eat it as she watched her father putting the extra chairs away. It seemed like she had hardly started on the first brownie when realized that she had eaten both of them and the glass of milk was empty.

"Mom did I do the right thing?" Lizzie asked.

"Yes honey you did the right thing." Mrs. McGuire reassured her while giving her a hug "Your father and I very proud of you and we love you very much."

"I know mom and I love you too. It's just that lots of times I feel like I don't deserve to be loved because I let you guys down some how."

When Mrs. McGuire heard her daughter say that it was as if she'd been hit by a sledgehammer. "Lizzie you did not let us down in any way" she said emphatically. "I don't want to ever forget that you hear me. You have never let us down and you never will." Mrs. McGuire was sorely tempted to ask Lizzie the question that Dr. Owens had advised them not to ask before they had left the police station.

"_Before you go I advise you not to ask 'Why didn't you tell us sooner?' or say 'You should have told us right away'. It does no good, I know because I did 15 years ago and I've regretted it ever since." _

_Both of the McGuire's looked as if they were surprised to hear her say that. "Why?" Mr. McGuire asked._

"_Fifteen years ago when I was still just a family doctor my 14 year old son's little league coach was caught in the act of having sex with him. It turned out that he had been sexually abusing my son and several of the other boys for about 2 years before being caught. I asked my son that question and he couldn't answer it and ran off to his bedroom to be alone. A few hours later when I went to talk to him I found that he had hung himself. Since then I've regretted asking that question every minute of every single day."_

_Mrs. McGuire gasped and said "I'm so sorry to hear that."_

"_After that I decided to go back to school to get a degree in Psychology specializing in sexual abuse cases. I want to point out that if you really think about it before you ask that question you'll find that you already know the answer. Also when you ask that the child feels as if you are putting all the blame on them making them feel worse than they already do." _

While Mrs. McGuire thought of that Lizzie said "Mom, do you think Miranda and Gordo will still like me?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because of the way they both looked at me and also because they didn't say anything to me except good bye when they were leaving" Lizzie said dejectedly.

**Gordo**

To say Gordo was stunned by what Lizzie had told them would be an understatement. It had left him in a state of shock so complete he could barely say goodbye when he and his parents left the McGuire's home. He had thought he had a good idea why Lizzie broke up with him after only a few dates but he found out just how wrong he was.

Sexual abuse and child pornography; those were terms he heard his parents use when discussing work or lecturing him and on the news but not ones that he ever dreamed of being used in conjunction with a friend let alone Lizzie McGuire. The whole time time Lizzie had been talking he had kept on thinking to himself 'Oh God this can't be real.' He had and still felt so many conflicting emotions about the whole thing he couldn't make heads or tails out of how he felt.

Gordo had never dreamed that anything like that could possibly happen to anyone he knew let alone Lizzie. Lizzie had seemed her normal care free innocent self to him all that time giving them no clues that she was a victim of sexual abuse. Now that he knew what had been going on a lot of the things that Lizzie had said or done that had puzzled him before made more sense now, while other things about her behavior made less sense. He silently chided himself for not recognizing any of the signs that this had been going on. He felt that he should have seen it sooner and done something to help.

Once the Gordon's were home Mr. Gordon said in a carefully measured tone "David you've been very quiet through all this, is there anything you wanted to say or ask?"

At first Gordo shook his head no but as he started to go to his room. Just before he got to the stairs Gordo turned and blurted out "All of this it can't really have happened to her, can it?"

"I'm sorry son but as much as I'd like to believe it isn't true unfortunately it is all true." Mr. Gordon replied sadly. "I don't know if you noticed it but the two officers and Dr. Owens statements did confirm the truthfulness of Lizzie's claims."

"But why she didn't tell anyone sooner? Is it really as bad as people say it is? Why did it have to happen to her?" he asked in obvious confusion. "I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't understand any of this." Gordo said with an expression on his face that was practically begging for help.

When Mr. Gordon saw that look on his sons face he knew it was time for him to stop being Dr. Gordon and just simply be a father to his child. He put his arm around his son's shoulder as he said in a comforting tone "I know David, that's why your mother and I are going to do everything we possibly can to help you understand and get through this. Now to answer your questions. First, there are probably many reasons why but I think it was mostly because she was afraid to. Second, yes it is that bad. In fact it's one of the worst things that can happen to a child. As for the third one no one knows the answer to that one David."

"Dad is there anything I can do to help Lizzie?"

"Just be her friend David."

Gordo was more than a little surprised by that answer. He'd been expecting a long winded complicated answer with definite suggestions of what to do like his dad usually gave him."That doesn't sound like much help."

"I know but in the end it will be more help than anything else that anyone can do. She doesn't need you to have a miracle cure. She doesn't need you to be her knight in shining armor. She just needs you to be her friend. Someday when you're older you'll really understand how much help just being a friend is in times like these. It could even save her life."

"Whoa. Wha ... What do you mean save her life?"

Mr. Gordon hated to lay this burden on his son but he also knew that if things turned out badly David would lay an even heavier burden of guilt on himself. "Son studies show that the suicide rate for victims of sexual abuse is significantly higher than it is for other teenagers. Those same studies also show that acceptance and support by their peers greatly reduce the chances of it."

As that sunk in Gordo felt as if a heavy burden had been put on his shoulders. He also felt that maybe there really was something he could do to help the girl he loved.

**Miranda**

Miranda wanted to say something to Lizzie before she left but when it came time to all she could bring herself to say was a quick 'Bye, see ya later' with none of the usual banter or anything. No words of comfort or reassurance she could think of seemed adequate to her. Besides that Miranda was sure that there was no way that what Lizzie said happened could of happened without her knowing about it. This couldn't really have happened she kept telling herself and even if it did really happen it couldn't really be as bad as all the grownups were making it out to be. Miranda couldn't believe the Lizzie had sex before she did. Lizzie a girl who could barely talk to a guy she 'liked' let alone do anything else with them. Not only that she didn't even bother to tell her best friend anything about it.

As they approached the street Mrs. Sanchez called to her niece **"_Doris if you have the time later could you come over so we can talk?_"**

Detective Sanchez replied _**"Sure Aunt Daniella."**_ Doris paused a few moments then said _**"Could you wait just a minute?" **_

Mrs. Sanchez nodded her head as she said_** "Ok."**_

Doris spoke with her partner for about half a minute before joining them. _**"Don said he'd clock me out since it is just about time for me to go off shift any how, so I'll walk home with you."**_

As they walked to Miranda's house they continued talking in Spanish about mundane things and said nothing about what Lizzie had just told them. Miranda knew this because she had become fairly fluent in Spanish since the time almost two years ago when she went on the show El Oro de Montezuma with her cousin Carlos, Lizzie and Gordo. It had really bothered her when at the end of the show they wound up making fools of themselves because she couldn't understand the instructions given in Spanish. After that Miranda asked her parents to teach her their native language. That along with her summer trips to Mexico City made it possible for her to learn Spanish. Now she could hardly wait to take Spanish in high school because it would be a class she would ace easily.

By the time they had arrived home Miranda was just dying to learn more about the truth of what Lizzie had told them. Finally after they were all seated in the living room Miranda couldn't keep quiet any longer but she wasn't sure how to say it in Spanish so she blurted out in English "Do you really think that everything Lizzie told us about her having sex with John Larson and those other guys is really true?" Both of the women were so stunned at the bluntness of Miranda's question that they quit talking and just stared at her.

After several seconds of silence Doris said "Miranda I know for a fact that what she said happened did happen because I've seen the proof." Doris had a look of disgust mixed with anger as she remembered what she had seen and heard the last few days while she spoke.

"But it can't be as bad as people make it sound, can it?" Miranda asked hoping that things were as bad as all the adults had made it seem. "I mean people have sex all the time and like it so it can't really be that bad can it?"

Both Mrs. Sanchez and Doris started to answer her questions but Doris got her answer in first "What happened to Lizzie could not be called sex, she was raped. She was raped repeatedly over a long period of time."

"Miranda," Mrs Sanchez began before Miranda could say anything. "Having sex and being raped are two entirely different things. Being raped is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I know all this is really difficult for you to understand right now but when you're older you will." Mrs Sanchez knew from the confused and hurt look on her daughter's face she knew that it would be quite a while before Miranda would truly come to accept and understand what had happened to her best friend.

"But why didn't she tell anyone about it sooner?" Miranda asked in a puzzled tone mixed with more than a little frustration.

Mrs. Sanchez replied "I'm pretty sure that she didn't say anything because she was probably afraid to."

"There's no probably about it, she was and still is more afraid than you can imagine. What she did today was the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do," Doris added.

"Honey why don't you go on up to your room and we'll talk later alright. Right now I want to talk privately with Doris ok," Mrs. Sanchez asked in a pleasant but firm tone. This was fine with Miranda since all this was just too much too fast and she wanted some time alone to think about it. On her way up to her room Miranda stopped as soon as she was out of sight so she could do a little eavesdropping. Almost as soon as she was out of sight she heard her mother speak.

"_**Doris are you ok?"**_ Mrs. Sanchez asked.

Miranda heard Doris sigh before answering _**"No, I guess I'm not ok."**_

"_**What's wrong?"**_

"_**It's this case, it's bothering me more than I expected it to. I've worked on other child molestation and child pornography cases but none of them were as bad as this case is."**_

"_**How is it worse than the others?"**_

"_**This guy had Lizzie convinced that if her parents, the police or anyone else for that matter, found out we would execute her. Yesterday when we were telling Lizzie and her parents what we knew and about the evidence we had to prove it she had a panic attack. No not just a panic attack I mean Lizzie was literally scared out of her mind. She was completely irrational and had to be sedated."**_

When Miranda heard that she sat down on the stairs almost as if she'd been knocked down. Then she heard her mother gasp loudly and say _**"Oh my God." **_

"_**When I think of the sweet innocent little girl that I used to baby sit and what has been done to her it makes me so angry that I want to hurt,"**_ Doris paused a moment then continued,**_ "no I want to kill those people who did this to her." _**

Although Miranda couldn't understand all of what was said but what she did understand made her feel las if she'd been hit over the head with a baseball bat. To her all of this sounded like something out of the action/thriller movies she liked to watch but this was real and it had happened to her best friend. There was no happy ending where everything was alright. No feeling of relief and safety because the the bad guys were all taken care of for good. Now that she knew what Kate had been talking about a few days ago and now she wondered if she could prove herself worthy of the trust Lizzie had just put in her. It wasn't until after she stood up to go to her room that she realized that she'd sat down on the stairs. Miranda went to her room as quickly and quietly as she could; leaving before she could hear her cousin say that her boss would probably pull her off the case because of her relationship with Lizzie.


	14. The New Reality

The next day Lizzie spent the whole morning going through mug books. In the course of which recognized one of the other men in the videos in one of the mug books. At first both Detectives Don Kepley and Doris Sanchez had been helping her but after about an hour Doris was called into the Lieutenant in charge of the vice squad. Several minutes later Lizzie clearly heard Doris' voice say "Damn it Lieutenant I want to nail those fucking perverts who did it to her." even though she was on the opposite side of the squad room and the door to the Lt.'s office was closed . Lizzie could still here voices coming from the office but not clearly enough to understand what was being said. It wasn't long after that that Doris stormed out of the office went over to her desk where they were still going through mugshots.

"Mrs. McGuire, Lizzie I have to go now but," Doris paused to pull out a business card and wrote something on the back, "here is my card with my home phone number on the back. Don't hesitate to call me if you need my help at any time." Then Doris grabbed her coat and handbag before leaving. Lizzie was puzzled by this and a bit upset by the fact that the only person that she really knew besides her mother had just left. Apparently it had shown on her face because Detective Kepley said "Lt. Reed took her off the case just like I figured he would."

"Why" Lizzie asked.

"Because he heard about her past relationship with you and he figures that she would be too emotionally involved in the case."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"When officers get too emotionally involved they tend to make mistakes. Mistakes that can ruin cases so the bad guys go free or mistakes that can get people killed." detective Kepley explained. "This case is very important and Lieutenant Reed wants everything done by the book with no mistakes so that the bad guys don't get away with it." Detective Kepley paused a moment to watch not only Lizzie's reaction to what he said but also Mrs. Mcguire's as well since what he was saying was for her benefit as well. "You see Lizzie you aren't the only child in Hillridge that's been victimized by these guys. We've suspected that there's been a child pornography ring working in this area for about 5 years but there's been no evidence to prove it until now. Your case is the first real break we've had because when we arrested John Larson this morning he had in his possession a lot of the same photo's and videos we've taken from other pedophiles that we've arrested in the past few years. The difference is that he had some of the negatives and original videos in his possession as well."

"I see." Lizzie said even though she did really understand the explanation. Although she was in an odd way comforted to know that she wasn't the only person that these things had happened to.

After lunch, which she didn't eat very much of even though it was a favorite of hers, Lizzie met with an assistant D.A. At the district attorney's office near the court house. The ADA had explained what they were going to to do and what was probably going to happen over the next few months. Lizzie was glad that her mother was there because she throughout the whole meeting because she finding the whole experience confusing and some what overwhelming at time.

All through this everyone including her mother was treating her as if she'd been hurt or really sick which was strange since neither of those had happened to her. Lizzie still felt that she was the one who had done some very bad things and should be punished for it. She couldn't understand why if what these men everyone wanted her to identify had done with her was so bad why didn't they arrest her as well. She had done those things with those men but no one was acting as if she had done anything wrong at all. Every one kept saying that when John and the other men had sex with her they had committed a terrible crime so Lizzie figured that she had committed a terrible crime Earlier both her mother and the ADA had tried to explain why the men had committed a crime while she hadn't when they had sex but it just didn't make any sense to her at all. In the end her mother said that when Lizzie was older she would understand it. Lizzie hated that answer because her parents answered many of her questions saying "You'll understand when you're older."

What had bothered her even more was that when Gordo had called her in the morning their conversation was short and very odd. It seemed as if he were afraid to talk to her all of a sudden. There was none of the casual banter that they usually had, none of his usual witty remarks. He hadn't even made any of his corny puns which she loved to hear even though she moaned and groaned about them. The worst thing though was the fact that Miranda hadn't called her at all that morning which was odd since she always called Lizzie in the morning unless she out of town or really sick. Lizzie was beginning to think that maybe she made a mistake by telling them all about her secret.

By the time they had finished everything school was already out. After they got home Lizzie went up to her room turned on the radio then kicked off her shoes before laying throwing herself on the bed. Lizzie just wanted to forget the whole mess that was her life at least for a little while. Listening to music usually helped but after a few minutes it clear that it wasn't going to work today. So she turned off the radio then got out the letter and DVD Isabella Parigi had sent her a few weeks after she got back from Rome. The DVD was of the IMVA show in Rome where she had performed with Isabella. She put in the DVD then skipped to her performance and began to watch. As she watched her performance and the award presentation Lizzie began to feel a little better about herself. Every time she watched the DVD it made her feel like she was 'somebody' worthwhile and not just a plaything for other people to use.

"You enjoyed doing that very much didn't you" her mother said startling her so much that she almost fell off the bed.

Lizzie nodded her head as she said "Yeah, who wouldn't?"

"So how did it feel being up on stage?" her mother asked.

"Well at first I was nervous but that went away pretty quick and after that it felt great. It felt as if I was someone special and worth while even though I'm not." Lizzie answered in a matter of fact tone.

Mrs. McGuire was visibly upset by her daughters answer and said "Lizzie McGuire you are special and worthwhile and I don't ever want you to forget that."

"No mom I'm not because the things that John and his friends did with me don't happen special people. Heck even Paolo Valisari knew I was just someone he could use from when he first met me. He never had any other interest except to use me to ruin Isabella's career. That's all I seem to be good for, to be used by other people for their own pleasure or gain."

"Honey that is not true. You may not believe it now but it is not true."

"Yes it is and even Gordo and Miranda know it."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well since I told them about all of this they don't talk to me like they used to." The pain etched in Lizzie's face as she said that told her mother just how much it bothered her. "It's like they don't want to talk to me let alone be around me."

"Oh honey is that why you've been so upset today?" Mrs. McGuire watched Lizzie's reaction closely because she doubted that Lizzie would actually answer it. The look on Lizzie's face and the way her shoulders drooped was all the answer her mother needed. "Listen Honey, you just told them about it yesterday and it was an awful lot for them to understand. Just give them a little time to understand what you told them and things will be back to normal between you and them. Ok."

"I guess so mom." Lizzie hoped that her mom was right because otherwise her decision to tell Gordo and Miranda about it will have been a big mistake. Lizzie also wondered if Miranda would be able to keep from gossiping about it at school but it was a risk that she was willing to take in order to be completely honest with her best friends. She hoped that Miranda would keep her mouth shut about this secret at least because Lizzie sure as hell didn't want the rest of the school to know about it.


	15. Crushed

By Wednesday of the next week Lizzie found that her mom was right when she said to just give Miranda and Gordo a little time to get used to the situation. Now they were talking to her more like they used to before they found out about her secret. Although Lizzie still wondered if she should have told Miranda because of her inability to keep secrets. Still it had been almost a week and apparently Miranda had kept the secret so far.

Things seemed to be going ok now. John Larson had been arrested last Friday. The DA's office had set up an appointment for some kind of evaluation for next Monday. Although the best thing that had happened was when the prank that Claire Miller had set up to embarrass her backfired and Claire got suspended for a whole week. Lizzie was also looking forward to the party she was going to have on her 15th birthday next week.

When she didn't find Miranda in the cafeteria Lizzie went looking for her so she could talk to her about the party. After looking for almost 10 minutes Lizzie remembered that some of the girls that Miranda liked to gossip with often had lunch outside near the parking lot. She hurried out the main doors then head towards the parking which was on the west side of the building. When she got near the back corner of the building she could hear voices talking and just before she got around the corner Lizzie heard Miranda's voice say something that made her stop dead in her tracks "I swear to God that I'm telling the truth, Lizzie McGuire has had sex."

Another voice Lizzie didn't recognize said "I find it hard to believe that she really had sex. She seems like such a little miss goody-two-shoes to me."

Miranda replied "Honestly she's had sex and not just once but a bunch of times and with a bunch of different guys. My cousin who's a detective in the police department told me that they have pictures and porno movies of her having sex."

As Lizzie listened to what Miranda was saying it felt like Miranda had just reached into her chest and ripped out her heart. Lizzie knew that it wouldn't be long before everyone in the school would know her secret now. She was so stunned by what she had heard that she lost track of everything around her until she saw Miranda come around the corner and almost walk into her. Lizzie saw the surprised look on Miranda's face quickly turn to a look of guilt and shame when she recognized who she had almost run into.

Lizzie was furious at the betrayal of her trust in her best friend. She wanted to lash out at Miranda and hurt her like she'd been hurt. There was so many things she wanted to say but when Lizzie opened her mouth to say them but no words came out. She could find no words that could express what she was feeling so instead Lizzie turned and ran. She just felt as if she had to get away from there. Anywhere else would do but she really wanted to go home so she ran off the school grounds and down the street towards the nearest city bus stop.


	16. Where's Lizzie?

When Gordo got home from school he fixed himself sandwich then turned on the TV. After surfing the channels for over 20 minutes he realized that the reason why there was nothing on that he wanted to watch was because he really didn't want to watch TV in the first place. He got up and went over to where they kept the video games but as soon as he started looking at them he knew he didn't want to play them. He didn't know what he really wanted to do but he knew that what ever it was it definitely didn't involve a TV.

He finally decided to review the term paper on spectrography he had written for his science class, which wasn't due till the last week of the semester. Gordo knew that all of the other kids in his class had even started on their papers yet but he had always done his homework first before doing anything else and this was homework. In fact out of all the students taking Mr. Robert's Physical Science class He knew that probably only Larry Tudgeman had done anything on the paper which Mr. Robert's had told them about on the first day of class and had reminded them of each Friday since then.

About 20 minutes later the phone rang. At this time of day it could only be either Lizzie or Miranda calling. "Man I wish mom & dad would get caller ID." Gordo said as he picked up the phone. "Hello, Gordon residence."

"Hi Gordo." replied Mrs. McGuire's voice. "Is Lizzie there?"

"No she isn't Mrs. McGuire. Maybe she's over at Miranda's house."

"I already call there and Miranda said she wasn't over there either."

"Oh well have you called Kate's house? Lizzie's been hanging out with Kate a lot lately."

"I was planning on calling her next if Lizzie wasn't with you. Thanks Gordo." Mrs McGuire said before she hung up.

It wasn't like Lizzie to not tell her parents where she was or where she was going. Then again lately he found out that Lizzie had been doing a lot of things that didn't seem like her for quite a while. Gordo thought about that for a few more seconds before he went back to revising the paper.

Meanwhile Kate had been doing her homework ever since she got home and she was ready for a break from the homework. She wanted to talk to Lizzie so after she got a drink she picked up the phone and dialed Lizzie's number.

"Hello" Mrs. McGuire answered after the first ring.

"Hi Mrs. McGuire is Lizzie there?" Kate asked.

"May I ask who's calling?"

"It's me, Kate Sanders Mrs. McGuire."

"Oh I was just about to call you and ask if Lizzie was there."

"No she's not here."

"Do you know where she is?"

"No I don't and I haven't seen her since before lunchtime."

"I thought you two had last period together?"

"We do but she wasn't there today. We all figured that you had picked her up from school at lunchtime. Lizzie said that she was gonna talk to Miranda at lunch, maybe she knows where Lizzie's at."

"I already asked and she doesn't know where Lizzie's at either. That's the problem nobody knows where she's at."

A chill ran down Kate's back when she heard Mrs. McGuire say that. Kate was about to say that it wasn't like Lizzie to just take off without letting someone know where she was going, then she remembered all that sneaking around that Lizzie did while in Rome. This thought, more than anything else, made Kate realized that there was a lot to Lizzie that she or anyone else knew about. "I'll go check and see if she's at any of the places she usually hangs out. I'll call and let you know what I find out."

"Ok well do the same around here. Goodbye." Although it was apparent that Mrs. McGuire was trying to remain calm Kate could hear a little bit of fear in her voice as she spoke those last words.

As Kate got ready to go looking for Lizzie she thought about where Lizzie might be. Kate was afraid that Lizzie might have run away. Which frankly scared the hell out of her but she was going to hope and pray for the best. As she went through the kitchen on her way to the garage she had an idea. Kate went over to the phone in the kitchen and quickly dialed a number.

After several rings it was answered by the person she was wanting to speak to. "Hello"

"Hi Clare."

"Hi ya Kate what's up?"

"A lot actually. I need your help."

"What can I do?" Claire said in a cheerful voice.

"Well you see Lizzie McGuire is missing and I need your help in looking for her." Kate knew that Claire didn't like Lizzie but this was different and she was sure that Claire would help out in the end. Because of that expectation Claire's reply was a bit of a surprise.

"What you gotta be kidding. Kate you know I'd do almost anything for you but this isn't one of them. I'm not gonna go looking for that bitch, not after she got me an in-school suspension for a whole week." Kate could hear the hatred in Claire's voice as she spoke.

"You can't blame her for that. Lizzie did not make you throw that water balloon full of red dye which missed her and hit Ms. Ungermeyer in the face. You did that all on your own"

"Well any way I hope I never see her again so you can get someone else to help you find her." Claire said so loudly that she was almost yelling then hung up. Kate was so stunned by Claire's outburst that she just stood there staring at the phone in her hand for a minute before setting it down and leaving to go look for Lizzie.

After Mrs. McGuire had hung up the phone she thought a seconds about what she would do next. "Don't panic Jo" she said out loud to herself. "Lizzie's ok and there is no need to panic." After repeating that to herself a few times she then went to get her purse. She got out the card Doris Sanchez had given her the other day then proceeded to call the phone number listed on the card.

"Detective Sanchez speaking."

"Doris I need your help."

"That's what I'm here for but first I need to know who you are."

"I'm sorry. This is Jo McGuire and Lizzie's missing? How soon can I report her missing?" the tumbled out with a little bit of the fear she felt creeping into her voice.

"The minute you notice that a child is missing is when you are supposed to report them missing. Now hold on while I get things started." Immediately after Doris said that Mrs. McGuire was put on hold. While she waited the fear she felt began to grow even though she was doing all the calming techniques she'd discovered over the years. After a couple minutes Doris came back on the line. "Ok a squad car should arrive there shortly in the meanwhile what can you tell me about when and where she was last seen." Mrs. McGuire then told her all that she knew what had happened. About 10 minutes later the squad car that was dispatched arrived.


	17. Miranda's Guilt

It had been 6 days since Lizzie had disappeared. No one knew why she had left the school at lunch time that day, no one except Miranda Sanchez that is. She alone knew why Lizzie had run off from school that day.

The day Lizzie disappeared, which was not quite a week after Lizzie had revealed her big secret to all her friends, while Miranda was talking with a small group of girls in the junior and senior class at lunch time the topic of sex came up. The older girls talked about sex and who was having sex with with who. She was sorely tempted to mention that Lizzie had them all beat and at first Miranda had resisted that temptation. As the discussion went on Miranda finally gave in to the temptation and let it slip that she knew a girl in the freshman class who had had sex before she was even in junior high. Of course the older girls thought she was making it up and told her so. Miranda eventually mentioned Lizzie's name to them. One thing led to another and by the time lunch was half over she had revealed that Lizzie had even been in some pornos and that Miranda had a cousin who was a cop in the Hillridge police department who had proof of it.

As Miranda told the other girls those she felt a pang of guilt over what she was doing. Even though Lizzie hadn't asked her to keep it a secret and not tell anyone else about it Miranda knew that she didn't want anyone else to find out. Yet knowing this she couldn't keep herself from betraying the trust her best friend had shown her by telling her deepest and darkest secrets. When Miranda finished talking to the other girls she looked at her watch and made an excuse to leave then turned to leave the other girls headed the opposite direction. When she went around the corner of the building, which was only about six or seven feet away, she almost literally ran into Lizzie.

Lizzie's face was ashen and tears were rolling from her red rimmed eyes down her cheeks to splash silently on the grass. Miranda knew that Lizzie had heard what she'd been telling the other girls. She knew that Lizzie had overheard her best friend betraying her trust. Lizzie had opened her mouth to say something to Miranda but no harsh accusing words came out but none were needed because the look in her eyes said it all. Lizzie had turned and ran back towards the school's front doors before Miranda could say anything. That was the last Miranda saw of her best friend in the the world. The friend whose trust she had totally betrayed.

The day after that fateful event it was found out that Lizzie had gotten onto a city bus to go home and was dropped off at the city bus stop just a few blocks from her home. The driver of that bus had recognized Lizzie's face on the morning news show and reported what he knew. A search of the area between the bus stop and Lizzie's home turned up signs of a struggle where Lizzie's purse and charm bracelet had been found torn and broken about a half block from the bus stop. Miranda had almost feinted when she heard that and her feelings of guilt grew worse.

That had happened 6 long days ago and no one knew that it was all Miranda's fault but that would change soon enough. For Miranda each of those days had been a guilt filled eternity. What ever had happened to Lizzie since then she knew it was all her fault. Miranda so desperately wished that she could go back in time to change what she had done, but unfortunately that was impossible but there was one thing she could do about it and she was determined to do it. When lunch time had started Miranda checked the classroom to see if it was empty before she went in, sat down and began writing. When she was done she gripped the note explaining why Lizzie had run off that day in her hand as if it was about to run away if she didn't hold on to it tightly. Miranda then went over to the window and opened it before leaping out the window three stories above the spot where she had last seen her best friend. As she plummeted towards the ground Miranda quickly asked for Lizzie's forgiveness one last time just before she felt an intense pain and then was engulfed by darkness.


	18. Dead or Alive

About an hour before sunrise the garbage truck rumbled up the alley toward the first stop on the first leg of it's route. "Ok kid since this is your first day you get to check the dumpsters before we dump them." the older of the two said although there was only a few years age difference between them

"Why do I gotta do that Ben?" asked Jim.

"Cause that's what the boss wants, so we do it." Ben replied.

"I know that but why does he want it done?"

"Cause five or six years ago one of the trucks was dumping it's load in the land fill and they found a stiff in the load. Since nobody was checking the dumpsters the cops had no idea where the stiff was picked up. A few days later the boss got chewed out by the chief of police and the mayor about it. It turned out, according to the medical examiner's report, that the stiff had been a wino sleeping it off in a dumpster and he was alive when he went into the back of the truck. So ever since then one of us always checks the dumpsters before dumping them." Ben explained.

"So do you find many of them in the dumpsters?"

"Not many but a few. I've found a drunk sleeping it off in one last winter. Damn glad I never found any like old Charlie did last year." Ben said.

"What did he find?" Jim asked apprehensively.

"Old Charlie found a corpse." Ben paused as he pulled up to the first pick up at the back of a department store. "Ok get out and check 'em."

About a minute later Jim returned and climbed back in the cab. He was pale faced and shaking as he said "We gotta call the cops."

"Why what's wrong?" Ben asked.

"There's a body in the middle dumpster."

Ben looked at him for a moment then said "It's probably just an old mannequin they threw out. The first time I saw one I thought it was a dead body at first. I'll just go double check it."

Ben grabbed his flash light then got out and approached the middle dumpster. When he opened the lid and shined the light in it has saw what was unmistakably the naked body of a young teenage girl with long brown hair covered in blood from several stab wounds in her torso. She appeared to be about the same age as his 15 year old daughter. Ben felt like he was gonna be sick but somehow he managed to get back to the truck before he threw up. After he finished doing that Ben called the police and the office on his cell phone and told them about what they had found

It wasn't long before a patrol car came along. Ben met the officers and briefly told one of them what had happened while the other took a look in the dumpster. After making a quick check of the body the officer quickly used his radio and requested an ambulance then said to the other officer "Hey Stewart give me a hand over here, this girl ain't dead."

"Are you sure we should do that? I was taught in the academy not to move an injured victim."

"So was I but I'm sure as hell not going to leave her in the trash. Now get over here and bring a couple blankets from the car on your way."

It wasn't long before the two police officers had the girl out of the dumpster and laid on one of the blankets with the other one covering her. As they finished making her as comfortable as they could Stewart said to the other officer "Hey Dennison is this the person I think it is?"

"Yeah I recognized her as soon as I saw her. Now get started securing the area while I contact the station and let them know we found the McGuire girl."


	19. Alive

At Gordo's house

That morning when Gordo woke up he was surprised that he had fallen to sleep. He had tossed and turned for what had seemed like hours the previous night, which had been the worst night of his life, sure in his belief that sleep was impossible. How could he sleep when his best friend had been missing for six days and there was evidence showing that she'd been forcibly abducted. Now only God knew what was happening to Lizzie or if she was even still alive. Then at lunch time his other best friend had leaped out a third story window at school in an attempt to kill herself. Now she was lying comatose in critical condition at the hospital with the doctors uncertain as to whether she'd live or die. The worst part was that up until Miranda's suicide attempt he'd been certain that Lizzie was the only girl for him. Now all of a sudden he realized that he loved Miranda just as much as he did Lizzie. He had been so worried about Lizzie he hadn't even noticed anything wrong with Miranda until it was too late. Now that he looked back on things it was quite clear to him that something had been bothering Miranda and he should have noticed it. As a result of that failure he was torturing himself with a measure of self imposed guilt just like he'd been doing over Lizzie's situation. Although to him it had seemed like he had tossed and turned for hours in reality he had fallen to sleep from exhaustion mere minutes after laying down on the bed.

The next thing he knew his alarm clock blaring out a Robert Johnson tune which he didn't recognize. As he got dressed he wondered if he would ever get a chance to tell Miranda how much he loved her. After he finished dressing out of habit Gordo picked up the phone and started to dial Lizzie's number then stopped when he realized what he was doing. Then the fact that he might never speak to either Lizzie or Miranda ever again hit him like a freight train; making him involuntarily drop back onto his bed as he stared at the phone in his hand. For a moment he felt like smashing the phone into the wall as hard as he could but as quickly as that desire came it left him.

Gordo went downstairs to the kitchen to get some breakfast even though he didn't really feel like eating. Soon enough he found himself just playing with the eggs and hash browns that were on his plate. As they ate no one said a word to anyone else except to ask for something to be passed to them. The silence was an uncomfortable one that filled with dread and foreboding of doom. Everyone jumped when the phone range breaking the uneasy silence.

Mrs. Gordon quickly got up and answered the phone since she was the closest one to it. "Hello, this is the Gordon residence." Gordo groaned inwardly at his mother's habitual formality.

"That's great." Gordo's heart leaped when he heard his mother say that hoping that it would mean that there was some good news.

After that all his mother said was either "Uh huh" or "I see". Then finally she said "I understand. We'll be there as soon as we can." Then she hung up the phone. "That was Sam McGuire. He said that the police found Lizzie a few hours ago and have taken her to the hospital where they are performing emergency surgery on her."

Meanwhile at Kate's house

When Kate's alarm clock went off she looked at it with a look of pure hatred in her bleary red eyes. She had tossed and turned for most of the night unable to sleep because each time she could see and hear Miranda's leap from the third story window. She had been looking for Miranda to have a few words with her about the rumors she heard earlier about Lizzie being a total slut and a porn star. For some unknown reason she had looked up just in time to see Miranda leap out the window. She had watched in horror as Miranda plummeted, hitting the ground with a dull thud and the sickening sound of bones breaking. Now each time she tried to go to sleep she saw that happening over and over. When she finally did go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning her dreams were filled with the same thing but sometimes the broken body she saw on the ground was Lizzie's instead of Miranda's. Kate had considered just going back to sleep except that she figured that she'd just have more nightmares so she got up with a groan and began to get dressed.

When she got downstairs Kate poured herself a cup of coffee and grabbed a bagel for breakfast. After the first bite, which tasted like dirt to her, she put it down and just slowly drank her coffee as she listened to her parents discussing their plans for the holidays. This went on for at least 15 minutes before the phone rang. Before Kate could get out of her chair her mother had answered the phone. It was Mrs. McGuire with the news that Lizzie had been found and that she was currently at the hospital being operated on.

Later that day

Lizzie's mind felt slow and sluggish as she started to come to. First she had no recollection of where she was or what was happening. It felt as if she was wading chin deep in molasses through a dark and seemingly endless tunnel. As she struggled to remember was going on things started to come to her. First she remembered getting on the city bus then she remembered why she had got on the bus. Next she remembered being in a room with a bunch of naked men who were violating her in every way possible. Then suddenly she remembered being pulled naked out of the trunk of a car somewhere feeling cold and terrified. Someone out of sight in the car said "Dispose of the bitch and let's get going, we've got a lot of work to do before I leave for home." Suddenly everything came back to Lizzie and she knew that she had been stabbed several times then thrown in a dumpster and left to die. Lizzie opened her eyes and gasped as she tried to sit up.

"It's ok baby you're safe now" her mother said to her. "You're safe just lie back and don't try to get up. You're safe and you're gonna be okay." As her mother kept repeating that Lizzie relaxed and laid back reassured by her mother's comforting voice. It was too difficult to sit up right now and besides it had hurt like hell when she had moved just then. As Lizzie drifted back to sleep she thought that she saw her father's face on the other side of her bed.

A couple days later

When she woke up again Lizzie's mind was clearer and she had hazy memories of waking up briefly a number of times before this but this time thing seemed a lot clearer and she hurt all over. She hurt so much that she didn't want to move any part of herself not even her eyelids. So she kept her eyes closed and listened to her parents and some one else talking.

"... able to go home?" she heard her father say.

"It's tough to say exactly but it will be at least several more days. She's had quite a traumatic experience and the physical trauma alone will take quite a while to fully heal." a man's voice said which Lizzie assumed was a doctor. As she lay there listening the pain from her wounds made her groan involuntarily. All conversation stopped and she figured that everyone was now looking at her so she decided to open her eyes.

When she opened her eyes the first thing she saw were the faces of her parents on either side of her looking very anxiously at her. She could see the concern and love for her in their faces as they leaned close for a better look at her. As this was happening Lizzie became aware of the numerous wires and hoses attached to her which frightened her even more than she already was. They spent the next couple minutes reassuring her that she was safe and that she was going to be fine. Lizzie didn't even try to tell them that she'd already figured those things out because she liked hearing them say it. After they had reassured her the doctor moved closer to examine her and he did she flinched moving closer to her mother with her eyes widening in fear.

"It's ok Lizzie this is Dr. Thomas, he's the doctor that saved your life. He's not going to hurt you, he just wants to examine you to see how you're doing." her mother said in a soothing tone.

"I'm sorry, I ..." Lizzie started to say when Dr. Thomas interrupted saying "No need for you to apologize, not after what you've been through. Your reaction is perfectly natural and expected. If you weren't at least a little scared I'd be worried but you are reacting normally which is a good sign. I'm sure that you're beginning to feel some pain from your wounds. Now I need to take a quick look at you before we can give you more medication, okay."

Lizzie looked at her mother then nodded her head in agreement. Lizzie tried her best to relax and not flinch she still did throughout the the quick but thorough examination. Soon enough Dr. Thomas finished and made some notes on her chart. "You're doing quite well young lady, so well in fact that you can now have a visitors."

For the next hour she had in addition to her family visits from both Kate and Gordo. While their visits helped make her feel a little more comfortable Lizzie was very disappointed that Miranda hadn't come to visit her because even though Miranda had betrayed her trust Lizzie still wanted to see her. She wanted to tell Miranda that she didn't hate her and that they were still best friends.

Over the next few days Lizzie had visits from a number of her friends including Kate, Gordo, Ethan and Larry but not Miranda. A part of her was still mad at Miranda for what she had done but another part of Lizzie missed her and needed Miranda's help to get through this. On the day that the doctor said she could go home Gordo and Kate were visiting while her parents were taking care of all the paperwork for her release. As Lizzie sat in the wheel chair while waiting for her parents to come get her she said "Okay you guys, tell me why Miranda hasn't come to visit me?" As soon as she had said that both Kate and Gordo fell silent and looked at each other nervously. Lizzie knew that if Kate had given her word not to say anything about it nothing would get her to talk but Lizzie also knew that while Gordo could keep a secret she could always worm it out of him eventually. "I know that at least you Gordo have to know why?" The part of Lizzie that was mad at Miranda was hoping to hear that Miranda was feeling guilty about what she did and was too ashamed to face her just yet. The other part was hurt because Miranda hadn't come to visit and wanted to know why.

Gordo felt uncomfortable like he always did when trying to keep something from either Lizzie or Miranda. "No, Miranda hasn't told me why yet." Even though what he said was technically true but Gordo did know why Miranda hadn't visited so he was lying which made him a little uncomfortable.

He also knew that eventually she'd find out but he had hoped that he wouldn't be the one to tell her. But seeing his best friend like this was more than he could bear so he decided to go ahead and tell her. "Lizzie there's no easy way to say this so I'll just come out and say it." When Lizzie heard Gordo say those words she felt a dreadful emptiness form in the pit of he stomach which grew worse as he spoke. "The day before the police found you Miranda tried to commit suicide by jumping out the window of one of the classrooms on the third floor."


	20. Lizzie goes home

Lizzie didn't want to believe what she had just heard but deep down inside herself she knew that what Gordo had just told her was true. She didn't have to be told why Miranda had tried to commit suicide because she knew it was because of her. Lizzie knew before she told Miranda about what she had done with John and his friends that Miranda couldn't keep a secret. Lizzie knew that her best friend loved to gossip. Lizzie knew that it was because Miranda knew that her best friend had overheard her betraying the trust she'd shown her. Any feelings of anger towards Miranda that Lizzie had felt just moments before had completely disappeared. Then it registered in her mind that Gordo said that she 'tried to commit suicide' which meant that Miranda was still alive.

"How is she? Will she be okay? How bad is she hurt? What's wrong with her?" Lizzie asked is rapid succession with hardly a breath between words. "Can I see go her now?" The pleading look in her eyes was virtually impossible to resist. Both Gordo and Kate looked at her in silence unsure of how to respond to her questions. After several seconds of silence Lizzie's parents returned to the room with a nurse close behind.

When she saw the troubled look on Lizzie's face Mrs. McGuire said "What's the matter Lizzie?"

"Gordo told me about Miranda." Lizzie paused to wipe a tear from her eye before continuing. "Please take me to see her? Please can I go see her, mom?"

Mrs McGuire had hoped that it would be a little longer before Lizzie had found out about Miranda's suicide attempt. She knew that her daughter would be hurt by the news and after all that Lizzie had already suffered so much already and this would make it that much harder on her. Mrs. McGuire sighed before answering "I ... we ... I mean your father and I had hoped that you wouldn't find out so soon but I don't see any reason why not."

As they made their way to the room Miranda was in Lizzie's parents explained the situation to her. They told her that Miranda had broken four ribs, an arm, a collar bone and dislocated a shoulder as well as fracturing three vertebrae and her skull in the fall. She had also punctured a lung and had suffered some internal bleeding both of which were under control. They also explained that Miranda was in a coma and there was nothing the doctors could do about that except wait and see if she comes out of it or not.

When they arrived at the room Mr. McGuire, Kate and Gordo decided to wait in the hall while Lizzie and her mom went in. As soon as they entered the room Lizzie saw Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez seated at Miranda's bedside. It was several seconds before they noticed her. "Lizzie" exclaimed Mrs. Sanchez with a warm smile. "I'm so glad to see that you're doing better." said Mrs. Sanchez as she went over to give her a hug.

Mr. Sanchez echoed his wife's sentiments but Lizzie wondered if he truly meant what he said because it didn't really sound like it. She hope it was because that he was just preoccupied with Miranda's condition and not that he blamed her for it. After they had all finished greeting one another he said something about getting some coffee then left the room.

Lizzie really looked at Miranda for the first time since she entered the room and what she had been told on the way hardly prepared her for the reality of what she saw. Her best friend looked like she had been hit by a bus, which was a fair approximation of what had happened. The worst part of it all was the Miranda's death like stillness with which she lay on the bed. If hadn't been for the monitors attached to her Lizzie could have sworn that her friend was dead.. As she looked at her best friend Lizzie blamed herself for what had happened because she knew that Miranda loved to gossip and couldn't keep a secret before she decided to tell Miranda about it. She had known that that Miranda would probably tell at least a few people about what had happened to her; but Lizzie had also hoped that Miranda would realize how badly it would hurt her and control the urge to gossip about her dark secret.

After helping Lizzie get seated next to Miranda both women had withdrawn to the chairs near the door giving her a small measure of privacy. Lizzie took the hand of Miranda's unbroken arm then said "I'm so sorry Miranda. I never wanted this to happen to you. If I hadn't told you about what had happened to me this would have never happened to you." Tears started to well up in her eyes as she spoke. "I knew that you couldn't keep a secret when I told you but I had hoped that you would keep this one. I had figured that even if you did tell people about that I'd be the only one to get hurt. I never imagined that you might get hurt. It's all my fault and I hope that can forgive me." As she spoke she began to choke up so she paused just long enough clear her throat and dry her eyes before continuing. "Please don't die Miranda, you're my best friend ever and I need you. I need your help and I want to help you as well. Please don't die cause I don't know what I'd do with out you."

While she talked a small part of her had hoped that Miranda would wake up and everything would be alright. Lizzie also knew from experience that life wasn't fair and was often cruel because Miranda so did not deserve to be lying there broken in body and spirit. Not for the first time Lizzie wondered if it would have been better if John had been right about her being killed if her parents or the police found out about her doing all those nasty, dirty things with him. Sometimes she thought that life would be so much easier for everybody if she were dead. All too soon Lizzie's mother told her that it was time for her to go. Before leaving Lizzie said to Miranda "I promise that I'll come and visit every day."

After they got home and had made Lizzie comfortable on the couch Mr. McGuire watched his daughter feeling completely overwhelmed by what had happened to Lizzie. It had been bad enough to find out that his baby girl had sexually abused for almost two years and had kept it a complete secret for another two years out fear for her life. It was something he had absolutely no idea of how deal with because up until then child molestation was something he only heard about on the news. The fact that the people who had done that to Lizzie had taken photographs and videos of it to sell made it that much harder for him. Then a little more than a week later Lizzie had been abducted and was gone for six days, which were the worst six days of his life. On the sixth day Miranda, who was almost like a second daughter to him, tried to kill herself because she blamed herself for Lizzie's disappearance. On the next day, just one day before her 15th birthday, he got a call from the police that they had found Lizzie. They also told him that his daughter had been stabbed a number of times then left cold and naked in a dumpster to die. Then three days ago both he had been informed that the results of the SART exam done on Lizzie. The evidence collected from the exam indicated that she'd been gang raped by at least six men, probably more, within the previous 24 hours.

For the thousandth time since this nightmare began Mr. McGuire thought about how good it would feel to get a gun and blow away the fucking perverts who had raped his daughter. He was also glad for the thousandth time that he didn't own any guns because the temptation to use them would just be too much for him. With that thought he went to go fix himself a drink. Mrs. McGuire on the other hand was just thinking about how wonderful it was to have Lizzie back home. Over and over in her mind the words 'Thank God my baby's safe' echoed in her mind.

"Mom," said Lizzie interrupting her mothers train of thought, "you can tell me the truth, Miranda's going to die isn't she?"

After the initial surprise of Lizzie's question passed both her mother answered "Lizzie honey, it's like we told you earlier, we really don't know what will happen, nobody does not even the doctors. All we can do is wait and see how it goes." Mrs. McGuire watched Lizzie's reaction and she could tell that wasn't all that was bothering her. "What else is bothering you? You can talk to your father and me about anything at all."

"Miranda shouldn't be lying in a coma at the hospital and it's all my fault. It's my fault that she tried to kill herself."

Mrs. McGuire sat down next to Lizzie and put an arm around her shoulders as she asked "Why do you think it's your fault?"

"It's my fault because I told Miranda about what what I did with John and his friends." Lizzie blurted out. "I felt really bad about keeping it a secret from everybody for so long and wanted so badly to tell Miranda about it for like forever but I was afraid to. Then after the police found out and told you and dad I figured that it would be ok to at least tell my best friends about it. The thing is that I also knew that Miranda can't keep a secret, I knew that before I decided to tell her. I just figured that if she told anybody about it that I'd be the only one to get hurt but I had hoped that she wouldn't. I never imagined that Miranda would do something like this. It's not fair. Miranda doesn't deserve to be lying all broken up in the hospital just because it made me feel better to share my secret with my best friend. It's so not fair."

"You're right it's not fair, none of this is fair to any of us. None of us deserved to have this happen to us, especially not you." Mrs. McGuire pulled Lizzie a little closer as she spoke "If you want blame someone blame the person whose fault it really is, John Larson, his friends and the people who kidnapped you. It's all their fault."

"I guess you're right but sometimes I think that maybe it might have been better if the police had killed me when they first found out. Then none of this would have happened and Miranda would be okay right now."


	21. Lizzie, Gordo and Kate

"Elizabeth Brooke McGuire," Mrs. McGuire exclaimed sharply then immediately reprimanded her sternly by saying "I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that again." As soon as she said that Mrs. McGuire regretted snapping at Lizzie like that.

"But it's true" Lizzie responded hotly with out thinking about it first. "If I'd been killed when you guys first found out about my having sex with John and his friends none of this other stuff would've happened. I wouldn't have been kidnapped, raped by all those men and Miranda wouldn't have tried to kill herself." While Lizzie's first reaction was a defensive one purely out of habit before she could respond any further she noticed that for some reason unknown to her, her mother's outburst had made her feel better. Enough better for her to relax more than she had since the day her parents found out about her dark secret. Ever since they had found out her parents, especially her dad, had been treating her differently. They had been extra nice and not reprimanding her like they normally did. At first it was nice but soon enough the difference in the way she was being treated took it's toll by making her feel uneasy without her knowing why. Her mother's response erased that feeling making it possible for her to relax more than she had in a long time. Lizzie hugged her mother and said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Lizzie looked at her mother with a sad and penitent expression and after several moments of silence and said "I'm so sorry for everything mom. Can you forgive me?"

Mrs. McGuire returned the hug as she replied saying "Of course I forgive you honey." They sat on the couch like that for several minutes in a comfortable silence . Eventually Mrs. McGuire broke the silence by asking "Lizzie would you like me to bring you anything to eat or drink?" Lizzie just nodded her head yes. "What would you like to have?"

Lizzie thought about what she wanted for a few seconds before saying "I'd like some blueberry waffles and hot cocoa." A moment later she added "With lots of butter and syrup on the waffles and whipped cream in the cocoa please." Almost as soon as her mother left the room the memory of he ordeal began to creep slowly into conscious thoughts threatening to dispel the small measure of peace and comfort that she had just found. In an effort to prevent that Lizzie picked up the TV remote and turned it on. She flipped through the channels she came across a channel that had Clover and Daisy's Magic Train just starting on it. Normally she only watched it in the privacy of her room but right now she didn't care if anyone caught her watching it. She put the remote down and curled up on the sofa to watch the show. By the time her mother returned with the waffles and cocoa Lizzie was sound asleep. Mrs. McGuire smiled at the sight of her daughter sleeping peacefully. She set the snack down on the coffee table then covered Lizzie with the afghan she kept draped on the back of the sofa.

Earlier while Lizzie had been visiting with Miranda, Kate announced "I think go home now. I'll call later if that's okay Mr. McGuire."

"That's fine with me. I'm sure Lizzie will appreciate it" Mr. McGuire replied.

Kate motioned to Gordo to follow her then said "Gordo I talk to you alone about something."

Gordo tried to wave her off but Kate insisted "Gordo it's important."

Gordo was normally not inclined to listen to Kate but since Lizzie obviously trusted her he decided that to humor her and listen to what she had to say. When they had gone down the hall far enough to be out of earshot of Mr. McGuire and Mr. Sanchez Gordo said impatiently "Ok Kate what is it that you wanted to talk with me about?"

"Gordo I know you don't like me but for Lizzie and Miranda's sakes please listen to what I'm going to say. What are you going to do the rest of the afternoon, are you going to stay and visit with Miranda until your dad comes and picks you up? Or are you planning to go home with Lizzie and help her get settled in at home? " As Gordo started to reply Kate cut him off before he could get started. "Don't bother answering because both of those answers are the wrong. What you should be doing is asking me to give you a ride home."

"Why?" Gordo was completely confused by what Kate said. "Why are those answers wrong and why should I ask you for a ride home?"

"I knew all that has happened in the last few weeks hit you pretty hard but I didn't think it would make you stupid" Kate said in the demeaning tone she had used so often in the past few years and regretted it when she saw the hurt look on his face. "I'm sorry Gordo I shouldn't have said that, at least not like that." Kate waited a couple of seconds to give him a chance to say something but when he didn't she continued. "Look Miranda's mom and dad want... no they need time alone with her but you're always there. Lizzie and her mom and dad need the same thing."

"Are you sure, cause they never said anything to me."

"I'm sure about it Gordo. They didn't say anything to you because they like you and they don't want to hurt your feelings." Kate watched as Gordo thought about what she had just told him. While watching she could see that he was finally putting all the little clues together that confirmed what she had just said.

"I guess you're right. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner?" Admitting that Kate was right about something he should have figured out a long time ago really bugged him but there was nothing he could do about it now. "Do I have to ask?"

Kate couldn't resist giving him a mischievous little grin before saying "Of course I'll give you a ride home."

As they made their way through the hospital parking lot to Kate's car Gordo asked "Kate why are you doing all this? All through junior high you acted like you hated us, now you go and do stuff like this. What gives Kate?"

They walked in silence the remaining distance to her car as Kate thought of how she would answer Gordo's question. When they reached the car Kate said "You may not believe this but I never hated you guys."

Gordo was flabbergasted at Kate's answer. After a seconds hesitation Gordo manage to respond "Wha... N o way, that's awful hard to believe. Ever since you became popular you were the queen of mean, especially to Lizzie" Gordo opened the passenger door then added "Why?"

Instead of answering right away Kate got in the drivers seat and started the car "That's a long story so why don't you get in and well go someplace we can talk. How about the Digital Bean?"

Gordo got in the car and said "Ok, lets go."

A while later they were seated at a table in the Digital Bean with their drinks almost finished. Gordo summarized Kate's long winded story by saying "So the reason why you treated Lizzie, Miranda, me and practically everyone else at school like crap was because you were were trying to get the cool people to like you." The scorn in his voice made Kate wince. "That has got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of." he said shaking his head.

After hearing herself actually say it Kate had to admit to herself that excuse did sound a whole lot dumber than it did when she thought it up. She consoled herself with the thought that there was one good thing about that lame excuse and that was if Gordo kept after her about it he would be much more likely to believe the truth if and when she told him.

"Come on Kate do you really expect me to believe that half baked excuse. You can tell me the real reason."

When Gordo spoke he had no expectations that Kate would tell him anything else about it so he was very surprised when Kate said "Ok you want to know the real reason." Even though it was a statement and not a question Gordo nodded his head yes. "The real reason I treated Lizzie and you guys like that was because I was jealous."

Gordo was completely dumbfounded. He just sat there with a stunned look on his face unable to say anything in response. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah you heard me right, I said I was jealous of you guys, especially of Lizzie." Kate drank the last of her cappuccino. "Think about that while I get another cappuccino."

When Kate got back with her drink Gordo said "Why would you be jealous of Lizzie, Miranda and me?"

"Well it mostly because of the way people like Lizzie and how easily she makes friends. Even though Miranda's not as good as making new friends as Lizzie is she's better at it than I am." Kate stopped and took along slow drink from her cup.

"That covers Lizzie and Miranda but what is it about me that you're jealous of?"

"That is so like you Gordo, you don't even realize that you could be one of the most popular boys in the school and you don't even care." Kate paused a moment to watch his reaction then said in response to his look of disbelief. "It's true. Look in some ways you're a lot like Ethan Craft. A lot of people like you, you're smart and you don't care what people think about you just like Ethan."

"No that can't be true," Gordo protested. "Granted a lot of people liked Ethan and he doesn't care what they think about him but I can't agree that he's smart."

"Yes he is smart, he's just not smart in the same way you are. Look Gordo you're good in math, English, science and history but how are you in shop, P.E. and social studies."

"Look I get straight A's in all those classes except shop and P.E. while Ethan doesn't even come close to getting straight A's" Gordo retorted hotly.

"Sure you do because you work hard at it even if you don't like the subject but you have to admit that even though he really struggles with math, English, science and history Ethan manges to get passing grades in them doesn't he. Plus he excels at shop, social studies and P.E."

After a few moments Gordo clarified his statement "Ok he gets A's in shop, P.E. and social studies but he only gets passing grades in the other subjects because he gets help in them."

"My point exactly. He's smart enough to recognize his weak points and asks for help. On the other hand you don't so who's smarter; the guy who admits he needs help and asks for it or the guy who won't admit that he needs help."

Gordo sat there not saying anything because he didn't want to admit that Kate was right. After a minute Kate said "Gordo for what it's worth I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but what I said is true, you and Ethan are more alike than you'd like to admit. I'm gonna go now do you want me to give you a ride the rest of the way home?"

Gordo shook his head no as he said "Nah but thanks for offering." Gordo sat there a good long while after Kate left thinking about all that she said.

Meanwhile at Lizzie's house Lizzie woke up surprised at the fact that she'd fallen asleep so quickly. The waffles and cocoa were cold so she picked them up and headed for the kitchen to warm them up in the microwave. As she approached the entrance she could hear her parents voices.

"Damn it Jo I feel like I failed her completely. I'm supposed to protect her from shit like this and look how that turned out."

"I know Sam, I feel the same way but there's nothing we can do about that now. I do know that if we don't do everything that we possibly can to help her get through this we will have failed Lizzie completely."

"Don't you think I don't know that already Jo. There isn't a damn thing that I wouldn't do to help her but I don't know the first fucking thing to do in this kind of situation." As he spoke Mr. McGuire's voice got louder. Lizzie was stunned at hearing her father using profanity because shehad never heard him use it before.

"Sam keep your voice down or you'll wake Lizzie."

"Don't worry about waking me up," Lizzie said as she stood in the entry way from the living room. "I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused." Lizzie set the dishes down on the nearest then ran out heading to the stairs as quickly as she could. She ran up to her room as fast as she could thrown herself on the bed when she got there. As she cried into her pillow she was certain that now that her secret was out it was wrecking her family.


	22. Lizzie Freaks Out

Lizzie laid on her bed hysterically crying her eyes out hating her life wishing that she could go back in time and change things. She hated herself for her curiosity about boys and the things it lead her to do. She hated herself for not doing something to put an end to it sooner. She hated herself for believing what she had been told would happen to her if she told anyone about her secret. She hated herself for being afraid and continuing to do all those nasty things. Most of all she hated herself for being the reason her best friend had tried to commit suicide.

It wasn't long before she heard her parents come into her room as she knew they would. Lizzie wondered how they could still love her knowing about all the nasty things she had done. How could they love someone as dirty and worthless as she felt herself to be. She listened numbly as they tried to soothe her and make her feel better. Eventually they managed to calm her down

Over the next few days Lizzie had a number of similar outbursts. At night she also had terrifying nightmares that did not allow her to get a full nights sleep which was obviously slowing her rate of recovery. One thing that Lizzie did insist upon doing was going to visit Miranda in the hospital just as she had promised. At first her parents weren't sure about letting her do that but the daily visits seemed to be helping Lizzie handle her situation better. They also realized that if Miranda took a turn for the worse and died it would be a terrible blow to Lizzie.

Four days later about an hour after returning from Lizzie's daily visit with Miranda the phone rang and Mrs. McGuire answered it. Lizzie paid little attention to it as she sat at the table eating her lunch thinking about Miranda and wondering if her friend would ever wake up from the coma. Lizzie dreaded the possibility that she might never get to hear Miranda's voice again.

"Lizzie," Mrs McGuire said after hanging up. "That was Mrs. Sanchez on the phone."

Lizzie prepared herself for the worst trying to ignore the cold sickly feeling of dread that came over her at those words.

"They just finished talking to the doctor and he told them that Miranda is showing definite signs of improvement and that she could come out of the coma any time soon."

Lizzie felt like a huge weight had lifted from her and the sun had begun to shine again. She was very tempted to leap for joy at the news. There was a tone of genuine happiness in her voice as she asked "Can we go see her after I finish my lunch?"

"No honey we can't because we have an appointment for you with the therapist that the Gordon's recommended but before that we need to clean your wounds and put fresh bandages on them." Mrs. McGuire could see Lizzie's obvious disappointment when she said that. She sympathized with Lizzie on that because she wouldn't like having to have someone help clean and dress wounds on her body either. As usual Lizzie did as much as she could herself but it was impossible for her to do all of it properly with out help. This involved first washing herself with a very mild cleanser then rinsing off with warm water while seated on a bath seat in the bath tub. After she finished washing her front Mrs. McGuire washed her because the first time Lizzie bathed she had insisted doing it herself, but the attempt inflicted enough pain to convince her that she couldn't do it herself. "I'm sorry I know you don't like it but if we don't keep them clean they'll get infected and make things worse."

After Lizzie had dried off and she was dressing Lizzie's wounds Mrs. McGuire was once again shaken to the very core of her being at the savagery of the attack that Lizzie had gone through and survived. Each time she cleaned and dressed her daughter's wounds she marveled at how strong Lizzie must be to have lived through it. At the same time Lizzie was thinking about how weak and undeserving of her mother's love and devotion she was. Lizzie did her best not to squirm and cry out in pain as her mother cleaned the wounds, which were still sensitive to the touch, but she was not completely successful. Sometimes she would gasp and flinch a little despite her best efforts but each day it got easier to bear just like the nurses at the hospital said it would. At first Lizzie had thought that would make the process easier but much to her dismay it didn't, it made it worse.

Now that she wasn't being distracted by pain as her wounds were being cleaned she started to remember the attack that made those wounds. As her mother cleaned and dressed the lacerations on her back she remembered the pain as she was literally thrown into the trunk of a big white limousine onto something hard and cold like metal. Lizzie remembered how terrifying the ride in the dark smelly trunk was as they drove around. She could almost feel being dragged out of the trunk and being held up by a man on each arm. She heard a gain the coming from inside the limo say in a voice she would never forget "Hurry up and dispose of the bitch so we can get going. We've got a lot of work to do before we leave for home." Lizzie saw the intense hatred in the eyes of the young good looking man with a swarthy complexion pulled out a big knife and held it before her eyes. The next thing she knew Lizzie world was filled with searing white hot pain from the knife as it pierced her flesh over and over then mercifully everything went black.

The next thing Lizzie was aware of was her mothers voice frantically saying her name and asking if she was okay. Then she remembered what had just happened. Then she weakly tried to convince her mother that she was ok. About 15 minutes later Lizzie had calmed down enough so that she stopped shaking and sat up on the edge of her bed while pulling the robe she had on a little tighter around her. It wasn't until then that she noticed that she was now in her bedroom wearing her favorite bathrobe and fuzzy pink bunny slippers. As she wondered how she got there when the last place she remembered being was in the bathroom. After a moments thought Lizzie realized that her mother must have helped her back to her room. She noticed a half empty glass of orange juice next o a banana peel on her night stand. She didn't remember eating the banana or drinking the juice but she must have. Lizzie finished off the orange juice before saying "I guess you're wondering what happened to me?"

"Yes I am," her mother replied.

"While you were taking care of my cuts I started to remember the attack. It seemed so real that I could actually see and feel it all just like it did before," Lizzie paused for a second then said in an uncertain tone, "Was that a flashback?"

"Yes it is Lizzie, that's exactly what a flashback is" Mrs. McGuire answered. As she replied to Lizzie's question in the calmest and most soothing tone she could manage while her mind reeled at the thought of her beloved daughter reliving that horrendous attempt on her life.

"I had no idea they were like that. It was so intense and it seemed so real not fake like it seems in the movies and on TV."

"I know honey." Then Mrs McGuire, in an effort to change the subject, said "Well we better hurry up and finish getting ready for your appointment."

In spite of the delay caused by Lizzie's flashback they managed to arrive almost 15 minutes early. Mrs. McGuire used that time to fill out several forms. A few minutes later a young woman lead them from the waiting room to a room that looked like a combination of an office and a den. The room was large enough to comfortably accommodate five or six people and two of the walls were lined with bookshelves full of books. The third wall was adorned with several beautiful paintings and a large plate glass window which had a nice view of the flower garden planted between the neighboring buildings. Seated behind the desk was a man who looked vaguely familiar to Lizzie even though she was sure that she had never met him before. In one of the two stuffed chairs was a woman with red hair, green eyes and a very fair complexion. "Hello I'm Dr. Foster, this is my partner Dr. Wilkerling and you must be the McGuiure's." The woman said as both got up to greet them. As they shook hands with her parents Lizzie hesitated as she entered the room. She was relived when neither Dr. Wilkerling nor Dr. Foster moved to shake hands with her. Instead the woman motioned to various comfortable looking chairs and sofa as she said "Please have a seat and make yourselves comfortable."

Mrs. McGuire and Lizzie sat on the sofa while the two doctors seated them selves in the chairs. Lizzie hoped that no one else had noticed her hesitation on entering the room or the relief she had felt when no tried to shake hands with her. Unknown to her all the adults noticed her actions, which were obviously born out of fear, but they also knew that mentioning it to her would just it worse for her. As Lizzie looked at the therapist seated in the chair tried to sort out her mixed feelings. For some reason unknown to her she had taken an instant dislike to Dr. Foster and had no desire what so ever to be alone with him. On the other hand Dr. Wilkerling seemed to be OK, maybe even some one she'd like once she got to know her.

While Lizzie was musing over her feelings Mrs. McGuire spoke up and said "When I made the appointment the other day I had expected to met with only one of you not both."

Dr. Foster quickly answered Mrs. McGuire's implied question in a surprisingly deep yet comforting voice "Normally you would only meet with one of us but after our receptionist told us you had said that both the Gordon's and Dr. Owens had referred us to you we contacted them. Dr. Owens was kind enough to send us a brief summary of your situation and after reviewing it we decided that it would be best this way."

"That sounds good." Mrs. McGuire said simultaneously.

Next Dr. Foster got up and held out a clip board to Lizzie and said "First we'd like to have you fill out this questionnaire while we speak with your parents privately. You can use Dr. Wilkerling's office across the hall," Dr. Foster couldn't help but notice Lizzie's eyes widen in fear as he spoke and handed her the clipboard. "Don't worry there are no right or wrong answers and you don't have to answer any of them you don't feel comfortable answering, but please answer as many of them that you can."

Lizzie swallowed the lump that had risen in her before taking the clipboard. "O .. ok." She stood up then looked nervously at her parents.

"It's ok Lizzie I'll be right here if you need us." Mrs. McGuire reassured her.

As Dr. Foster showed her into the office across the hall he said "You'll have about 15 minutes to fill out the questionnaire before getting started on your first session."

Lizzie sat down on the one of the chairs in the room instead of the couch. She got started on the questionnaire which she found was comprised of mostly multiple choice and true/false questions with only a couple essay questions. Except for the questions about drugs, sex and a few other personal questions it was just like some of of the tests she had in school. Lizzie felt very uncomfortable about answering the sex questions until she remembered that she didn't have to answer them so she skipped them not realizing that even skipping them gave just as much information about her as answering them would.

Lizzie finished the questionnaire with a little less than five minutes to spare. At first she got up and looked around the room but other than the chairs desk and couch there was a small table and a few pictures on the wall there wasn't much to look at so she sat back down to wait. While waiting she grew more and more anxious about her session hoping that the Dr. wouldn't think that she was a worthless slut while that they would.

While Lizzie was working on her questionnaire Dr. Wilkerling was explaining what they had in mind for treating Lizzie. Mrs. McGuire had many questions to ask her, too many for her to answer in the 15 minutes before she needed to start her first session with Lizzie. That was ok because Dr. Foster would take over and answer the questions just as well as she could. She gathered up a note pad, manila folder and pen then rose from her seat as excusing herself before leaving the office. She paused for a seconds steady her nerves before entering the room. Even after 10 years as a therapist she still got nervous when starting to work with a new client. When she entered her office she couldn't help but notice Lizzie's obvious anxiety. After she had seated herself at the desk Dr. Wilkerling decided on the best way to help make Lizzie feel more comfortable was to make it appear that she had a small measure of control of the session. So Dr. Wilkerling made an obvious show of reading Lizzie's name from the file even though she already knew it before she said "Hello Elizabeth I'm Dr. Andrea Wilkerling. You can call me Dr. Wilkerling or Andie if you like." she paused to give Lizzie a chance to respond if she wanted to. When it was obvious Lizzie wasn't going to respond she continued. "I heard your mother call you Lizzie in Dr. Foster's office, which would you prefer me to use?"

Dr. Wilkerling's question surprised Lizzie but it also made her feel a little better about the situation. "Um Lizzie please, that's what everyone called me for as long as I can remember" she replied while thinking that maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she thought it would be.

"Ok, Lizzie it is. First I want to tell you that I like to use the first session I have with a new client to get to know each other. I'll answer as many of your questions that I can while you answer as many of my questions that you're comfortable answering, ok." Lizzie responded by nodding her head in agreement. "Good. If you're done with the questionnaire we can start with that.

An hour later as Lizzie and her mom were leaving the clinic Mrs. McGuire asked "So how did it go?"

"It was ok." Lizzie gave her answer a moments thought before adding "Actually it went pretty good. I think I like Dr. Wilkerling, she seems to be a nice lady."


	23. Miranda Wakes Up

Chapter 21 - Miranda awakes

A couple days later at the hospital Daniella Sanchez had just arrived after spending the last few hours with her youngest daughter Stevie. While both Daniella and Eduardo wanted to be with Miranda all the time they also wanted to be with Stevie as well. Just as she done every other time she visited her daughter Daniella knelt by Miranda's bedside and prayed. She poured her heart out to God and asking for Him to heal Miranda and keep her safe.

While Mrs. Sanchez was praying Miranda could hear her. At first she couldn't make out the words but she could tell that her mother was worried and very sad about something. Miranda felt that she had to say something to comfort her mother and as she struggled to speak her mother's words became clearer. At first what was being said didn't make sense but soon enough she realized that her mother was praying for her. When she realized that Miranda doubled her efforts to say something. Finally as her mother closed the prayer Miranda found the strength to say "Amen" and then open her eyes. The first thing she saw was a brightly lit white ceiling that most definitely was not part of her bedroom and all kinds of scary looking equipment. The next thing she noticed was the cast on her left arm and shoulder along with a multitude of wires and tubes attached to her. When she tried to look around more she found that she couldn't move her head very much, but she could move it enough to see her mother kneeling by her bed looking at her with a look of surprise which quickly change to one of pure joy.

At first Miranda couldn't remember what had happened to her but it was pretty obvious that she'd been in some kind of accident. "Mom what happened to me?" Immediately after she asked that question Miranda added, "How long have I been like this?"

Her mother answered the last question first "You've been here for a little over two weeks now." Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez had discussed this situation thoroughly with all the doctors and everyone agreed that it would be better for Miranda to remember it for herself than have some one tell her so she answered the first question by saying "What's the last thing you remember baby?"

At first she nothing came to her then slowly Miranda's memory of recent events began to come back to her. First she remembered she remembered going over Lizzie's plans for her 15th birthday party. Next Miranda recalled how good it made her feel when Lizzie had included her among those few people she told what John and his friends had done to her. The fact that her best friend had entrusted her with a secret like that in spite of her bad habit of not keeping secrets very long, if at all, pleased her to no end. Almost immediately after that Miranda remembered how quickly she had betrayed that trust. What was worse was that she see in her mind as clearly as the day it happened the hurt look on Lizzie's face after hearing her best friend not only betray her trust by telling her deepest darkest secret, but also embellishing things making it sound as if she was a total slut and a porn star. She plainly see that Lizzie wanted to and tried to say something about it to her but the words wouldn't come out. Miranda knew or at least had a pretty good idea what Lizzie had wanted to say but couldn't. For as she had known her Lizzie couldn't bring herself to say certain words, words that Miranda knew that she completely deserved. The next thing Miranda remembered was the cold gut wrenching grip of fear and guilt she felt when she learned that not only was Lizzie missing but that she had been abducted by God knows who.

"Well ..." she began hesitantly, "I remember talking to Gordo on the phone before breakfast." Miranda could almost hear Gordo ranting about his parents making him go to school instead of continuing to help search for Lizzie. She had agreed with Gordo out of habit because she knew that when he was like that he wouldn't listen to anything else. Sure enough by the time she had sat next to him on the bus he had indeed calmed down. Before she had a chance to say anything on the subject Gordo had explained that his parents were probably just trying to protect him from the possibility of being the one find Lizzie's dead body. He immediately launched into an explanation of how statistics show that the longer a kid was missing the greater the chance that they were dead. "And I remember talking to him on the bus on the way to school" she added.

Before Mrs. Sanchez could respond Miranda gasped then said "Oh my God, the bus crashed didn't it." But a few moments after saying that she recalled sitting in homeroom class with her mind in turmoil over what Gordo had said on the bus. Normally she would have talked to Lizzie or her mom about something as disturbing as that, but since Lizzie wasn't and it involved her it just made it seem even worse. In her state of mind at the time what Gordo had said seemed to confirm Miranda's worst fears.

Then Miranda finally remembered leaping out the window in an effort to kill herself as punishment for what she had done to her best friend. "The bus didn't crash I tried to kill myself, didn't I."

Although Mrs. Sanchez didn't say anything to confirm what Miranda had said the look in her eyes did. Miranda swallowed nervously then asked "How come I didn't die?"

"It was a miracle Miranda." Mrs. Sanchez said in a matter of fact tone. Miranda was very familiar with that particular tone and knew that nothing she or anyone else said on the subject would change her mother's mind about it. "First you missed the sidewalk and landed on the grass. Where you landed a water line had broken the night before and had saturated the ground making it softer."

Miranda thought about what her mother had just told her for a little bit but soon enough her thoughts turned towards Lizzie. She wondered what had happened to her. Was she still missing? Was she OK or was Lizzie dead? Miranda dreaded that last possibility which made her not want to ask about Lizzie but she had to know. "Mom what about Lizzie, did they find her, is she still missing or is she..." Miranda's voice trailed off unable to ask if Lizzie was dead.

Mrs. Sanchez knew what the unspoken question was. "Lizzie's fine baby. She was found the next day after you were hurt." There was a slight hesitation before she said "She's home safe and sound."

Miranda felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her. Now that she knew her best friend was OK Miranda noticed her moms hesitation but she didn't pay much attention to it right then. Instead she began thinking about the things that lead to her decision to take her own life. While she was doing that she heard the door open but when she tried to turn her head to see she found that couldn't turn her head enough. Also what little she was able to move made her neck hurt very so much she didn't want to try it again. Soon enough she saw that it was a nurse who came in to check on her and her mom left the room to make some calls. As her mother left Miranda thought she her her say something to someone outside the room just before the door closed and cut off the sound.

While waiting for her mother to her mother return Miranda said to the nurse "Um ... excuse me but is it possible for me to get something to eat cause I'm starving?"

"I'll have to check with the doctor first but I think we can do that" the nurse replied cheerfully, "but first how do you feel?"

"Well other than being hungry," Miranda emphasized the word hungry, "I hurt all over especially my head, neck, back, ribs, left arm and shoulder."

"Well four of your ribs, your left arm, left collar bone are broken and your left shoulder was dislocated. Also have a fractured occipital bone and you have three fractured cervical vertebrae, but that's not surprising after what happened to you" the nurse answered and while she was saying that another nurse came in and prepared a syringe with what Miranda hoped was some pain medicine.

Miranda looked a little puzzled by the answer then asked "I know what most of what you said means but what does a fractured occipital bone and cervical vertebrae mean?"

"I means you cracked your skull and broke your neck young lady" a male voice said in a cheerful tone. A handsome man with a touch of gray in his otherwise jet black hair moved to where she could see. "I'm Dr. Thomas and I heard that my favorite patient was finally awake so I decided to see how she's doing." While the doctor was talking Miranda noticed the nurse injecting some medication via the shunt attached to her IV tubes.

"I'm OK I guess." Miranda responded out of habit to his implied question.

"Maybe so but it's my job to find that out for myself so I hope you don't mind if I run a few tests." After Dr. Thomas spoke he shined a light in both her eyes then reached down and touched the bottom of her feet with what felt like a cold metal rod. He quickly ran it down the soles of both her feet which hurt a bit and made her squirm a little. "Very good," he commented then said "Next I want you to squeeze my hand as hard as you can with your right hand." When Miranda hesitated he added "Don't worry about hurting me just grab my hand and give it all you've got." Miranda did exactly as he asked and his response was to smile and say "Excellent, so far it looks like you're going to be just fine."

"Dr. Thomas, where did my mom go and when will I be able to go home?"

"It will be a while before you can go home, at least a few days probably longer, it all depends on how well you are doing then. Your mom and dad are right outside the door waiting for me to finish up in here. I'll send them in right after I have a word with them. Dr. Thomas turned to the door then started to leave but after a couple steps he stopped and spoke quietly with the first nurse who came into the room.

After the doctor left the nurse said "Dr. Thomas said it was OK for you to have something to eat. The kitchen is still serving lunch and on the menu today is chicken or tomato soup, salad and ham or chicken sandwiches. Although most of our younger patients prefer to have the hamburger meal," the nurse didn't miss the way Miranda's eyes lit up at the mention of burgers which was one of her favorite meals. "I've got a hunch you're the kind of girl who likes burgers and fries."

"I love them." She could feel the medication taking effect as the pain became less noticeable.

"OK I'll have then bring one up as soon as possible." the nurse turned to the door then started to leave but after a couple steps he stopped and said "By the way there's either chocolate or vanilla pudding for dessert, which do you want?"

"I like chocolate." Miranda was feeling very relaxed and was slurring her words a little when she said that. By the time the door had closed Miranda was already drifting off to sleep.


	24. About Lizzie and Miranda

Meanwhile at the McGuire home Lizzie was lying on her bed thoroughly bored. There was no one to talk too because Gordo and Kate were both in school and wouldn't be home for at least another two hours and, as far as she knew, her best friend was lying in a coma at the hospital. She had tried playing video games but she really didn't like playing them alone. She had already read all of her books, the magazines she usually read now seemed extremely uninteresting and there was nothing on TV that she wanted to watch. She was so bored that she found herself wanting something she had never imagined she ever would, which was going to school. Now she was hoping that during tomorrows check up the doctor would say it would be OK for her to go back to school. At first she had dreaded the thought of going back to school but both Gordo and Kate had repeatedly reassured her that no one at school had really believed all the things Miranda had said about her.

There were two main reasons why she wanted to go back to school. The first was simply that she missed being with her friends. The other was that while at home with nothing to do her thoughts frequently turned to her ordeal. No matter how hard she tried not to she kept thinking about being raped repeatedly the whole time then being stabbed and left to die slowly in a dumpster like she was trash.

The memory of being stabbed then left to die in the dumpster like she was a piece of trash bothered her a lot, but what bothered her even more was all the things she'd been forced to do with those men and how it made her feel like she literally was a piece of trash. These things just reinforced her feelings of worthlessness the abuse John and his friends had already given her. She felt like she was just a play thing for men and boys to use then thrown away. Lizzie was mad at them for what they had done to her but she was even madder at herself for letting them do it to her. She was furious with herself for not being strong enough to fight them and worse for not even knowing how to fight back. The worst part was still being too scared even now to tell the police or anyone else who the men were, exactly what they did and why they did it. She despised herself for being weak and scared.

While thinking of those things she noticed all the posters and pictures of actors and pop stars she had on her walls. They were all young men that both she and Miranda thought were hot and sexy. They had used to spend hours about their fantasies of what it would be like to make out with them. Now when she looked at them Lizzie found not only uninteresting but also repulsive in an way she couldn't understand. As she thought about it it became just too much for her to bear and Lizzie went into a frenzy, tearing down all the posters and pictures and began ripping them into shreds making her room even messier than it already was. It turned out that her outburst had also made enough noise to cause her mother to come rushing into her room without knocking like she usually did.

When Mrs. McGuire barged into the room she was brandishing one of Sam's baseball bats ready to defend her her daughter at any cost. It only took her a moment to see that Lizzie was alone in her room. "Lizzie what's wrong? Are you alright?"

Lizzie was so surprised to see her mom come charging into her room that it was several seconds before the questions registered on her mind. "Um, I'm okay. Every thing's fine." as she spoke Lizzie noticed the mess she'd made and added nervously "I just decided to redecorate in here."

Mrs. McGuire noticed the nervous look on Lizzie's face then said " Are you sure that's all because you were making an awful lot of noise." As she spoke Mrs. McGuire took a good look in Lizzie's closet then under the bed, making sure no one was hiding in the room. "You were also yelling 'I hate you' quite loudly."

She hadn't realized that during her outburst she been yelling at the top of her lungs until her mother told her that she had and felt embarrassed about it. Lizzie knew that her mother was expecting her to talk about it like they had with her other problems in the past. There was a million things she wanted to tell her mom but she had no idea how to say them and there were other things that she was just too embarrassed to talk about with anyone, least of all her mother. There was also some things that Lizzie was just too scared to tell.

After it became clear that Lizzie wasn't going to say anything about it she said "Lizzie, I almost forgot what I came up to tell you about in the first place."

"What's that?" Lizzie asked in a monotone voice.

"Miranda's mom just called." When Lizzie heard that it felt like her heart sank into the pit of her stomach. "She called to tell us that Miranda has finally come out of the coma and has been awake and talking coherently for a while."

Lizzie's eyes lit up as she squealed with joy before saying "Just give me a minute to get ready to go."

"No not today" Mrs. McGuire said sternly.

"Why not?

"First you've already visited her earlier today and also because Mrs. Sanchez said that she's asleep right now."

"But mom..." Lizzie started to say before being cut off.

"Honey I know you want to go visit her but I think we should let Miranda's parent's have some time with her first." Mrs. McGuire's said brining Lizzie's plans to to visit Miranda to a grinding halt before they even started. She put her arm around Lizzie's shoulder "I know you don't want to wait to visit her but unless Miranda's mom or dad calls and asks us to come visit her we should at least wait until tomorrow." Mrs. McGuire could see that Lizzie was really disappointed but right now was not a good time for her to be going anywhere. "Lizzie I'll be downstairs if you need anything." Before leaving the room she checked the window to make sure that they were secure then closed the blinds. After her mother left Lizzie moped about not being able to go see Miranda right away for several minutes before she got up and started cleaning the mess she had made.

While Lizzie was getting started cleaning her room Gordo was on his way to Miranda's room. When he got to Miranda's room her mom was still there reading a magazine. When she looked at him he saw that she no longer had the sad and weary look that she had on her face since the day Miranda had tried to kill herself. "Hi Mrs. Sanchez, how is Miranda doing today?" he asked.

" I have some good news for you. A few hours ago Miranda woke up for almost an hour and was coherent the whole time." Mrs Sanchez watched as her news sunk in and a smile appeared on Gordo's face. Before he could bombard her with questions she continued saying "She's sleeping right now but the doctor reassured me that was normal for patients who had just come out of a coma."

Gordo was so happy he didn't know what to say next. After several seconds Mrs Sanchez said "I'll be back in a few minutes." After she left Gordo sat next to Miranda's bed and took her right hand in his. Right away he noticed that her hand felt more alive then it had the whole time she'd been in the hospital. At first he thought it was just his imagination but after a minute he realized that she was grasping his hand ever so lightly that he could barely feel it.

He started talking to her just like he always had before but not quite loud enough to wake her. He told her about what was going on at school and so forth. Almost a half hour later Gordo decided to wind up his visit and said "Well I gotta go now but I'll be here tomorrow as usual." He started to getting up then added "I love you Miranda." Then kissed her lightly on the cheek.

When he turned around he saw Mrs. Sanchez sitting by the door. He hadn't heard her return and was embarrassed when he realized that she must have seen him kissing Miranda he began blushing . During the awkward silence that that filled the room the electronic hum and beeps of the monitors attached to Miranda seemed to grow louder and louder each second. Gordo felt as if his feet were rooted to the floor and that the door to the room, along with the sanctuary it offered, seemed as if it were a thousand miles away. After what seemed like hours but actually only a few seconds he said "I...I...I can explain."

Mrs. Sanchez noticed his very obvious embarrassment and said "Don't worry about that Gordo," trying to put him at ease. "I think what you did was very sweet." Next she motioned to the door then said "Let's go out in the hall where we can talk."

When the door had closed behind them she led him to one of the small waiting areas scattered strategically throughout the hospital. Once they were seated she said " I have some more good news for you. The doctor told me that she shows no sign of paralysis and judging from his preliminary tests there's a good chance that she will probably make a full recovery but she'll almost certainly need physical therapy before she's gets back to normal."

"That's great news Mrs. Sanchez," he said then continued "but I don't think that's all you wanted to talk to me about is it."

"No it isn't. There's a couple other things I wanted to talk to you about."

"What are they?"

"First of all Gordo, "Mrs. Sanchez said in a firm tone of voice looking both in the eyes "if Miranda asks you about Lizzie you're not to tell her anything about it except that Lizzie's OK and safe at home. Nothing more than that do you under stand?"

Gordo paused a few seconds before answering. This was almost exactly the same warning his parents had given him the same day Lizzie had gone home from the hospital. "Yeah sure no problem but ..." Gordo let his voice trail off rather than say the obvious.

"I know she has to be told and she will be, but when the time comes her father and I will tell her everything she needs to know and no more than that." She paused for a few seconds because what she had to say next was something she really didn't want to deal with. "_**Please help me God?**_" Mrs. Sanchez whispered almost inaudibly to herself in Spanish before saying what she had to be said. "Gordo did you get a chance to see Miranda's suicide note?"

"No but I think I've got a pretty good idea" Gordo answered.

"That's not enough for you to really understand what I have to say." Mrs. Sanchez pulled a folded piece of paper out of her purse. "Here's a photocopy of the note that she had written."

Gordo took the note and read it. Mrs. Sanchez waited long enough for him to have read the note before saying "As you can see Miranda says that she betrayed Lizzie's trust and that she feels responsible for what happened to her, but she she didn't say how or why. Do you have any ideas about that?"

Until just a few days ago Gordo would have only been able to guess at the answer based only on what little he'd learned from the rumors at school. But just a couple days ago Kate had given him a ride to Lizzie's house after he had finished his usual after school visit with Miranda. That morning Lizzie's mom had called Gordo and asked him to bring home Lizzie's schoolbooks along with the home work assignments she had missed. Since Gordo knew the combination to Lizzie's locker, just like he had all through junior high, he hadn't needed anyone from the school office to help open Lizzie's locker. Also ever since the day Kate had talked to him about letting Lizzie and Miranda's parents having more time alone with their daughter's she had been more willing to talk with him. She also usually gave him rides to and from the hospital when he asked so he had been pretty sure that she would help him to bring Lizzie's books home.

After they had given Lizzie her books and homework assignments they got down to the serious business of bringing her up to date with what was going on at school. They had started going over the latest gossip about the popular seniors when Lizzie shocked both of them by asking "So what is everybody saying about about me?"

After a moment Gordo quickly said "Well they're mainly talking about when you'll be coming back to school."

"No I mean what they're saying about the rumors Miranda started about me being a total skank and porn star?" Lizzie had said impatiently.

Both Gordo and Kate were taken completely by surprise by that because they had agreed not to say anything about the rumors that only Miranda could have started. After an uncomfortable but short period of silence Gordo asked "How did you know?" Almost as soon as he said that the obvious answer came to him but he also needed to hear Lizzie confirm it.

"Well I had been looking for Miranda at lunchtime and..." Lizzie hesitated as if the pain of Miranda's betrayal had hit her again. After a couple moments she continued "I overheard her telling some of her new friends those things."

After that revelation they had talked a while reassuring her that most of the kids didn't believe the rumors. In the process of that they had also found out that Miranda knew that Lizzie had over heard her. He was unsure of what should he tell Mrs. Sanchez about it or not. A part of him wanted to tell her because it was right thing to do. Another part felt that if he did he would be betraying not only Miranda's privacy but also Lizzie's trust in him not to repeat things she had told him confidentially. In the end the part of him that wanted to do what was right won out.

Mrs. Sanchez was so shocked by what Gordo told her that it was scant minute before she could say anything. While she would have liked to not believe what he had said but it did help explain why her daughter had tried to kill herself. Mrs. Sanchez finally said "Thanks for being honest with me Gordo, it explains a lot about what she did." For a few seconds after saying that Mrs. Sanchez looked like she wanted to add something else but got up and went back to Miranda's room.

Gordo sat there wondering if there was something that he had missed some thing that might have prevented Miranda's suicide attempt. After a few minutes he remembered what his dad had told him about exactly this kind of situation. _'It does no good to beat yourself up over something that has already happened, when you should be figuring out how to make the best of the situation you have now.' _After repeating that to himself he got up and headed home.

When Lizzie and her mom arrived at the hospital the next morning Mrs. McGuire checked with the visitors information desk before they took the elevator to floor Miranda's room was on. Lizzie was so wrapped up in thinking about what she would say to Miranda she hadn't heard a word her mother said on the way. Now that the time had come to talk to Miranda, Lizzie found that she had mixed feelings towards her friend. On one hand she was very happy and relieved that her best friend was going to be OK, but on the other hand she was still feeling a little angry with Miranda as well.

When Lizzie got to the open door she stopped and looked into the room. She saw Miranda sitting up sharing on the remnants of her breakfast with her little sister Stevie, while Mr. & Mrs. Sanchez sat next to the foot of the bed watching their daughters as they watched TV. At that moment Lizzie felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and the light in the room seemed a little brighter and breathing was a little easier. Lizzie stood there staring at the happy scene not wanting to disturb it. Even though they were in a hospital room the Sanchez family seemed sublimely happy. Lizzie wished that she could be happy like that. It had been so long since she had been truly happy that she had almost forgotten what it was like.

After a few seconds of watching Miranda and Stevie and listening to the happy chatter between them Lizzie felt as if she was an intruder spying on them. Before anyone turned to look her way Lizzie decided that she would leave and not spoil things. Lizzie bolted from the doorway and took off down the hallway towards the elevator crying but not before Mrs. Sanchez saw her there for a moment. It was several seconds before she realized that her mom was right behind her calling her name.

"Lizzie, please stop Lizzie" her mother called out to her. Once she heard that Lizzie stopped. "What's wrong honey? Why did you run off like that?" She guided Lizzie to a place where they could sit down.

At first Lizzie's words were made unintelligible by her sobbing but after a few minutes she got her sobbing under control enough to say "They were so happy and I just couldn't go in and spoil it. I know that I'd just spoil it and make it go away." She sniffed a little and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand before continuing. "It was so wonderful to see Miranda happy like that." As Lizzie spoke Mrs. McGuire noticed that Mrs. Sanchez coming down the hall. "It reminded me of what it's like to be happy and it's been a long time since I was happy like that. Why can't I be happy like that?" Lizzie looked into her mom's eyes then continued. "I'd give just about anything to be happy like that even for just a few seconds. I just wanted wanted to watch her being happy for just a little while at least. I that if Miranda saw me in the door it would all stop. All the happy sounds would go away and it would be because of me."

"You're wrong about that Lizzie." Mrs. Sanchez's voice interrupted before any one else could say anything. "You see Lizzie, you were the reason why Miranda was so happy when you saw her." Lizzie looked at her with a puzzled expression on her face. "She thought you were dead and blamed herself for it. She felt so badly about what she did that she felt that she didn't deserve to live. Instead she wakes up and finds out that her best friend is alive and is coming to see her. So you see Lizzie there is only one thing in this world that can make Miranda happier than she is right now and that is you going in there and talking to her."

When Lizzie heard that she stopped crying and took the tissue her mother was holding out for her. After drying her eyes Lizzie gave Mrs. Sanchez a hug then got up and went to the room Miranda was in. This time she walked right into the room and said "Hi Miranda." From the way Miranda's face lit up Lizzie knew that everything Mrs. Sanchez had said to her was true.

The two girls started chatting happily as if nothing had happened since the last time they had talked. Both girls had intended to discuss what happened but neither wanted to spoil the mood. They each figured that that discussion could wait for another day. Neither one of them noticed when Miranda's dad and little sister left nor were they aware of their mothers watching them from where they were standing by the door. When the two women left to leave them alone they could hear the theme song of the show Clover and Daisy's Magic Train playing on the TV. They could also hear their daughters gleefully signing along with the song.


	25. Big News

After leaving Lizzie and Miranda alone Mrs. McGuire said "Come on Daniella, lets go get a cup of coffee while we give them time to talk things out."

Mrs. Sanchez nodded in agreement as she said "Sure, just as long as I'm buying."

After they sat down at an empty table in the cafeteria Mrs. Sanchez said "Jo, I have to ask you have you told Lizzie yet about what's on the TV new and in the newspapers?"

Mrs. McGuire sighed heavily before shaking her head while saying "Sam and I've been waiting for the good time to tell her. But I guess we knew that was never going to happen and have been using that as an excuse to put off telling her." She paused to take a drink of coffee. "We knew all along that it would be impossible to keep her from finding out. We just wanted to spare her the shock as long as we could. So Daniella, when are you and Eduardo going to tell Miranda?"

"This afternoon, after Gordo's daily visit is over. And you?"

"I guess it can't be put off any longer. Well tell her tonight after Sam gets home."

Mrs. Sanchez nodded in silent agreement then said "Jo, I overheard part of what Lizzie said to you earlier and I had no idea. Has it really been bad as she made it sound?"

Mrs. McGuire took a drink of her coffee before replying. "I wish I could honestly say that she was exaggerating but she wasn't, in fact I'm pretty sure she's understating it. She hasn't talked about it with anyone yet but eventually she's going to have to. I don't care who she talks to just hope she does it soon." She paused to take another sip of her coffee then continued. "Daniella how much do you know about what happened to Lizzie before she was found?"

"Not much, only what's been said on the news. I know that she was stabbed and that there was some evidence that she was raped. How bad was it?"

"I don't know if I should burden you with all this Daniella when you've already got so much to deal with."

"Look Jo, you've always been there for me whenever I needed help now let me do the same for you for a change. Besides you know I love Lizzie like she was my own daughter and if there is any way I can help you get through this don't hesitate to ask."

"OK but I have to warn you that what little we know is pretty bad." She paused long enough to take a drink from her cup before continuing. "According to what the doctors and the police have figured out from her injuries and what little physical evidence they've gathered so far Lizzie was gang raped by at least six men probably more. After which they took her to where she was found and two them took turns stabbing her while being held by two other men. Then next they threw her naked in a dumpster where they left her to die in the trash." Mrs. McGuire made a strange sound as if she was choking back a sob. After gaining control she said "They threw my baby in the trash as if she was a piece of trash," before she started sobbing quietly.

"Oh my God" Mrs. Sanchez gasped "I had no idea." She was so appalled by what she had just learned that it took a few seconds before she moved to console her friend.

Meanwhile up in Miranda's hospital room Lizzie and Miranda had continued watching the TV. They had continued chatting while being careful not to upset each other just as their mothers had suggested. It was just a matter of time before they ran out of things to say while pretending everything was OK. It soon came to the point where Miranda could no longer play along and finally blurted out "Lizzie I'm so sorry for those terrible things I said about you." Miranda felt relieved as soon as she said that which in turn encouraged her to continue on that subject before Lizzie had a chance to reply. "I wouldn't blame you if you hate me for that but I hope that you won't and that we can still be friends."

Lizzie was kind of relieved when she heard that because it was Miranda who brought up the subject. As she thought about how to respond she could plainly see that Miranda was anxiously waiting to see what her response would be. "I don't hate you silly. You know I could never hate you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Miranda conceded. "But you had to at least been really, really mad at me."

"Oh I was angry about it. Boy was I so mad at you at first but ....." Lizzie hesitated as she recalled when she realized that she was partly to blame for what Miranda had said about her. "But the more I thought about it I realized that I was also mad at myself."

"What!" Miranda exclaimed with a very surprised look on her face. "Why in the hell would you be angry at yourself for something I did?"

"Because you have a bad habit of not being able to keep secrets Miranda. In fact the 'juicier' the secret the sooner you tell people about it. And when I told you about what had happened with John and his friends," Lizzie involuntarily shuddered a bit as she said that, "I knew that you couldn't keep a secret.. Do you remember what I told you about Jason Foster a while ago?" Miranda nodded her head after a couple seconds of thought. "Well I had just made that up so I could see how long you could keep a secret. I did that was because I needed to talk to someone about what I had done with John and his friends. I really wanted to talk to you about it but I didn't know if I could trust you with that secret. Then after the police told my mom and dad about it I figured I could tell my closest friends about it at least because I hated keeping secrets from them." Lizzie stopped to wipe her eyes then said "I'm sorry Miranda. I never should have given you a burden I knew you couldn't handle. I didn't think it would lead to something like this. I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?" For some reason that she couldn't understand much less explain Lizzie felt as if she had not only wronged Miranda but also her whole family, Gordo, Kate and all of her other friends even though she had actually done nothing wrong.

Miranda was so surprised by what Lizzie had said that it was several seconds before she could even think let alone say anything. "Lizzie you can't blame yourself for something I did. You didn't make me say you were a skank and a porn star. I did that on my own even though I knew that I shouldn't. It's because of me that you got kidnapped in the first place." Now it was Lizzie's turn to to have a dumbfounded look on her face. "If you hadn't overheard me saying those things you wouldn't have run off from school. And if you hadn't done that you would never have been kidnapped. So it's still my fault."

"Um, Miranda I think there's something I need to tell you," Lizzie said in a meek and apologetic tone. "When those men kidnapped me I tried to get away but one of them must have had a stun gun or something because as soon as I started struggling they 'tazed' me so I couldn't do anything about it. Then after they threw me in their van and took off one of them said as the other was tying me up that he was glad that I was alone like that because if I hadn't he would have had to kill the two kids I was always with. I knew that he meant you and Gordo when he said that. So you see it was a good thing that I ran off alone like I did." Lizzie decided not to mention that upon hearing her two best friends would've been killed if they had been with her then had scared the hell out of her.

"Maybe you shouldn't have told me about that stuff. Maybe it was better for me and Gordo that you ran off like you did. But all that doesn't change the fact that what I did is wrong Lizzie and I need to at least apologize for it."

"Apology accepted. You know Miranda at first I was really really mad at you for what you did but when I learned that you had tried to kill yourself all of a sudden I wasn't mad at you anymore." Lizzie sniffed a little as she paused to get a grip on herself. "I knew immediately why you had done it and I guess that's when I forgave you. So let's forget about this and talk about something else."

Miranda nodded in agreement after a few moments then asked "OK, there's something I've been dying to ask ever since you walked in the room?"

Lizzie's heart skipped a beat when she heard that. She hoped that Miranda would ask her about anything except what had happened to her. She was sure that if she did tell Miranda about it would blame herself for everything that had happened to her.

"When did you dye your hair? Not that I don't love it but unless you want to go back to being blonde you better dye your hair again because your roots are starting to show."

Lizzie breathed a sigh of relief because this was one thing she had before saying "Thanks but I''m gonna go back to being blonde." Lizzie desperately wanted to change the subject so she quickly said before Miranda had a chance to say anything else "What do you think about my plans of having my birthday party as soon as you're well enough to go home ?"

Miranda suspected there was a lot more connected to Lizzie's hair being dyed dark brown than she was willing to talk about. So Miranda decided to go along with the subject change especially since she always loved talking about and planning parties. When their mothers returned a while later they were still discussing the party.

A few hours later after Gordo's daily visit and the series of x-rays the doctor had ordered for her Miranda had some time alone in her room. While waiting for her mom and dad to come visit she had watched some TV and had dinner. During that time she thought about Lizzie had acted and had avoided answering some of the questions during her visit. Finally when her mom and dad did get there Miranda said "Mom, dad there's something I want to ask you guys about?"

"I'm sure you do baby but first your father and I have something very important to tell you first. OK." Mrs. Sanchez paused for a split second then before Miranda had a chance to say anything she started right in on explaining what had happened to Lizzie. Mr. And Mrs. Sanchez Were both very careful in how they explained it and told Miranda no more than what had been in the news. Miranda had been completely stunned by the news and just as her parents figured she would she started blaming herself. Her mom and dad spent the rest of the evening her explaining that it was not her fault.

Meanwhile at Lizzie's house after the dinner dishes had been taken care of Mrs. McGuire helped Lizzie wash and dress her wounds her mom had not only carefully inspected each one for signs of infection she had asked how each one felt. Talking about her injuries made Lizzie think of something else that she hadn't considered before. Lizzie realized that if Miranda found out that she'd been brutally raped then stabbed and left to die in a dumpster Miranda would probably blame herself for it even though it wasn't her fault. "Mom I don't want Miranda to know what happened to me while I was missing. I think it would just make her feel even worse than she already does."

Mrs McGuire had dreaded this moment and had put it off for as long as she possibly could. "Lizzie I that's not possible."

"Huh, what do you mean it's not possible?"

"Well when you disappeared your name, description and picture was in the newspapers and broadcast on TV."

"So what, Miranda already knew that I had disappeared."

"They also broadcast the news about the attempted murder and stuff."

It only took a few seconds for Lizzie to realize what the 'and stuff' meant. When she realized exactly what that meant was filled with a cold sinking feeling of dread. "But ... but you guys said that they don't put the names of the kids who have that kind of stuff happen to them in the news."

"Most of the time that's true honey but in your case that was impossible because your name and picture had already been used in the all news." Mrs McGuire didn't want to say any more about it but now that she had started waiting to tell Lizzie the rest of it later would just make it worse. "Lizzie when you disappeared it was big news and not just in this area but all over the country. People who had seen the video of you at you Junior high graduation on TV recognized your picture. Also those who saw the IMVA show recognized you as well. Then when people like Frankie Munoz and Isabella Parigi and a few other celebrities found out it became even bigger news. So you see there's no way we can keep what happened a secret from Miranda. We're all just going to have to deal with this the best we can."

Lizzie's mind reeled at the thought of everyone knowing about it. She had wanted keep the whole thing secret with only as few people possible knowing about it. Now everyone in the world knew about the most shameful and horrifying experience of her life. She wondered how she would be able to show her face in public again, let alone school, with out every one knowing about all the disgusting and downright nasty things she'd done. They'd think she was a skanky bitch and they'd be right. Lizzie had that sick scared feeling that chilled to the core once again. In some ways it was almost as bad as on the last day of her captivity when she realized that once they were done with her they were going to kill her, and in others it was worse.

"Lizzie," Mrs. McGuire said interrupting her daughters train of though, which unknown to Lizzie was plainly visible on her face. "It's not as bad as you think it is. Maybe you should read some of the letters people sent to us and you." Mrs. McGuire paused a few moments to think about how to say the rest. "Honey I think you should know that it's not as bad as you might think." Mrs. McGuire handed Lizzie a loose fitting Pajama top to put on then went to the bathroom door. After opening the door she paused then said "Why don't you go downstairs and fix us some hot chocolate while I get some of the letters for you to read."

Over the next few hours Lizzie read and re-read the letters her mom had brought down for her to look at. She talked about what was in the letters with her mom and dad and what it meant for her. Eventually, just as Lizzie expected, her mom tried once more to get her to open up and talk about what had been done to her. Lizzie definitely did not want to even think about it let alone talk about it. Despite all the reassurances from her mother, the nurses at the hospital and Dr. Wilkerling that talking about what had happened would help make her feel better she was determined to put it off as long as she absolutely could. They just couldn't seem to understand just how impossible it was for her. She couldn't even form the words silently in her mind without the memories overwhelming her. Every time she had tried to it made her feel sick and hopelessly terrified inside.

Later that night, after trying to get to sleep and failing, Lizzie decided go downstairs to get another cup of hot chocolate to help her get to sleep. She quietly made her way downstairs and headed towards the kitchen but as she neared the doorway she heard her mom and dad talking. At first she couldn't make heads or tails but after a few seconds she made out her fathers voice saying "... I know that Lizzie would rather not talk about it but damn it if she doesn't at least tell the police those God damn fucking bastards who did it to her will get away Scott-free." Mr. McGuire's voice had almost turned into an angry growl by the time he was finished. In her minds eye Lizzie could see her glare at him for using that kind of language.

"I know Sam but you remember when the police tried to get her statement in the hospital. She became hysterical every time and needed to be sedated. Ever since we brought her home I've been trying to get her to open up but each time I get her close to it she has a flashback or something and clams right back up."

"Jo I know you're doing the best you can with this messed up situation but you know damn well that what I said is true and it is time we stop pussy footing around and lay it all out for Lizzie."

"I know that but just give me some more time." Lizzie heard a low murmur then her mom's voice continued "Just give me a couple more days. Maybe now that Miranda is conscious it might help Lizzie open up."

"OK, OK we'll give your way a few more day." Lizzie heard a long pause then her dad said "God I hope things work out. As tough this is on us it got to be a hell of a lot worse for Lizzie. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for her."

"I know Sam, I feel the same way." Lizzie heard her mom gasp then say "Oh my God I forgot about the meeting with Matt's guidance counselor this afternoon."

"Don't worry Jo I went to the meeting."

"Good. So what did he have to say?"

"He said that Matt's grades have been suffering and asked if there were any problems at home that might be causing it. So I gave him a brief rundown of the situation but he said that while the current events are sure to have an affect in the future it doesn't explain his past performance. So I told him what I thought it might be."

"Sam I still don't see why Matt having the same teachers that Lizzie had in middle school has anything to do with it. I had all the same teachers that my older brother had all through school and it wasn't a problem."

"I take it that your older brother didn't get better grades than you did."

"No, but what has that got to do with it?"

"It has everything to do with it Jo." He paused like he always did before explaining something. "I had an older brother who got all A's and B's through school. Then when I had the same teachers a couple years later they kept on saying things like _'why can't you be more like your brother'_ or _'at least try to be a little like your brother'_. I know now what they meant but back then it just made me feel like a stupid idiot and I hated my brother for it. I lashed out at my older brother a lot like the way Matt treats Lizzie and I also got in a lot of trouble at school. I also pretty much gave up on trying to get good grades. When we moved after my first year of Junior high that stopped then my grades improved a lot and I stopped being mad at my brother."

"Oh so you think Matt's teachers for the past couple of years has been doing the same thing."

After hearing that Lizzie didn't want to hear any more so she decided to go back to her room. All the way back to her room she thought _'Great, not only am I putting mom and dad through hell, I'm ruining Matt's life as well and it's my fault that he treat's me like crap.'_ Once she got back to her room She threw herself on the bed and cried herself to sleep.


	26. Fateful Meetings

The next day visiting Miranda Lizzie had gone to the children's ward of the hospital to give reading to the kids a try. Much to her surprise Lizzie found that she enjoyed it much more than she had thought she would. When she finished she talked to the woman in charge of the reading program about doing it on a regular basis even after she returned to school.

Over the next few days Lizzie would first visit Miranda after lunch then she'd go do her volunteer work. She'd red to the kids until school let out and Gordo arrived for his daily visit. She would stay and visit with both of them for a little while before going home.

One of the kids she read to and had bonded with almost instantly was a 7 year old girl called Ruthie who was undergoing treatment for cancer and needed constant medical care. Lizzie soon learned that her father had died a couple years before and that she had an older brother named Kevin. By Friday afternoon Ruthie was eager to introduce Lizzie to her mom and her brother when they made their visit right after a doctors appointment rather than after dinner like they usually did.

Lizzie was almost fished reading a chapter of Peter Rabbit to the kid when Ruthie excitedly called out to her mother. When Ruthie introduced them Lizzie smiled and said "Hi" but she couldn't help noticing that for one brief moment the woman hesitated to respond. For the duration of that moment, however brief, Lizzie knew that Ruthie's mothered had recognized her and feared that she would disapprove of someone like her reading to Ruthie and the other kids.

After a moments hesitation Ruthie's mother said "Hi I'm Laura Reynolds, Ruthie's mother and I wanted to let you know how much it means to me what you're doing for my daughter and the other kids."

Lizzie was so surprised by the unexpected response that she could think of anything to say that she could barely managed to say "Thanks" while blushing profusely. Maybe what her mother had told her a few days ago was right after all and those letters her mom had shown her were real after all. For the next minute or so Lizzie answered Ruthie's and her mothers questions.

Things were going well enough that Lizzie started to actually believe that there might actually be a chance of things would get better for her. Then she heard the sound of someone coming through the door of the children's ward. When Lizzie looked to see who it was her blood turned to ice once she recognized the newcomer. The person who had entered the room was one of the younger men who raped her for what seemed like forever on that horrendous last day of her captivity just hours before they had tried to kill her. She wanted to run and hide from him but she was so paralyzed with fear that she couldn't move a muscle let alone run away.

At the same time Lizzie had looked to see who had come in Mr's Reynolds had done the same just in time to see her 17 year old son Kevin enter the ward. When Mrs. Reynolds turned introduce him she saw that Lizzie had turned almost as white as a sheet. She started to ask what was wrong but was interrupted when Lizzie said "I swear I didn't tell anyone. Honest to God I swear I didn't." Lizzie looked around frantically for an escape route as she began backing away while trying to keep an eye on the object of her fear. Within seconds she tripped on something behind her causing Lizzie to hit her head on a piece of equipment and collapsing as if her bones had suddenly turned to jelly.

Mrs. Reynolds quickly pushed the call button a couple times. While waiting for someone to come she turned to her son and asked sternly "Keven do you know what this is all about?" As she spoke she noticed that her son had a very scared look on his face. The same scared look he always had whenever he'd been caught doing something wrong and knew that he was about to be punished. Instead of answering her he ran off leaving her wondering what was going on. She wanted to chase after her son but reassuring her daughter and the other kids that everything going to be OK was more important at the moment.

A while later, after calming her daughter and the other kids down, Mrs. Reynolds went in search of her son. She figured that she'd search for him in the hospital first even though he was probably be long gone by now. She wanted to know why Lizzie had reacted like she did when seeing Kevin but at the same time she feared what that answer would be. It wasn't long before her search brought her to the hospital's little chapel. Once there she figure that she'd stop and pray a little before continuing her search. As she entered the chapel she saw that someone else was there praying. At first she didn't want to disturb whoever it was until she realized that it was Kevin. She sat next to him and waited a minute or so in silence while trying to find the right thing to say.

"Kev, do you want to tell me why that poor girl was scared to death of you?"

"Dad was right mom. I didn't used to believe it but he was right all along."

"What do you mean?"

"You remember how he used to tell me that when you've done something wrong it's always better to tell the truth and take whatever punishment you've got coming because the alternative is a lot worse. He said the guilt would eat you up inside until there's nothing left."

"Yes I do" she replied with a sinking feeling that she wasn't going to like where this was leading to.

Kevin took a deep breath then then blurted out "Mom I was one of the guy's who raped her."

Mrs. Reynolds was shocked by her son's words. She had wondered what had been bothering him the last few weeks but she had never imagined that it was something like this. "My God, how could you do something like that. You father and I raised you better than that." She waited to see if her son would say anything but when he didn't she said "Kevin you know what your father would want you to do, don't you?"

He nodded his head in agreement before saying "Yeah I know but it's so hard to do."

"I know it is, doing what's right usually is. If it was easy then everyone would always do it but it's not."

Kevin hugged her tightly as he said "I'm scared mom."

"I know you are honey but I want you to know that I'll do everything that I can to help you." After a minute of silence she got up then said "Come on Kevin we both know waiting won't make it easier so we might as well go do it right now."

Back at the hospital several hours later after Lizzie had been thoroughly checked out she went to visit with Miranda again while Mrs. McGuire had discussed possibility of taking her home instead of staying overnight in the hospital like the doctor wanted, but in the end Mrs. McGuire agreed that Lizzie should stay overnight for observation. She also pointed out that her daughter would almost certainly want to stay with her friend and that that the other bed in Miranda's room was empty. After letting Lizzie know about the change in plans she went to get a cup of coffee before going home to get somethings for Lizzie overnight stay. When she got in the car she turned on her cell phone Mrs. McGuire saw that she had one missed call and a text message from Doris Sanchez asking her to call back right away.

While Mrs. McGuire was doing that Lizzie and Miranda were busy chatting while watching their favorite show Green Valley just like they usually did. Then when the show was almost over it was interrupted by a news bulletin.

"We interrupt this broadcast with an important news update." the announcers voice said just before a conference room appeared on the screen. "We're here live at Hillridge police headquarters where Police Chief James Mason has called a press conference concerning the McGuire kidnapping case." While the announcer was speaking a picture of Lizzie appeared in the upper right corner of the screen. "At this time spokesmen for the police department have declined to say what the announcement will be about. While waiting we want to remind our viewers that an earlier report stated that the police were questioning several person's of interest. Also DNA test results on blood stains were found in the trunk of a limousine owned by a local company have yet to confirm the findings of preliminary tests which indicate that the blood found may belong to Elizabeth McGuire."

The announcer's voice cut off as several people entered the room and headed to the podium. Both girls recognized Miranda's cousin Doris as soon as she entered the room along with several other people. An older officer with salt and pepper hair stepped up to the podium and said "Ladies and gentlemen of the press I'd like to announce that as of 4:15 pm today a local teenager has turn himself in and made a full confession of his part in the kidnapping and rape of Elizabeth McGuire. We are convinced that he did actually take part in the crime. Due to our policy concerning ongoing investigations and juvenile offenders we are not at liberty to release his name. However due to his cooperation we expect to be making more arrests in the case very soon."

A few seconds after he finished speaking several reporters started asking questions at the same time. At that time Miranda looked over at Lizzie and saw that her friend was was obviously upset about the announcement for some reason and had a very pained look on her face. As Miranda reached for the remote control she heard another voice on the TV say "What about th...." At that point she shut off the TV and asked "What is it Lizzie? What's wrong? I thought you would be happy that they caught one of the people who did it." When Lizzie didn't reply Miranda decided to try another approach. "Is it because they said you name, showed your picture and told the whole world what happened to you but they wouldn't even give the name of the boy they arrested for doing those things to you."

For the next couple minutes Lizzie sulked quietly before saying "No that's not it. Well maybe it might be a little bit. I don't know Miranda, I'm so confused about the whole thing that I don't know what to think." Lizzie looked confused as she spoke. "I mean everyone's always telling me that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do anything wrong when I know that I did a bunch of things that are really nasty and wrong. They're always trying to get me to talk about the whole thing saying that it will help me feel better when I all I want to do is forget it ever happened and not even think about it ever again."

Miranda had no idea what to say in response so she just waited for her to continue. After a minute of silence she said "OK Lizzie I won't ask you about what happened even though I'm dying to hear all about it."

After a few moments Lizzie began to giggle a little before she said "I guess you are."

It was only then that Miranda realized the double meaning of what she had said. She was about to apologize for her poor choice of words when a smile started to appear on Lizzie's face.

"Thanks Miranda. You always seem to know just what to say to help make me feel better." She took a quick drink of water from the cup on her night stand then said "Look Miranda I'd rather talk about something else, actually anything else would be a million times better. OK."

For the rest of the evening they talked about a multitude of things with only a few awkward moments when one of them would touch upon a sore topic for the other. When that happened they'd just change the subject and pretended that it never happened.

The next Monday at lunch Gordo sat next to Kate. After a minute or so Kate said to him "Hi Gordo, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

Gordo swallowed the food he was chewing then wiped his mouth before replying "Can we go some where a little more private?" Gordo nodded slightly towards Ethan, Claire and Brooke who were also sitting at the table. Brooke got the hint right away and excused herself while Ethan didn't catch on until Brooke nudged him while she was getting up from the table.

Claire on the other hand just glared angrily at him and didn't move to leave until Kate silently urged her to go. As soon as everyone was out of earshot Kate said "OK what is it Gordo?"

"When are you going to visit Miranda?"

"I already did a couple times."

"Yeah but that was while she was in a coma. Now that she's awake you should visit her again."

"Why should I, you know that Miranda hates me."

"No she doesn't" Gordo said emphatically then almost qualified that statement. "Not really. Granted she doesn't exactly like you Kate but she doesn't really hate you either." Gordo paused to think of how to say what he was thinking with out giving the wrong impression. "Look the reason she doesn't like you is because of the way you used to treat her, me and Lizzie the last few years."

"So what, that still doesn't explain what difference it would make to visit Miranda now."

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Gordo waited a few seconds then after it was clear that Kate wasn't going to respond he said "Look I know you haven't been sleeping well ever since Miranda jumped and you look like crap because of it. I'm not the only one who's noticed it either cause all your friends are getting worried about you Kate. I figure that you're still having those nightmares you told me about a few weeks ago. I bet that if you go see Miranda now that she's awake the nightmares will stop and you'll be able to get some sleep."

"I was planning on going to see her after school school soon but I bet that wasn't everything you wanted to talk to me about was it" Kate said with a smug look on her face. The look on Gordo's face told Kate that she was right.

Gordo wondered how Kat had known that. He had originally planned on asking her if she knew why Lizzie didn't seem to want him around as much and didn't want to be alone with him when he was around. But when it came time to ask he had chickened out and brought up the thing about Kate not visiting Miranda because he was afraid of what the answer to his original question would be.

"Kate do you know why Lizzie doesn't want me around as much and when I am she doesn't want to be alone with me?"

While Lizzie had never actually told her why directly she had discussed Gordo with her quite a few times and by now Kate had a pretty good idea of what the answer to his question was. Part of the answer was obvious but the problem was that the more important part of the answer she couldn't tell him without betraying Lizzie's trust in her and breaking a promise she had made. "Um Gordo for a smart guy you can be pretty dumb sometimes. There are two reasons why and one is pretty obvious while the other is the same reason she broke up with you, which is something I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone especially you."

"OK so what's the obvious reason?"

"Well ever since she was raped and almost killed by a bunch of men she doesn't want to be alone with any men. So she is scared to have any men or boys around unless there's another girl there. She doesn't even want to be alone with her dad."

Gordo seemed a little surprised at that especially the last part. "I sure hope she gets over that soon or else she's going to be scared a lot since half the worlds population is male." He thought a second before saying "Can you at least give me a hint about the other thing?" Gordo waited for a few seconds but when Kate didn't respond he continued "Well I've asked Lizzie why she broke up with me several times but all she's said was that it was all her fault and that it wasn't because of me or anything I did."

For almost a minute Kate thought about it before she said "Are you familiar with the stories King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?"

Gordo was clearly surprised by that answer. "Yeah I've heard of them but I never read them because I was never very interested in stuff like that."

Kate was relieved by his answer since this was a hint that she could give him without directly telling him anything. He'd have to do some research to learn what she meant by that. Even that might not be enough but since both his parents were psychologists they'd probably help him figure it out. After thinking about how to put it Kate said "Well to Lizzie you're Galahad."

"I'm Galahad. What does that mean?"

"I can't answer that Gordo, not without breaking a promise I made to Lizzie." After saying that she got up and left him alone to think about it.

After school that day Kate went to visit Miranda just like she told Gordo she would in fact she even gave him a ride there. When they entered her room Miranda was surprised to see Kate there.

"Whoa I never expected to see you show up Kate" Miranda said a few seconds after they entered the room.

"I didn't really want to but I had to come and besides Gordo insisted that I visit you soon. I'll leave if you don't want me here."

"No don't leave Kate. We gotta talk and I guess now is as good a time as any."

Gordo felt a little out of place and even though he was interested in hearing what they had to say he said "I'll leave if you guys want to talk privately."

For a few seconds both girls thought about the offer before Miranda replied "Would you, please."

"Sure no problem, I'll just go to the cafeteria and get a snack then I'll get started on some research." he said then picked up his back pack. As he did so a book fell out onto the floor which he quickly picked up and shoved back then left. Even though he'd been quick about Kate had time enough to notice that it was a copy of "King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table " that he'd checked out from the school library.

After Gordo left there was an uncomfortable silence for several seconds. Miranda pressed the button raising the head of the bed so she was in a sitting position. "I'll be glad when they cut this thing off me and give a smaller cast instead." As she spoke Miranda indicated the cast that not only immobilized her broken arm but also the shoulder giving her collar bone a chance to heal properly as well.

"It does look uncomfortable" Kate said as she sat down.

Miranda fidgeted nervously as she said "Let me guess, you want to talk to me about the rumor I started about Lizzie. Isn't it." Miranda grimaced at the memory of what she had done to her best friend and it's consequences. "Before you say anything I want to say that you were absolutely right when you told me that Lizzie had a secret and would probably share it with me even when she knew that she shouldn't because I can't keep other peoples secrets." The whole time she spoke Miranda couldn't bear to look Kate in the eye. "What make it even worse is that Lizzie doesn't even blame me for it, She blames herself for it even when it is my fault."

"That's just like her to do that" Kate commented. "Everything you just said is true but that's not why I came here today."

"It isn't." Miranda was totally surprised by what Kate had just said.

"No it isn't." Now Kate's turn to fidget nervously. "The day you jumped out the window I was looking for you at lunchtime because earlier I had heard that rumor about Lizzie that only you could've started. I was really mad at you and was going to let you have it. I was so mad that I was thinking that you should just kill yourself so you couldn't do anything like that again. Then not even a minute later I look up for some reason and I saw you jump out the window."

As Kate spoke she could almost see Miranda falling to the ground and she could almost hear her bones breaking. The sight of Miranda lying on the ground looking as if she was dead filled Kate's mind for a second or two. "It was horrible Miranda, it was absolutely horrible. You landed just a few feet in front of me and I could hear your bones breaking and everything. You looked like you were dead. Ever since then I've had nightmares about it." Kate noticed that while talking she had clenched her fists so hard that her knuckles were white. As she relaxed her hands she added "I don't think I'll ever wish that anyone was dead ever again."

Miranda had never even thought about how her suicide would affect the people let alone anyone else when she had decided to end her life. Then after seeing how it affected her family, Lizzie and Gordo Miranda realized that she'd been incredibly selfish and stupid when she'd done that. Now finding out how it had affected Kate she found that her decision had affected more people than she had imagined.

"Kate, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or anybody else when I decided to kill myself. I thought that it would fix my mistakes. Instead it just made things worse and I'm really sorry about that."

"When you said you'd never wish that anyone was dead did you mean even the men who raped and tried to kill Lizzie" Miranda asked after a few seconds.

Kate thought about that before saying "I don't know. Sometimes I think they deserve to die for what they did Other times I think killing them wouldn't be punishment enough. I want them to suffer a long time for what they did to her."

"I guess you're right Kate." Miranda thought about what had happened Friday night when Lizzie had stayed overnight with her. "Kate on Friday night Lizzie stayed with me because she'd hurt herself earlier and the doctor wanted to keep her overnight to make sure she was OK. That night she had a terrible nightmare that woke me up because she talking loudly and thrashing around a lot. Eventually she woke up screaming and she looked absolutely terrified by it. Just seeing and hearing that scared the crap out of me. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for Lizzie." Miranda paused a couple seconds to settle her nerves. "The next day when I had the chance I told her mom about it and she told me that ever since she was found Lizzie's had those nightmares almost every night."

"Lizzie's mom told me that she'd been having nightmares," Kate said in a concerned tone, "but I had no idea that they were that bad."

"Kate did you see the news bulletin that came on just before Green Valley ended Friday?"

"Yeah" Kate replied while nodding her head. "What about it?"

"Well I saw it with Lizzie and she was really upset by it. She told me that she doesn't want to even think about what happened to her let alone talk about it like everyones trying to get her to do. She says that she just wants to forget about the whole thing and pretend that it never happened."

"That doesn't surprise me considering that she's refused to say anything about it to me." As Kate spoke something clicked in her mind and she knew why Lizzie was acting that way. "You know Miranda I bet Lizzie really wants to talk about it but I bet she doesn't want to burden any of us with it. That is so like her to do something like that."

"You're probably right Kate but I think that she's also afraid. The last time she told people about John had done to her look what happened afterwards. I bet she's afraid that if she talks about what happened this time even worse things will happen."

As Kate thought about what she'd just heard a look of surprise came over Miranda before she said "Oh my God! I never thought that anything like this would happen." Kate just stared at her with a puzzled look. "The way we've been talking just now. I never imagined that we would talk like this."

"Huh, what do you mean?"

"We've been talking like we're friends."

"You know Miranda there's no reason why we can't be friends."


	27. Lizzie Talks A Little

_**A/N:** Sorry for the long delay and please excuse any errors since this chapter hasn't been proof read._

While Miranda and Kate were talking Lizzie was at the mental health clinic waiting for her Monday afternoon appointment with her therapist Dr. Wilkerling. While waiting she tried to read one of the magazines that was in the waiting room but she couldn't focus on the article she was trying to read because she couldn't stop thinking about all that had happened to her in the past month. She wanted so badly to talk to some one about what had happened while at the same time she just wanted to lock it away in a dark corner of her mind and forget that it had ever happened just like she had done before. Most of all she was just plain scared. Scared of what people would think of her, scared of what it already was doing to everyone but she was mostly scared of what talking about it would might do to her friends and family.

Even though she'd only been seeing her twice a week for just a few weeks Lizzie was already feeling fairly comfortable with her. So when she met with her today Lizzie was much more relaxed than during her previous appointments. After Lizzie seated herself in one of the chairs while Dr. Wilkerling was reading a file that she assumed was hers the doctor closed the file she turned then picked up her notepad and sat in the other chair next to her.

For the next 20 minutes of the session things proceeded like they usually did with Lizzie talking about anything and everything except what was really bothering her. As she had decided to do before the session began Dr. Wilkerling decided to force the issue. Then at the first opportunity she started the process by saying "So Lizzie I suppose that you've heard the news about all the arrests the police have made in your case over the weekend. How do you feel about it?"

She hesitated a few seconds before answering "I don't know," she said in a bewildered tone. "Everybody seems to think that I should be happy about it but when I saw the news Friday it just made me feel worse than I already felt. Then when they showed my name and picture on the screen while talking about it it seemed like they were reminding everyone about the disgusting and dirty things I did. Then they wouldn't even say the name of the person who had turned himself in I felt like they were making it seem like I was the one who'd done something wrong." Lizzie waited a few seconds for a response but when there wasn't one she sighed then said "I guess everyone thinks I should feel happy about it but I don't. I feel kinda like I did when the police showed my mom and dad pictures of me having sex with John and his friends. I feel like I should be the one getting in trouble." Lizzie had no problems with sharing that since other people already knew about it.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because when I looked it up on the Internet I found out that it's against the law for kids to have sex with grown-ups just like John told me." Lizzie said in a somewhat frustrated tone. "When the police catch you the grown-ups might go to jail for a while but you never hear about the kids ever again. It's like they just get rid of the kids by putting them in jail forever or killing them. At least that's what I used to believe but now it just seems like people just forget about them. All you hear about the kids involved is whether they're a girl or boy and their age and nothing else. It's like everyone just wants to forget about the kids who have sex with grownups. I guess what I did this time was so terrible that they want everyone to know what I did and how horrible I am."

While she'd been talking Lizzie had clenched her fists so tightly that her knuckles were white and her fingernails were starting to cut into her palms. Lizzie stopped long enough to take a couple of deep breaths and relaxed a bit. As she did that a tear rolled down her cheek while she considered adding what her mom had told her almost a week before. "My mom and dad keep telling me that that's not the way it is and my mom even showed me letters from people that she got when I was missing and in the hospital that agree with what she's been telling me. Then when I start to believe that it might be true something like the news conference happens and I don't know what to believe."

While listening to what Lizzie said about how she felt Dr. Wilkerling was reminded that while those feelings were well documented and very common in child rape and sexual abuse victims, it didn't make any less traumatic or any easier for the victims. When she went back to med school for her post graduate education Dr. Wilkerling had specialized in that field after seeing first hand how devastating it was to the kids in her own childhood as well as during her internship at a mental health clinic. The only good thing about Lizzie's case was that she was a girl made her chances of a full recovery were better than if she had been a boy. This was due to the fact that girls were much easier to treat than boys were simply because they were more open to talking about it than boys were.

Dr. Wilkerling was glad that Lizzie was starting to open up with her because it meant she was taking the first steps in the healing process and she wanted to encourage it. "Lizzie I can understand why you might see it that way but grownups don't see it that way at all and I bet your friends don't either. I know this is hard for you to believe right now but the way adults see it you've done nothing wrong."

Lizzie looked puzzled after hearing that but after few seconds pause she said in response. "That's what my mom and everyone else is telling me but it doesn't feel that way to me. Every time I had sex I felt like I had done something terribly wrong and that I was a horrible person for doing it. What makes it worse is the fact that I can't even do anything to keep it from happening again. I feel so helpless and I hate it. I ..." Lizzie started to say the she hated herself being so helpless but she decided not to at the last moment.

When she heard that Dr. Wilkerling knew that what she wanted to talk to Lizzie's mom about was exactly the right thing. "I bet you hate that feeling of helplessness. That's not surprising since most people do." she said as she wrote something on her note pad. Lizzie's only response to that was nodding her head in agreement. "Now before you go there's something I want to talk to you about."

Lizzie braced herself for bad news when she heard that because as far as she knew nothing good ever followed the the words 'there's something I want to talk to you about.' She tensed up as she tried to think of what it might be that Dr. Wilkerling had to say.

"On your last couple visits you asked about when you could go back to school and I told you that it would be better for you to wait but I never told you why. Your parents have kept me advised of the number and severity of your flashbacks and emotional outbursts and I have to ask, do you really want your classmates to see that?"

Lizzie had a feeling that might be the reason why she hadn't been allowed to go back to school. What she hadn't thought about last last part but now that Dr. Wilkerling brought it up she knew that she definitely want other people to see it. She felt bad enough about what they already knew from the news and the rumors that Miranda had started. Lizzie's thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Wilkerling saying "Do you really think that you're ready to go back to school?"

Almost immediately Lizzie started to say that she was, but before she said anything she reconsidered it. It was bad enough when her parents saw her having the flashbacks and outbursts, she sure as hell didn't want anyone else seeing her have one of them. She also didn't want to be alone at home with nothing to keep her mind off of what had happened to her. "I want to go back to school but I don't know if I'm really ready or not."

"That's a good answer Lizzie. While it would be best for you to go back to school as soon as you can I think you should wait at least until the holidays are over just to make sure you're ready. In the mean time I think that you ought to get a tutor to help you get caught up with everything you've missed. What do you think?"

Now that there was a plan for her returning to school Lizzie felt like maybe not being in school wouldn't be so bad. Then after a few seconds thought she said "I think I'd like that but do I really need a tutor? I mean my friends have already been helping me with the schoolwork, couldn't they help me get caught up?"

"I think its great that your friends been helping you out but I really do think you should get a professional tutor as well because you've already missed quite a bit of school. You'd be surprised how fast a good tutor who really understands the subjects can get you caught up. I once had a patient who had missed almost three months of school and in a little over a month of work with a good tutor he not only caught up with his work, he was ahead of the rest of his classmates in most of his classes by the time he went back to school."

Lizzie's eye's widened in surprise when she heard that. "Maybe I should get a tutor. I bet Miranda will need one too."

Dr. Wilkerling wondered who Miranda was since Lizzie hadn't said anything about her during any of their sessions. "Who's Miranda?" She had heard on the news about a girl named Miranda who had attempted suicide recently and hoped that it wasn't the same person even though she suspected it was.

"Miranda Sanchez, she's my best friend." Lizzie hesitated a bit trying to decide how much to say about the Miranda's situation. "She's been out of school almost as long as me. She was hurt real bad and has been in the hospital but when I was visiting her earlier today she said that she might be going home soon." She figured that it would be best not to go into any details about it since that would eventually lead to questions she didn't want to answer.

Dr. Wilkerling saw that Lizzie had a lot of conflicting feelings about her friend. "I'm sure she will. Another thing I wanted to talk to you about is group sessions. How would you feel about participating in some group sessions with other kids your age?"

Lizzie was totally surprised by the question because it was something she would have never thought of. Could it be possible that there were other kids out there like her. Her first inclination was to dismiss that possibility but the matter of fact manner in which the question had been asked made her consider it. She wondered if it were really possible there to be other kids who had gone through similar things like she had in Hillridge. She shook her head yes while saying, " I guess I could give it a try at least."

She considered what Lizzie had told her today about feeling helpless and decided to say "Lizzie

you just told me a little bit ago how you feel helpless and how you hated it." Lizzie nodded in agreement as soon as she said that. "Have you considered taking lessons in self defense?" When Lizzie nodded her head ever so slightly in response to the question she continued on that subject. "If you're interested I know someone who can help you with that. He's a master of Shorinji Kempo and he teaches self defense classes on weekends."

"What's shorink ... suringe .... that?"

"It a martial art that's a mixture of kung fu and kempo karate which he teaches in addition it to his basic self defense classes."

A glimmer of hope showed Lizzie's eyes when she heard that and all she could say was, "Do you think I should?"

"What do you think you should do?"

"Well a few years ago just before I started junior high I wanted to take some kung fu classes but my mom said I couldn't even though my dad thought it was a good idea. She said that it was too dangerous and that I could get hurt. So yeah, I think I should and I want to, but my mom probably won't let me."

Dr. Wilkerling pulled a pad of paper out of her desk then wrote something on it while saying "I want you to talk to your mother & father about taking self defense classes tonight. Here is a prescription for self defense classes," as she said that Dr. Wilkerling handed Lizzie the piece of paper, "for you to show them just in case you need to. Now why don't you take a seat in the waiting room while I talk with your mother." As she left the room Lizzie heard Dr. Wilkerling say on the phone. "Lisa would you send in Mrs. McGuire."

As Lizzie entered the waiting room her mom was on the way to Dr. Wilkerling office but she had paused long enough to tell her that it would only be a few minutes. When she sat down she picked up  
a magazine off one of the waiting room tables. At first she actually tried to read it but quit when she couldn't find an article that she was actually interested in. As she browsed through the other magazines but discarding one after another Lizzie wondered what her mom and Dr. Wilkerling were talking about. It was obvious that they were discussing her but what exactly were they saying she could only guess. When her mom hadn't reappeared after five minutes Lizzie's fear began to get the better of her. She imagined that the doctor was telling her mom that she was a lost cause and not worth the effort. It didn't matter to her that everything her parents, her friends and Dr. Wilkerling had been telling her recently was the exact opposite of what she was thinking, deep down inside herself Lizzie felt worthless.

As the minutes went by Lizzie became more and more convinced that her worst fears were true. For a few fleeting moments she considered just getting up and running away right then. Just as quickly as that thought came she dismissed it because she knew that whatever her mom and Dr. Wilkerling were planning for would be merciful compared to what the rest of the world would do to her. She knew very well that horrible things, things worse than death, could happen to her. Then just as she felt like she wouldn't be able to stand it any more she saw her mom come out.

Lizzie got up and started to go stand next to her mother but stopped when she saw her writing a check to give the receptionist. She heard her mom asking about the group therapy that Dr. Wilkerling had mentioned during the session and how much it would cost. When she heard how much it would cost in addition to her regular sessions she terrible about it. Up until then she had given no thought about how much she was costing her parents. A few moments after that she wondered how much the hospital and doctor bills were. She knew from overhearing her dad complaining about medical bills in the past that that kind of stuff was expensive. Now she felt guilty about costing her parents so much money. She put her hands in her pockets in her effort to make herself as small and unnoticeable as possible. She wanted so desperately to disappear right then but, as luck would have it, that was when her mom turned to her and said "Come on Lizzie, it's time to go home."

As they rode home in silence Lizzie wanted to say something to express how sorry she was for all that had happened and how much it was costing. She wanted to say how ashamed she was of all the terrible things she had done. She also wanted to explain how terribly afraid she was. She was afraid not only for her own life but also for how what had happened affected her family and friends. She wanted so desperately to tell her mom and dad all of that and more but whenever she tried to the words just wouldn't come. Because of all this and more Lizzie wished that she could just disappear somewhere where no one would ever find her.

Once they got home Lizzie spent the next few hours moping and feeling sorry for herself. She tried watching TV, playing video games and reading to take her mind off her problems but it was useless. She alternated between working up the courage to ask her mom and dad for at least the basic self defense lessons even though she really wanted take the kung fu/karate class instead. She would build her argument for why she needed to take those in addition to the prescription that Dr. Wilkerling had given her. But each time she started to go talk to her mom about it she start thinking of all the problems she was causing for her family and friends. She was sure that her medical and therapy bills were costing her parents quite a bit so how could she ask them about taking the lessons. She was so preoccupied by this that she didn't even notice Matt's attempts at tormenting her that afternoon, which in turn left him infuriated and confused.

Just before dinner when Lizzie went into the kitchen to talk to her mom and about the lessons with the prescription in hand. As she walked in with all those doubts eating away at her resolve Lizzie heard he mom say in a sharp angry tone "Sam we can not afford this now. Not now, not wi…...." Mrs. McGuire stopped as soon as she noticed Lizzie. She quickly said in a hushed voice but not quiet that Lizzie didn't quite hear but she saw the angry look her mom flashed her dad as she said it. "What is it Lizzie" she asked while trying to keep the anger she was obviously felt out of her voice.

Lizzie realized then that her parents had been arguing about something and she was sure that she was that something. She knew that she couldn't possibly ask them to spend more money on her now. Her mind raced as she tried to think of a plausible answer to her mom's question. Her first thought was to ask when dinner would be ready, but now what little appetite had had was gone. There was no way she could eat dinner now so she said "I just wanted to tell you that I'm not hungry and you don't need to set a place for me tonight. I just want to get a soda to take up to my room." She quickly went over to the refrigerator crumpling up the paper in her hand on the way. As she opened the 'fridge Lizzie tossed the crumpled up prescription into the trash can. She quickly grabbed the first can of soda that she saw then hurried to her room so her parents wouldn't see her start crying.

A couple hours later after what seemed like an eternity Lizzie had managed to stop crying and get her emotions under control she picked up the unopened soda. It wasn't until after she'd opened it that she noticed that it was one of her mom's diet sodas, which she hated. After setting it down on her nightstand Lizzie retrieved her diary from it's new hiding place and a pencil from her desk. When she opened it she noticed that it had been weeks since she had made her last entry. When she read what she had written just a little over a month ago it seemed as if those words written years ago by a different girl. She had written about how good it felt to not be keeping secrets from her friends and how much she was looking forward to the 15th birthday party she had planned. There was even a list of guests that she'd planned to invite to the party. As she read that she remembered her mom had said that even though her birthday had already come and gone, she could still have the party anytime she wanted to. Lizzie had decided to wait until Miranda was home and able to come to the party before having it. She still wanted so badly to have the party but now it was just one more thing that she didn't dare ask her parents to spend more money on. Then she crossed out the guest list and wrote 'canceled' in big block letters over it. Moments later Lizzie heard a knock on her door just before it opened enough for her mom to stick her head in.

Her mom said "Can I come in?"

Lizzie knew from experience that what her mom really meant was that she wanted to talk to her and wasn't going to take no for an answer, so she nodded her head and said "Yeah I guess so."

Mrs. McGuire entered the room carrying a tray with a plate of food and a glass of milk on it. "I know you said you weren't hungry but I brought your dinner just in case you changed your mid."

As her mom set the tray down next to her on the bed Lizzie noticed that her dad was standing in the hall just outside her door with a very sad and worried look on his face. "Thanks mom." Lizzie replied automatically as she looked at what was on the tray, which she more to look away from her dad than to see what her mom brought up. On the plate was fried chicken, carrots, mashed potatoes and gravy. When she reached for the glass of milk so she could transfer it to the nightstand before it got spilled Lizzie notice the wrinkled piece of paper on the tray next to the plate. After moving the glass to the she picked up the paper even though she had a good idea what it was already.

As Lizzie was picking it up her mom said "Your father found it on the floor next to the trash can." As she said that Mr. McGuire had quietly entered the room. "Is this what you've been wanting to talk to me about ever since we left Dr. Wilkerling's office?"

Lizzie looked at the paper to confirm that is was the the prescription she had thrown away earlier. When she saw that it was she nodded her head yes, not daring to say so out loud.

Mr. McGuire moved the chair at Lizzie's desk and sat in it so he could look his daughter in the eye, while Mrs. McGuire sat on the bed next to her, before saying "Why didn't you?"

Before Lizzie could respond Mrs. McGuire added "Honey, you know that you can talk to us about anything, anything at all."

"I wanted to but when I saw you paying the bill for my therapy today and then I heard how much the group sessions will cost, I realized that all my medical bills and stuff must cost a lot." As she spoke Lizzie couldn't bear to look either of her parents in the eyes so looked down at her hands as she spoke. "I never thought about that before but now that I have I figure that its a whole lot of money. Now that I know that, how can I ask you guys to spend more on me."

Her mom reached out and gently raised Lizzie's head so she was looking her in the eyes and said "Listen honey, we don't care how much it costs, all we want is to help you get through this and we're willing to pay whatever it costs. The only thing you have to do is doing whatever it takes to get better and don't worry about the money, that's our job. "

"But I heard you guys arguing about it in the kitchen earlier."

"Lizzie that had nothing to do about money or what happened to you, OK. So don't worry about it." Mrs. McGuire pointed to the prescription Lizzie was holding and said "Now do you want to take the self defense lessons?"

The corners of Lizzie's mouth turned up slightly as a glimmer of hope returned to her. "Yes, no, well yes, kinda."

"Well what is it?" Mr. McGuire said with a slightly confused look on his face.

"I do want to learn ho to defend myself, but I don't want to take the basic self defense class. I want to take the kung fu class he teaches instead." Lizzie turned the prescription over to show the phone number the Dr. Wilkerling had written on the back. "Please mom can I take that instead. I know you said no the last time I asked but I really want to do this."

Mrs. McGuire hated the thought of her daughter learning how fight because learning how to fight was also learning how to hurt other people. Since she was a confirmed pacifist she was against any form of violence. She had vowed to herself when she was pregnant that she would raise her child as a pacifist. Now she had difficulty in reconciling the anger, hatred and the desire to hurt those who had committed such acts of violence that had previously unthinkable to her. Now she was caught with the dilemma of keeping her vow and upholding her beliefs with allowing her daughter to learn how to fight in an effort help her recover from the hellish ordeal the she had gone through. "I need to think about it honey, I'll let you know what I decide tomorrow morning. OK sweetie."

"OK mom." Lizzie said in an even tone trying to hide her feeling of disappointment.

Mrs. McGuire hadn't missed it though and she almost gave in right then. She decided that it would be best to leave so she could think about it without any distractions. As she got up she noticed Lizzie's diary, which she had moved out of the way when sitting down. As she picked it up she noticed the page that it was opened to had a list of names that had been crossed out and the word canceled written across it. She couldn't help taking a closer look at and saw that it was a list of guest for the 15th birthday party that Lizzie had planned but never had. As she handed the diary to Lizzie she said "Lizzie, we want you to have the party and you can have it any time you want."

As her mom head for the door Lizzie's dad leaned in close and whispered "Don't worry Lizzie, she'll agree to let you take those lessons. Just give her a little time"

As they shut the bedroom door behind them Lizzie thought that maybe things weren't as bad as she had thought they were. Then she picked up the diary and took another look at the party plans. She started to make some notes before deciding that she needed some help and picked up the phone to call Kate.


	28. Lizzie's Midnight Surprise

_**A/N: **Due to the the intensely painful memories that were awakened in the process, this chapter has been one of the most difficult for me to write so far. I hope you like it._

Over the next few days Lizzie made and remade plans for her belated birthday party. She had spent hours with Miranda and Kate discussing those plans. Originally she had planned on having it in the backyard with about 30 guests consisting equal numbers of boys and girls. There was going to be lots of music and dancing in addition to the traditional opening of gift, cake and ice cream. Now Lizzie kept changing her mind between a dance party with a long guest list or a theme party similar to what Ethan Craft had done shortly before the end of the last school year with a much shorter guest list of almost all girls. Both Miranda and Kate preferred the dance party idea but understood why Lizzie might want to have a smaller party. The one thing Lizzie had made clear in each of her plans was that the party wouldn't be held until Miranda would be able to attend.

A couple days later Miranda had mixed feelings about Lizzie's insistence of putting off having the party until she was able to go. While it made her feel good it also made her feel that much worse about what she had done to her best friend. After all her friends were done visiting with her she said "Mom, last Friday when Lizzie got hurt and had to stay here over night something happened that I don't understand."

"What was that?"

"We were watching TV when there was a special news report about one of the people who kidnapped and raped her being arrested. She seemed really upset about it and when I asked her what was wrong she talked about it she seemed confused about what bothered her about the news bulletin. She did say several time that it was her fault that it had happened." Miranda looked genuinely confused about it as she spoke. "How can she think it's her fault when it was mine?"

"Miranda, honey, what happened to Lizzie wasn't your fault and it wasn't Lizzie's either. Neither of you should blame yourselves for it because it is the fault of the people who did those horrible things to her and nobody else's. Do you understand me, it's not your fault mija."

Miranda nodded her head yes but it was clear that she didn't fully believe that yet. After a minute of silence Miranda asked "Is she going to be OK? That night she was here she had some horrible nightmares. Twice she woke me up with her talking and screaming. It scared me just hearing it and I imagine that it must have been worse for her. When she woke up she wouldn't talk to me about it at all."

"Miranda, Mrs. McGuire told me that she hasn't talked to anyone about it yet. Just give her time and she'll talk about it when she's ready to." Mrs. Sanchez had a sad look on her face as she thought about everything that had happened in their lives recently. "Miranda we have to talk about what you did."

Miranda looked in her mom's eyes then shifted he gaze down towards her chin. "I know what I did to Lizzie was wrong and that I should be punished."

"Yes what you did to her was wrong but that's not exactly what I want to talk about right now." The look on Miranda's face when she heard that was one of both surprise and fear mixed together. "It's about how you two are acting towards each other right now."

Miranda was clearly puzzled by that. "Huh, what do you mean? We're getting along just like we always have."

"That's just it baby. Both of you're trying to pretend that nothing has changed between you two."

"What's wrong with that mom?"

"Everything mija, everything. Look pretending that nothings changed and every thing's alright between you two will only work for a little while then it could very likely destroy your friendship."

Miranda just lay there with a look of disbelief on her face not daring to say anything. After a few seconds her mother answered her unspoken questions."You mentioned it yourself just a few minutes ago. Lizzie's been through a series of very traumatic experiences and it going to take her a long time to really get over it. One of the worst of them is almost certainly was your betrayal of her trust in you. How would you feel if Lizzie did something like that and you heard her doing it?"

"I'd feel terrible. I guess it would be kinda like if she hit me in the face with a baseball bat for no reason."

"Exactly and the longer you girls avoid dealing with it the worse it's going to be when you finally do."

"How do you know that mom? Maybe it'll be different for me and Lizzie."

"No it won't be different and I know that because when I was a couple years older than you are now something similar happened between me and my best friend Mariah. We tried to pretend nothing had changed between us but it wasn't long before we were no longer friends. Since then hardly a day doesn't go by that I don't regret it."

"What happened?"

"Well I had trusted her with a secret that I didn't want anyone else to know, especially the other kids at school." Mrs. Sanchez paused as the pain of the memory washed over her.

"And she blabbed about just like I did with Lizzie's secret, didn't she mom."

"Yes she did. My secret being found out by the other kids hurt pretty bad but Mariah's betraying my trust in her hurt a lot worse. At first we didn't talk or anything but after a few weeks we missed each other so much that we tried to pretend that it hadn't happened. It worked fine for a couple of months but since we never really dealt with it the consequences of our actions slowly destroyed our friendship. To this day, even though we still haven't reconciled our differences, I miss her. I don't want to see that happen to you and Lizzie."

"I've tried apologizing to her but she keeps saying that I have nothing to apologize for because it was all her fault."

"Miranda apologies aren't enough, you both need to talk about it and how it made you feel. When you do start talking to her about it she most likely won't want to say anything and you'll probably be the only one talking about it at first. I just don't want you to get discouraged and quit if she doesn't respond to it right away."

Miranda nodded her head yes as much as she was able to then said "I guess I can do that."

"Good honey. Both of you have had been through a time but I want you to remember that Lizzie's ordeal was much worse and her recovery is probably going to take longer than yours will. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect things to get back to normal any time soon. OK baby."

Miranda lay there thinking about her mom had just said and, judging from what little she knew about it, she had to agree that Lizzie's horrifying ordeal had been much worse than her own. Miranda was ashamed of her role in the events the led to that. She had betrayed her best friend's trust. A trust that, even though she had neither earned nor deserved, freely given solely because of that friendship.

"Mom, when can I go home?" Miranda's voice had frightened tone with a hint of desperation in it as she spoke. "I hate it here and I really want to go home.'

Mrs. Sanchez hugged her daughter and said "I know you do, I know you do We all want you to come home as soon as you can baby."

"Do you know when?"

"I don't know but the doctor said the he'd have an answer for us today."

Almost immediately after Mrs. Sanchez said that the doctor entered the room followed by a nurse pushing a cart loaded with equipment and supplies. "I have some good news and some even better news. First the results from your tests and x-rays show that you're doing much better young lady. Well enough for us to change that cast to a smaller and lighter one." " He paused for a second before continuing. "The second is that as soon as you're finished getting that new cast you can go home."

A few hours later Miranda was home and Lizzie was eager to go visit her friend. Lizzie had wanted to go over to Miranda's house right away but her mom said that she should wait until after breakfast in the morning before going over to visit. She had to settle for talking with Miranda on the phone for a while before getting ready for bed.

That night Lizzie felt like it would be impossible to get to sleep but it wasn't long before her medications took effect and she was fast asleep. As she slept Lizzie dreamed of being with her friend but eventually they turned into melange of being repeatedly raped during her captivity. The sexual assault evolved into being stabbed by erect penises which change to knives and ending with being thrown in the trash to die. Her dream was unusually vivid this time though. It was so vivid that she could feel each violation of her body, smell the trash and garbage that she had lain in as she waited to die. She could even feel the strength leaving her body even as she had tried to call out for help while struggling to hang on to life.

She woke up in a cold sweat, her heart was racing and she was breathing in loud ragged gasps. She was shaking uncontrollably as she sat up in bed. Her body ached all over especially where she had been stabbed. They always did when she had nightmares like this one. Lizzie figured that she must not have made much noise during the nightmare since her mom and dad hadn't come rushing into her room by now. That was a good thing because she always felt terrible about disturbing them in the middle of the night.

She waited for the next couple minutes until the shaking stopped before getting out of bed. Lizzie thought about taking a quick shower to wash the sweat off of her and to help calm down but when she looked at her alarm clock the glowing LED display showed that it was just a few minutes past 4 am. If she took a shower now it would at least wake her mom and she'd have to explain about the nightmare. That was something she didn't really want to do because her mom would make a big fuss about it and make her take some of the medicine Dr. Wilkerling had prescribed to help prevent anxiety. While the medicine worked it also sometimes made her have really strange thoughts and dreams.

After giving the situation a few minutes thought Lizzie decided to at least take off the sweat soaked pajamas which were sticking to her and beginning to feel chilly. She turned on the lamp on her night stand the got up and stripped off wet pajamas. When she searched for some clean pajamas she found that there weren't any in her dresser. She also found that her mom had emptied the hamper in her room earlier that day which meant that she'd have to go down to the laundry room in the basement if she wanted some clean pajamas to wear. She decided to pass on that since going down to the basement at night had always creeped her out a little but was a hundred times creepier after a nightmare. She would rather sleep naked for one night than go down there right now.

When she got back into bed she couldn't relax because the nightmare was still fresh in her mind and she was afraid that it would start all over again once she got back to sleep. She decided that maybe taking some of that medicine for the nightmares and some of the pain pills might not be such a bad idea after all. She knew exactly where her mom kept them in the medicine cabinet in the kitchen so it would only take her a couple minutes to get them and come back to bed.

It wasn't until she was downstairs and halfway across the living room that Lizzie realized that she was naked. She stopped for a second or two as she considered going back upstairs to get some clothes on first. Then she figured that she might as well get the medicine then go back to bed because there would be less chance of waking someone up that way. She just had to be quiet. Once she was in the kitchen and had turned on the light she got a glass of water ready first before going to the medicine cabinet. As she looked for her medicine every little sound she made seemed loud enough to wake everyone in the house. Then when she didn't find what she was looking for right away Lizzie began to imagine that at any moment her dad would walk in on her. Eventually she found the right bottles and took her medications. When she was back in her bedroom she saw that it had taken just a little more than 10 minutes to do it.

While waiting for the medicine to begin working Lizzie thought about what she had just done and how much she had enjoyed it in spite of her fear of getting caught. In fact if it weren't for the fact that every time a guy had seen her naked in the past few years they fucked her even though she hadn't wanted them to, she liked being naked. She was sure that if her dad caught her naked and her mom wasn't around he'd rape her but she wasn't so sure about Matt. Lizzie was pretty sure that he wasn't big enough yet to force her to have sex with him yet even though she had caught him trying to see her naked more than once recently. She hadn't told her mom about that yet but she had thought about telling her. The only time she could recall being naked with men around and not being raped was in those weird dreams she had where she went to breakfast, dinner, shopping or school naked. As she thought about that she drifted off to sleep.

Little did Lizzie know that her mom had observed her late night trek into the kitchen. Mrs. McGuire had been tempted to confront her daughter right then but decided to spare her the embarrassment of being caught wandering through the house naked. She had gone to check on Lizzie and Matt like she always did whenever she woke up in the middle of the night. Matt had been sound asleep in his bed. When she checked Lizzie's room she had found the bed empty with the night stand light on and the still wet pajamas on the floor but no sign of Lizzie. First she had checked the bathroom in the hall then went downstairs. As soon as she saw that the kitchen light was on she figured that it was Lizzie.

She hadn't been surprised to find Lizzie in there but the fact that she was naked did surprise her. It only took her a moment to put all the clues together and realize that Lizzie must have had another bad nightmare. At first she wondered why Lizzie hadn't just put on some more pajamas when she remembered that she had emptied Lizzie's hamper after they got home from visiting Miranda in the hospital. She had washed the clothes but due to the excitement of the news of Miranda's going home she had forgotten to bring any of Lizzie's clean clothes back up to her room. That had left her daughter with practically nothing to wear except for the pajamas she had been wearing all afternoon. She saw no reason to embarrass her daughter when it was her fault she had nothing clean to wear.

She sat down in a dark corner of the living room and quietly waited until Lizzie had gone back upstairs. When she went into the kitchen she saw that Lizzie had left the medicine bottles on the counter next to a glass. After checking them she found that Lizzie must have had a nightmare just as she thought since she had taken a single dose of pain killers and anti-anxiety medication. "Well she's gonna be sleeping late this morning" she said out loud to herself.

Mrs. McGuire sighed as she looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 4:30 am. She decided to at least get some clothes up to Lizzie's room for her to wear in the morning. She went down to the basement to get some of Lizzie's things to bring up to her. What she found when she got down there made her very, very angry. All of Lizzie's clothes that she had washed were now all covered with a variety of sticky substances that were beginning to harden up which would make cleaning them much more difficult. "Matthew McGuire you are in so much trouble young man."

She went through the clothes to see which ones would be the easiest to wash and found that over half of them were hopelessly stained and or otherwise damaged by the substances most of which were syrups, honey and sticky sauces but some of them had glue on them as well. Even the easiest of them to clean would take many hours of work to get them clean enough to wear. This stunt could only be her son's latest effort to see his sister naked and embarrass her at the same time. So far she had been able to derail his plans successfully, she just hoped that Lizzie wasn't aware of his efforts. Her daughter had already been through enough lately and she didn't need any more crap like this forced on her as well. She went back up to the kitchen and decided to start a pot of coffee. She had a lot to do and little time to do it.

When Lizzie got up in the morning she found a note taped to the mirror on her vanity. It read :

Lizzie,

Don't bother looking for any clean clothes, there are none. I left you one of my bathrobes

for you to use. Your father and Matt aren't home so when you are ready just come downstairs and I'll make you some breakfast.

Love Mom

She looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 8:30 am. Even though it had been 4 hours since she took the medicines she could still feel the effects as if she had just taken them a little while ago. Lizzie ran the brush through her hair so that it was reasonably neat then went downstairs. Now that she knew that no one else was home except for her mom she decided to not waste any time now that she was up. She made a quick stop in the bathroom then went down to the kitchen.

"Good morning mom."

"Good morning honey." Mrs. McGuire said as she turned towards her daughter. She was not really surprised when she saw that Lizzie had not used the robe she left for her. "I see that you found the robe I left for you."

"I don't like the way it fits but I don't have anything else to wear." It was easy to see why since the robe Lizzie was wearing was the one her mom had worn when pregnant with Matt. It fit her like a tent which made her seem even smaller than she was.

"Lizzie there's something I want to talk to you about."

"What is it mom?"

"You had one of those nightmares again last night and you came downstairs and got some of your medicine for it didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did," she admitted hoping that her mom hadn't seen her walking around naked. "How did you know?"

"Well you did leave the medicine bottles on the counter plus I saw you getting the medicine out of the cabinet."

Lizzie blushed when she heard her mom say that. "Am I in trouble?"

"No you're not in trouble. Especially not about being naked part. That was my fault and I want to apologize to you for that. I had washed all your clothes but I forgot to bring any of them back up to your room. I'm sorry about that."

"I guess so, but what if I liked being naked in private without any boys around, like now?"

"What do you mean when you say you like being naked?"

"Well last night I was so comfortable after taking my sweat soaked pajamas off that I forgot that I was naked until I was almost to the kitchen when I came down to get the medicine. I also found that it was really comfortable sleeping naked.. Then when I found out that it was just you and me home I was tempted to not wear this robe. Does it mean that I'm weird to like that?"

"No it doesn't. A lot of people like being nude. But you are right it should only be done in private when you feel comfortable about being nude." Mrs. McGuire anticipated what Lizzie was going to say next and went on to say "For example I don't care what you're wearing just as long as you're comfortable."

"So if I wanted to take off this robe you wouldn't mind?"

"If you're comfortable with out it I don't mind." Mrs. McGuire was pretty sure that Lizzie was bluffing and had only said that to see what her reaction would. Although she had also been advised by Dr. Wilkerling to expect uncharacteristic behavior from Lizzie during her recovery and that as long as the behavior not harmful to anyone she should let her indulge in the behavior since it was most likely a coping mechanism. When Lizzie didn't do anything she knew that Lizzie had been bluffing.

Lizzie didn't do anything except draw the robe a little tighter around herself and sniffed deeply at the fabric. "This feels so warm and cuddly and it smells good. I kinda like it." She paused a moment then said "Am I in trouble for taking the medicine with out asking?"

"No you're not in trouble about the medicine but I need to know when you have some of it in the middle of the night so I don't give you more in the morning and accidentally give you too much medicine. Thats why I want you to tell me when you do have one of those nightmares or at least write me a note so I don't accidentally give you an overdose. I know you didn't want to bother me about it and you were trying be considerate and I appreciate it. I just want you to know that you can come to me any time of the day or night about stuff like that. I mean it you can come to me anytime at all."

"I understand and I'll make sure to tell you right away the next time."

"Now what do you want for breakfast?"

"Can I have some scrambled eggs with toast?"

"Sure Lizzie I'll get started on it right away?"

"While you're fixing the eggs I guess I can go down and get some of my clothes you washed yesterday and start putting them away."

As Lizzie got up to go to the basement her mom said "About that honey don't bother because your brother ruined just about all your clothes last night."

"What, how, why?" Lizzie was livid as she spoke then she quickly went down to the basement to see the damage for herself. When she came back up a few minutes later she had calmed down by then and before her mom had a chance to say anything she said "I bet he was trying to make it so he could see me naked. He's been trying to do that ever since I came home from Italy."

"You knew and didn't tell me." Mrs. McGuire said out of habit. When she saw the hurt look on Lizzie's face she quickly added "I'm sorry Lizzie I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I had just hoped that your father and I could handle it with out your finding out. It's not unusual for a boy to try doing that to his sister. Your uncle Ray did that to me when he was Matt's age."

"Did he ever succeed?"

"Yes he did." Mrs. McGuire wondered if she should add that she had let him just so he would stop trying.

"Did he stop after that?"

"Yes he did, why do you ask?"

"Because there have been times when I was tempted to just let him see me naked so he would stop. Maybe I should have."

Mrs. McGuire delayed responding to that long enough for her to "That, Lizzie is ultimately up to you. You can still let him see you naked if you want to. Nobody will force you to do it."

"I don't know if I should. What if he tries to touch me?"

"Lizzie no matter you decide to do about it there will be no touching and if he tries to remember that your dad and myself will be right there to protect you."

"But what if dad wants to......"

"Lizzie is that why you're afraid of your dad?" Lizzie didn't say anything but her mom knew that was it. "Lizzie your father loves very much and he'd never do anything like that to you. Not ever, not even if his life depended on it. Do you understand. He'd rather die than hurt you like that."

"But isn't that what girls like me are for? A guy gets horny so find a girl like me, make them get undressed so he can fuck them until he's satisfied. That's what John did. That's what Mr. Corelli, Dr. Kendrick, Paolo and a whole bunch of other men did to me. They fucked me and made me do all kinds of nasty things. Then when they were done with me threw me away like I was a piece of trash. So why not dad too." Lizzie continued eating her breakfast as if she was discussing the weather.

Mrs. McGuire, on the other hand, was sickened to hear Lizzie say that. She had been totally unprepared for a revelation like that."Lizzie honey your dad is not like that. In fact most men aren't like that at all. I know it's hard for you to belove right now but normal men prefer grown women as partners not young girls."

"I bet if he had the chance dad would fuck me."

"Lizzie your father would never try to have sex with you. Not ever. Good fathers don't have sex with their kids and your dad is a very good father."

"What if you're wrong and he does want to have sex with me. I don't ever want to have sex with a man or boy again. Not ever again."

"Lizzie in time you will see that I'm right about your father. You just need to give him a chance to prove it, that's all." Mrs. McGuire wondered why Lizzie was suddenly opening up like this but she was grateful for it even though it was disturbing as well. That was something she was going to ask about as soon as possible. "Now Lizzie I need make some phone calls to make arrangements for getting you some new clothes to wear."

"Maybe I can borrow some of Miranda's clothes to wear while shopping for new clothes. We both wear the same sizes except for shoes."

"I was thinking the same thing I can have you dad pick them up and bring them over during his lunch, which is a few hours from now. Why don't you go watch TV while I make the calls."

Mrs. McGuire watched Lizzie carefully as she got up and put her dirty dishes in the sink then walked to the living room. She noticed that Lizzie seemed much more relaxed and comfortable than she had been in a long time now that she had opened up a little. First she made arrangements to borrow some clothes from Miranda. After the call was done she considered she went into the living room and sat next to Lizzie on the couch. "All the arrangements are made, now all we have to do is go over to Miranda's house and pick up the clothes be fore we go shopping." She paused a second or two then said "Why don't you get cleaned up then we can get started."


	29. At Miranda's House

Meanwhile over at the Sanchez home after Miranda finished her breakfast her and Mrs. Sanchez was reading the morning newspaper when she laid it down on the table and said "Miranda there is something that I have to talk to you about."

"What is it mom?"

"After your were brought to the hospital and stabilized the doctor asked me and you father if we knew how long you had been using methamphetamine's. We were were floored when we heard that because we had no idea that you'd been using them. He told us that judging from the levels of the drugs in your blood indicated that you probably weren't a habitual user but you did have fairly high levels of it in your system." The disappointment her mom felt at the thought of her baby using illegal drugs was plain to see on her face. "How long have you been using them and why?"

"Mom after Lizzie disappeared I started having terrible nightmares of her dying in all kinds of horrible ways. After a couple of days I bought something called crystal from a kid at school. I had heard from some of the other kids that it was really good keeping you awake. I figured that if I didn't sleep I couldn't have any more nightmares." Miranda looked thoroughly ashamed of herself as she spoke. "Boy was I wrong," Miranda's voice started to choke up. "It made it worse, a lot worse."

"The doctor said that while those drugs keep you awake they also have a tendency to intensify whatever feelings you have. So if you're sad they make you sadder, if you're scared they make you even more afraid. He said that was probably why you tried to commit suicide without any of the usual signs." Mrs. Sanchez paused to let her daughter think about that before saying "Now I want you to tell me who sold you those drugs. OK." When Miranda didn't answer right away she reiterated her request. "Miranda honey we need to know who sold it to you so we can stop them from selling more and hurting other kids."

Miranda's first thought was that she didn't want to snitch on anyone. When she realized that she had done worse to her best friend and that she barely even knew the name of the boy who had sold the drugs to her, she changed her mind. "It was Barney Rubel, he was the guy who sold them to me."

"Thanks baby, you did the right thing."

"Am I going to be in trouble for using those drugs?"

"Mija are you going to use those drugs again?"

Miranda thought about what her mom had said about the effects of the crystal on the people who used it. She had spent a lot of time in the hospital thinking about why she had tried to kill herself and couldn't figure out why she had felt so bad about it that she wanted to die. She still felt really bad about what she had done to Lizzie but not bad enough to want die. She hadn't been able to understand why she had felt that way but what her mom just told her explained it perfectly. Now that she knew, it was clear that it was the drugs that had made her feel that way. "No way, not ever again. I almost died from taking them this time and I don't want to take that chance again."

"Your father and I aren't going to punish you if that's what you're asking about but you are going to have to deal with the consequences of it. As much as we'd like to make it easier for you, but we can't. I'm sorry baby, I wish we could make everything alright, make it all like it was before all this happened, but we can't. You're going to have to face the consequences of your actions."

A tear had rolled down Mrs. Sanchez cheek as she spoke and that, more than anything else, convinced Miranda of the sincerity of her mother's words. The contrast between everyone's obvious happiness over her return home last night and her mother's sadness right now was a real eye opener for her. She hadn't realized that her actions had affected others as much as they had. This made her feel terrible because she had hurt her family and friends so much and there was no way it could be undone. She wondered if there was some way she could begin to make it up to those she had hurt. "Mom is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just do your best to do what's right baby. That's all any of us can do and that's all we need to do. Now why don't yo go see what your sister is up to or go watch some TV while I clean up this mess."

"OK." Miranda stood up slowly then paused and said "Mom do you think Lizzie will be coming over some time today?"

"I'm sure she'll be over as soon as she possibly can baby." She watched Miranda slowly but navigate the kitchen. It was obvious that Miranda was in a lot of pain as she moved and she was tempted to suggest that she use the wheelchair but the doctors and physical therapists all said that Miranda would recover better and faster if she walked as much as possible. Mrs. Sanchez couldn't help saying "Tell me if you need any help OK."

"I know mom, I might fall and hurt myself." Miranda tried to sound irritated but failed.

About a half hour later Miranda was in the living room when she heard the phone ring. A couple minutes later her mom came in and said "That was Mrs. McGuire on the phone and she said that she would be here soon with Lizzie. She also said that Lizzie will need to borrow some of your clothes."

A little while later Lizzie and Miranda were up in Miranda's room when she said loudly "Matt did what your clothes?"

"He poured a bunch of stuff like honey, syrup, chocolate syrup, ketchup and even some glue on all of my clothes that my mom washed yesterday. She washed all my dirty clothes which was just about everything except the pajamas I had on and some socks. Then when you called and said you were home she forgot to bring them up from the wash room in all the excitement and that was when he must have done it. He even took the dresses I got in Rome out of my closet."

"I bet you were really pissed off at him when you found out."

"Oh you bet I was. I could of wrung his freaking neck but he was already gone when I got up this morning." There was a flash of anger that burned bright in Lizzie's eyes as she spoke. "My mom said that she might be able to salvage some of the clothes but most of them were ruined."

"What about those fantastic dresses you got in Rome, are they ruined?"

"I don't know. Mom said they have to be dry cleaned but she told me not to get my hopes up."

"So what do you want to borrow?"

"Some underwear, a pair of pants and a shirt will do."

Miranda got out the underwear for Lizzie then looked for a shirt and a pair that would go together well. By the time she had found what she was looking for Lizzie had already changed into the clean underwear and shed the bathrobe and dirty pajamas she'd been wearing. What Miranda was not expecting was sight of the still healing scars on Lizzie's torso. They still stood out in stark contrast to Lizzie's fair skin which made them seem even worse. She had only been told that Lizzie had been raped and survived an attempt on her life, which was all that had been in the news. She had not been aware of how savage the assault had been or the extent of her friend's injuries. Miranda was so surprised at what she saw that she dropped the clothes she was holding. "Oh my God! "

Since her wounds were healing rapidly the stitches had been taken out, making the bandages or special attention unnecessary, Lizzie had pretty much forgotten about her wounds. When she heard Miranda's exclamation she looked around for a moment to see what it was before she realized that it was her scars that were the cause of her friend's response. She quickly tried to hide them with her hands and arms as she looked for something to cover them with. As she was looking about, Miranda picked up the shirt she had dropped and held it out to her.

The look in her best friend's eyes made Lizzie realize that they could no longer pretend that everything was the way it used to be. She suddenly had a sinking feeling as if the floor had been pulled out from under her feet. She had so desperately wanted keep her friendship with Miranda in spite of how badly her she had hurt her. Now it was in danger of being destroyed forever just like so many other things in her life and it scared her. As she took the shirt Miranda held out for her Lizzie said "We need to talk, don't we."

Miranda nodded her head in agreement as she said in a somber tone "Yeah, that's what my mom told me yesterday." She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before continuing. "She said that if we wanted to save our friendship we'd have to talk about this, and the sooner the better."

As she was putting on the shirt Lizzie realized that she no longer wanted to go shopping for clothes with her mom, but want to talk things out with Miranda instead. "You know what Miranda, I don't want to go shopping with my mom anymore, I want to stay here and work things out with you instead. Wait here while I got tell my mom."

As Lizzie moved towards the door Miranda called out, "Wait Lizzie." She picked up the pants she had dropped and held them out for Lizzie. "You might want to put these on first."

Meanwhile as soon as Lizzie and Miranda had gone upstairs Mrs. McGuire said "It's so nice to see them together again isn't it Daniella?"

"Yes it is. Would you like a cup of coffee?" A couple minutes later as she handed Mrs. McGuire a cup of coffee Mrs. Sanchez said "How are you holding up Jo?"

Mrs. McGuire took the cup and place it on the table next to her purse. "OK I guess, and you?"

"The same. I wish they'd teach you about this stuff in school." She took the seat across the table from Mrs. McGuire as she spoke.

"No kidding. It sure would be a lot easier if I knew what to do if your daughter is raped and survives an attempt on her life."

"Or if she tries to commit suicide." Mrs. Sanchez took a sip of her coffee. "Eduardo and I have no idea of what to do but we can't do nothing."

"I agree we can't just do nothing we owe our kids that much at least. It's just that a lot I feel overwhelmed by it all and that we can't do it alone. Lizzie's therapist has suggested that Sam and I join a support group but he says it's our problem and we'll handle it ourselves, without any help."

"That's what Eduardo keeps telling me too whenever I suggest we get some help. I'm sick of him putting his pride before our daughters well being"

"I couldn't agree with you any more than I do. " Mrs. McGuire took a sip of her coffee before continuing. "Daniella, can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, what is it Jo?"

"I've got so much to do this afternoon in addition to getting some clothes for Lizzie. I don't dare leave her home alone and I really don't want to take out in public any more than absolutely necessary. I was wondering if I could leave her with you and Miranda this afternoon?"

"Of course you can. She's welcome here any time, you know that. Besides I figured that might be why you brought her over here to borrow some clothes in the first place."

"Thank you so much." She paused to take another sip of coffee the asked, "Was it that obvious?"

"No, it wasn't but it's what I'd do in your position Jo." Mrs. Sanchez smiled as she said the last part. Then to change the subject she said "So do you have any idea why Matt did that to Lizzie's clothes?"

"Well Sam thinks it's because of his teachers at school." She looked at her watch the said "I wish I had time to explain it to you but I better get going. I'll go upstairs and let Lizzie know about the change in plans."

"Good idea." Mrs. Sanchez rose from her seat then said "Right this way," then lead the way.

As they were going upstairs Mrs. McGuire considered how she was going to tell Lizzie that she wanted her to stay here at Miranda's house instead of going shopping with her. By the time she had arrived at the door to Miranda's room she had decided tell Lizzie that she had changed her plans with out going into any details. Just as Mrs. Sanchez raised her hand to knock on the door I swung open.

When Lizzie opened the door and saw Miranda's mom with her hand raised to knock on the door with her mom right behind her it startled enough to make her jump a bit and let out a little squeak. After a moment she had settled down enough to say "Mom, I was just coming down to talk to you. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if I stayed here with Miranda instead of going shopping with you?"

Mrs. McGuire had not expected that getting Lizzie to stay would've been this easy but she was very pleased that it was. She managed to keep a straight face as she replied "Sure honey if that's what you want to do." She hoped that she had struck the right tone so that Lizzie would never suspect she had intended to ask her her to stay here while she went shopping without her.

"Thanks mom. Me and Miranda have a lot of stuff to talk about and plans to make now that she's home."

When they were headed back downstairs to the kitchen Mrs. Sanchez commented "I bet you didn't think it would be that easy to get her to stay here?" She chuckled a little before continuing. "It looks like Lizzie's handling Matt's prank well enough."

"No," Mrs. McGuire replied somberly. "She's not handling it well at all. Right now she's trying to pretend that she's OK, but she isn't. She had a bad nightmare last night. It was so bad that she woke up in the middle of the night with her pajamas soaking wet with sweat. When she went to go downstairs to get some of her medicine she couldn't find anything dry to wear. Then this morning she almost lost it when she found out what Matt did to her clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if she asks if she can bake some cookies or brownies before long."

"Huh, why do you think that?"

"She likes to bake when she's nervous or worried about something because it helps settle her nerves. Lately she's been baking a lot."

"Oh I see. I think I have some brownie mix on hand or does she make them from scratch."

"She prefers to make them from scratch if she can."

"I know I have everything to make cookies or brownies from scratch. So if she want's to bake its fine with me." As they entered the kitchen Mrs. Sanchez said, " Is there any medicine that Lizzie will need to take while you're gone?"

"Yes there is, I have them right here in my purse." Mrs. McGuire Opened her purse and pulled out a few medicine bottles. "This is her antibiotics which she needs to take one at lunch, this is her pain meds which she'll need by lunchtime if not sooner since she didn't take any this morning. This is a sedative just in case she has an episode which she shouldn't." She held handed each to Mrs. Sanchez in turn as she spoke.

"What do you mean by episode.?"

"Well every now and then she'll have a flashback which you'll know when it happens. Nothing can be done about the flashbacks themselves except to give her a sedative, keep her from hurting herself and comfort her as much as possible. Afterward they always leave her an emotional wreck so she'll also need this antidepressant." Mrs. McGuire hand shook as she handed the last medicine bottle to Mrs. Sanchez. Then she sniffed a bit as she wiped a tear from eye with the other hand.

"Are you OK Jo?"

"I'll be OK, I have to be. I just need to sit down for a minute." She sat in the chair that Mrs. Sanchez pulled out for her. After a few seconds she said, "God, they're horrible, those flashbacks are absolutely horrifying. They scare the hell out of me and I can't begin to imagine what they must be like for her let alone live through what happened to her." Mrs. McGuire sobbed a few times then wiped the tears from her eyes. "She's only a kid Danielle, she's just an innocent kid. How could anyone do those things to her? After they were done with her they tried to kill her then threw her in the trash to die. They threw my baby in the trash like she was just a piece of trash."

Mrs. Sanchez was stunned by what she just heard. She had only heard that there had been an attempt on Lizzie's life after being raped. She hadn't known that Lizzie had been thrown in the trash and left to die there. At that moment she wanted to kill those people who were responsible for what had been done to her. "My God, that's horrible."

Both women looked at each other in silence for several seconds before Mrs. McGuire said "I'm sorry for that outburst. You got your own problems and don't need to hear mine too."

"That's quite alright, you have no reason to be sorry Jo. It's perfectly understandable in your situation." She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat before continuing. "I'd be a complete wreck if that happened to one of my kids. I don't think that if I'd be able to hold up as well as you are in your situation."

"Yes you would. I know you would because you're doing it for your daughter right now. We can't let our kids down, you know that." Mrs. McGuire looked at her watch then pulled her compact out of her purse and checked her face as she said "I really do have to go now." She stood up and gathered her things. "Thanks for the coffee."

After Mrs. McGuire Stevie walked up to her mother with a scared look on her face. "Mama is Lizzie going to be OK? I heard you and Mrs McGuire talking about throwing her away."

"Oh sweetie I didn't know you heard that." Mrs. Sanchez took her daughter's hand and led her to the couch where she sat down then lifted Stevie onto her lap. Once they were all settled she said "Baby, Lizzie is just fine and no one is going to throw her away."

"But what if she doesn't get all better will they throw her away? Will you and daddy throw Miranda away if she doesn't get all better?" Mrs. Sanchez now knew what was really bothering Stevie, who was on the verge of tears when she asked that.

"Listen to me carefully Stevie, Miranda is going to be just fine and no matter what happens daddy and I are never going to throw your sister away. The same is true for Lizzie her mom and dad are never going to throw her away. Do you understand?"

"But I heard you and Lizzie's mom talking about Lizzie being thrown away in the trash."

Mrs. Sanchez paused a few seconds as she tried to figure out how to explain what happened to Lizzie to a four year old. "Do you remember when Lizzie disappeared and everyone was looking for her?" Stevie nodded her head yes in reply to Mrs. Sanchez's question. "Well some bad men had stolen her then they did some really bad things to her. Then after they were done doing those terrible things to her they tried to kill her then they tried to hide her in one of those big trash cans. But the police found her and took her to the doctors at the hospital who made her all better. So what you heard me and Lizzie's mom talking about was what the bad men did to her. Lizzie's mom would never throw her away and no one is ever going to throw your sister away."

Stevie smiled and said "Oh I see, only bad people try to throw people away. I'm glad nobody is going to throw away Miranda or Lizzie."

Mrs. Sanchez gave her daughter a hug as she said "That's right baby, nobody is going to be thrown away. Now why don't you go play."

Meanwhile upstairs in Miranda's room the girls were still trying to get started with what they both knew had to be done sooner or later. Both knew what they wanted to say to each other, they just couldn't figure out how to say it without hurting their friend's feelings. What they hadn't realized was that there was no way to say what needed to be said with out hurting each others feelings. So they wound up doing what they had been doing, pretending that everything was like it used to be and instead they discussed Lizzie's belated birthday party until lunchtime.

They were in the middle of discussing the guest list when the door opened and Stevie came in. "What is it Stevie?" Miranda asked as soon as she saw who it was.

"Mama said it is time for lunch."

"OK, tell her We'll be down in a minute." Then Miranda turned back to Lizzie started to say something when she noticed that Stevie was still standing just inside the door. She asked impatiently "What are you standing there for?"

In answer to Miranda's question Stevie ran over and hugged her big sister. "Miranda I'm glad nobody is gonna throw you away like the bad men did to Lizzie."

Miranda was totally unprepared for that and it showed on her face as she said "What?"


	30. Facing the Truth

At School Gordo, Kate, Ethan and a few other friends of Miranda and Lizzie all met at lunch. They discussed the police arresting Mr. Davis the school's football coach and boys PE teacher during yesterday's last period. They speculated if it had anything to do with what had happened to Lizzie and they also talked about when she might be returning to school. About five minutes before the bell was due to ring the group broke up leaving just Kate and Gordo. When they were alone Kate said "God, how I wish we could just tell them everything we know about all this."

"You know we can't do that. A lot of it is really personal stuff which is up to Lizzie to tell them, not us."

Kate frowned as she said "I know I know, but this keeping it from our friends really sucks."

"Yeah it sure does." Gordo agreed. "Can you imagine how bad it must have been for Lizzie all those years keeping a secret like that. It would have driven me crazy."

"It was driving her crazy Gordo." Kate said without thinking about it. Now that she had said it there was no way she could just leave it at that." A few days before her folks found out Lizzie confided in me because she felt that she'd go crazy if she didn't tell someone."

"Yeah but that was when she thought she was going to be killed if she told anyone."

"She almost was killed Gordo."

"That was a completely different situation, so how could she think that."

"I'll bet you a million dollars she does see it that way. How else can you explain her reluctance to talk about what happened when she was missing to anyone." Kate was starting sound a little angry and frustrated as she spoke. "Besides how do you know that same people weren't involved this time too. If they were you can bet your ass that she's too scared to tell anyone about it."

After a couple seconds Gordo said "You know I never thought about any of that." He thought about what little Lizzie had told him and Miranda about when the guys had kidnapped her. Just then the bell rang. He wanted to tell Kate about what Lizzie had said but there wasn't enough time so he said "Can we talk about this after school?"

"Yeah sure. In fact I was hoping we could. The Digital Bean OK with you."

"That's just fine. See you there." Then they headed off to their classes.

Meanwhile in Mranda's room Miranda said to Lizzie "Did they really do what Stevie said?" Miranda felt as if someone had just knocked the wind out of her. "Did they really throw you in the trash?" As she was saying that she noticed how pale Lizzie's face was. Lizzie looked as if she had just seen a ghost. "Stevie go get mama." When Stevie didn't move she said even louder "Stevie go get mama right now." This time Stevie left and Miranda could hear her calling for their mom as she went down the stairs. She wondered if she should guide Lizzie over to her bed while wishing she didn't have a cast on her arm and that her ribs, shoulder and back didn't hurt so much. If Lizzie were to faint there would be no way she could keep her friend from falling.

Meanwhile downstairs Mrs. Sanchez had just sent Stevie up to tel the girls lunch was ready when she heard the doorbell. He wondered who it might be as she went to answer it. When she opened the door she saw that it was her niece Doris Sanchez.

"Hello Doris, I wasn't expecting to see you here at this time of day."

"I thought I'd drop by and see how Miranda is doing."

"Sure come on in. We were just about to have lunch so why don't you join us."

"Thank you, I think I will."

As she closed the door behind her niece Mrs. Sanchez said "So how come you're not at work Doris?"

"The captain said that since I had ignored his warning to stay off Lizzie's case because I was to close to it, I had the choice of being assigned to a desk for the duration of the case or taking my accumulated vacation time. Guess which one I chose?"

"I'm sorry to hear that you're off the case."

"Actually, I'm not. This way I think I can probably be of more help."

Just then Stevie came running down the stairs saying loudly "Mama, mama Miranda need's your help."

When Lizzie had heard what Stevie said to Miranda it was as if somebody had just stabbed her again. She felt the icy cold grip of fear in the pit of her stomach once again and her vision narrowed until all she could see was Miranda's face which had paled in shock at what her little sister said. All Lizzie could think was that if a four year old knew that she'd been thrown in the trash to die the rest of the world must know too. How could she could face her friends, let alone go back to school, now that everyone knew she was just another piece of trash to be disposed of. Then she wondered if everything would be better if she had died in that dumpster instead of struggling to hang on like those voices she heard that night told her to do.

The next thing she was aware of was Miranda's asking if she was OK while awkwardly moving the chair from her computer desk closer for Lizzie to use. For a few moments she had no idea how she should answer. As she became more focused on the situation Lizzie said "I'm fine Miranda."

"Are you sure, because you don't look fine."

"I'm fine, really I am." As she said that Lizzie noticed that she was trembling and her knees felt weak. "I just need to sit down for a bit that's all."

Mrs. Sanchez burst into the room before Miranda could say anything else. She went her daughters side first thing and said "Baby what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"I'm fine mom. It's Lizzie that I'm worried about. All of a sudden She looked really pale and I thought she was going to faint or something, so I sent Stevie to get you."

Right then Mrs. Sanchez figured that Stevie had innocently said something that hadn't realized that she shouldn't have. Mrs. Sanchez had a very good idea what it might have been about. Then she turned and said "Doris go downstairs and get Lizzie's medicines from the kitchen table and a glass of water for me please."

That was when Lizzie noticed Doris Sanchez standing in the doorway. "I'm fine, I don't need my medicine."

"Are you sure Lizzie? Do you want me to call your mom?" Mrs. Sanchez asked.

"I'm OK , really I am and please don't call my mom." Right then Lizzie decided to prove she was OK by getting up from the chair. She felt steadier than she had before she sat down so she said to Miranda. "Come let's go downstairs and get some lunch."

After the girls had left with Stevie following close behind them Mrs. Sanchez said "God I hope she really is OK."

"You Know she was lying don't you?" Doris said frankly.

"Yeah I know but what good would it have done to point it out. We have to let her work this out the best she knows how and give her what help she'll accept from us."

Doris nodded in agreement then said "Tia Dani, what do you think caused this?"

Mrs. Sanchez thought about whether or not she should share what Mrs. McGuire had said to her earlier. She figured that it would be OK since Doris probably knew a lot more of what had happened to Lizzie than she did. "Earlier when I was talking to Mrs. McGuire Stevie overheard us talking about how Lizzie had been found. It had really upset her and she was afraid that since Miranda had almost died we might do the same thing to her sister. So I had to explain it to her in a way she'd understand. I figure that Stevie might have said something about that when I sent her to tell the girls that lunch was ready."

"That would do it." Doris looked like she was going to add something but decided not to.

"Come on let's get downstairs before the girls eat all the food."

Once the lunch of soup and sandwiches was finished Doris asked to talk with Lizzie alone. Once Doris shut the door of the den she turned to Lizzie and said "Do you have any idea of what I want to talk to you about?"

Lizzie slowly nodded her head yes and replied "It's about my case isn't it?"

"Yes and no. When I stopped by here today I didn't expect you to be here but I'm glad you are."

"You are, why?"

"First I have to tell you that I'm not working on your case."

"Why not?"

"Because my captain says that I'm too close to the case since I know you personally. Therefore I'm more likely to get emotionally involved and do something I shouldn't which might ruin the case and allow the perps to go free."

Lizzie looked at her with eyes filled with sadness and fear the tore at Doris' heart as she said "But they're already free."

"We're going to catch them don't worry about that. It's just a matter of time. Of course you could help us a lot with that if you want to." Doris was sorely tempted push her to tell the police what she knew. She also knew that Lizzie was a very scared young girl who had just lived through a hellish ordeal and that pushing her to talk could very well have the opposite effect. Doris had seen the crime scene photo's that the first officers on the scene had taken of Lizzie before they realized that she was still alive. Those were enough to give her nightmares and she was sure it was much worse for Lizzie. "But that isn't what I wanted to talk to you about."

"It isn't." Lizzie was thoroughly surprised and intrigued by that statement.

"No it isn't. You see my Aunt Dani, Miranda's mom, told me that you haven't talked to anyone about what happened to you. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how difficult it is to talk about things like that.." Doris paused for a second or two then continued. "Do you remember when I stopped babysitting you and Miranda and moved away to Mexico for a while?"

Lizzie nodded her head yes and said "We wondered why you did that but no one would tell use why."

"The official story was that I was going to go to college in Mexico City where some of our relatives live. What really happened was that one night after a dance at school a couple of older boys raped me then beat me really bad after they were done." Doris fought the cold feeling of fear which still hit her even all these years later whenever she spoke of the incident. "It was several months before I was able to identify the boys who did it to me. Even then I was really scared to do it but my mom and dad convinced me that I had to do it before I would be able to stop being scared by it. And you know what they were right. It took a while but things did get better and I stopped being afraid all the time. In fact that is the main reason I became a cop."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me." Lizzie blurted out. "They say that will help if I talk about it but I'm so scared. The last time I talked about this kind of stuff I almost died because of it just like they said I would. And even Miranda almost died because of it. This time it was even worse than the last time and I'm scared that that if I talk about more people will get hurt maybe even killed."

"Lizzie I'm not going to lie to you." She looked Lizzie straight in the eyes an she spoke. "If you do talk about it people will probably get hurt maybe even killed but it almost certainly won't be you or anyone you care about. What I can promise you is that if you don't talk about it you will go on being scared. I can also promise that other girls like you will get hurt maybe even killed because the kind of people who did that to you will continue doing it to other kids unless they are caught and sent to prison."

Lizzie just sat there thinking about what Doris had just told her. Deep down she knew it was true but it didn't change how scared she was of talking about her ordeal.

Doris waited almost a minute before saying "Any how what I really wanted to say was that I understand what you went through and how scared you must be and that I want to help you any way I can. If you ever want my help, or even to just talk to me, don't hesitate to call me." She handed Lizzie one of her business cards which she had also written her home phone number on the back. "You can call me anytime." Doris got up and went over to the door and just as she started to open it she stopped and added "I really mean it, you can call me any time of the day or night."

After Doris left Lizzie sat there looking at the card in her hand as she thought about she had just been told. She believed what Doris had told her about being raped and for some strange reason it comforted her a little to know that. Not that she thought it was good that Doris had been raped but that someone she knew understood how she felt made her feel less alone. After several minutes she got up and walked over to the trash can intending to throw away the card with the phone numbers she was never going to use. Then just as she was about to drop it in the can she put it in her pocket instead and went to go find Miranda.

After lunch, while Doris and Lizzie were talking privately, Miranda had asked her mom how to resolve the dilemma of talking to Lizzie and let her friend know how much she had inadvertently hurt her with out hurting her feelings. She told Miranda to let her think about it for a while. The next thing she did was to call Mrs. McGuire to discuss that situation. About a half hour later, after Doris had left and the girls were watching TV in the living room, Mrs. McGuire called back with a solution to the problem. Next she called her mother's cell number and asked if they could take care of Stevie for the rest of the afternoon then she had called Mrs. McGuire. While waiting for her A few hours later She called Lizzie and Miranda into the kitchen. She motioned towards the table, where they saw Mrs. McGuire was already seated, as they entered and said "Take a seat girls."

Miranda recognized her mom's serious tone of voice which was usually used when she was in trouble. As she sat down she wondered what it was she had done to get in trouble today. As far as she knew she had done nothing wrong so far today. She also wondered why Lizzie was being included as well since Lizzie hadn't done anything at all to get in trouble.

After they were seated Mrs. Sanchez said "Earlier both of you asked me the same question which was how to tell each other how their actions made you feel with out hurting their feelings. I took the liberty of discussing this with your mother Lizzie and we both agree on this. The answer is that you can't. Both of you have realized and agree that you can no longer pretend that everything is OK between you two. The truth is that you both have to let the other face the consequences of their actions. You can no longer place the blame for each others actions on yourself. Do you understand?"

Both them nodded their heads as the meekly said that they did.

Mrs. McGuire said "Good now there are several ways we can handle this. The first is we can set up separate sessions in which each of you makes a video of you expressing your feelings about the whole thing for the other to watch later. Another way is we can book a session with Lizzie's therapist for the both of you together and she can mediate your discussion. Or we can handle this right here right now with myself and your mother in charge. The choice is up to you two but what ever way you choose to use the sooner it is done the better. So what will it be girls?"

"Lizzie knew that there would be no way she could make the video. She'd freeze up and not say a thing because she'd be afraid that someone else might see it. She said hesitantly "I wouldn't mind waiting to do it with Dr. Wilkerling but I'd rather to do it now and get it over with."

Miranda said "I'd like to get it over with too."

Mrs. McGuire said "I was hoping that would be your answer. But before we get started Lizzie when I talked to Dr. Wilkerling about this on the phone earlier she said that she like us to at least make a video of this for her to watch later if that's alright with you. She said that it would be a big help for her and your therapy. What do you say?" Mrs. McGuire watched her daughter as she considered that question.

She watched for the right time to add the final line "She said that you could bring her the video to watch then you could do what you want with it. You could let her keep it as part of your file, you could keep it yourself or destroy it. No matter what you would be in control if it."

Lizzie thought about it for a few more seconds before agreeing to it. As she set up the video camera she had brought with her Mrs. McGuire felt a little guilty about manipulating her daughter like that but it was for Lizzie's own good that she did it. It only took a few minutes to set up the camera then she said "OK let's get started. I guess it would be best to start at the beginning. From what I understand that was the day that you finally told your closest friends about being sexually abused. So Lizzie can you tell us what you did to hurt Miranda?"

"Well I knew she couldn't keep a secret. I knew that juicy the secret the sooner she'd gossip about it. Even knowing that I still went ahead and told her my big secret even though I knew all about her tendency to gossip about things she shouldn't. I really am sorry for giving her a secret I knew she couldn't keep to herself."

"Then why did you do it Lizzie?" Miranda asked in a loud angry voice. "You knew that I can't keep secrets an........"

Mrs. Sanchez fixed a reproving gaze on Miranda and said in a soft even tone that had enough steel in it to cut right through her daughters outburst. "That's enough Miranda. You will get your turn to speak now calm down and let Lizzie finish." She looked at Lizzie then said "Go ahead."

"I only did it because I hated keeping secrets from my friends and especially my best friend. I wanted to tell you for so long but I was too scared to. Then when the police found out and told my mom and dad I figured that I could at least tell my closest friends about it. I guess it was selfish of me to not consider what it might do to my friends."

Mrs. Sanchez said "Now you can speak Miranda. How did that make you feel?"

"Great at first. Lizzie was trusting me with her big secret even after I had blown it with that other... Wait a minute I bet you were never interested in Jason Foster were you Lizzie?"

Lizzie shook her head no as she said "No, I wasn't. I just wanted to see if could keep a secret."

"I guess I can't blame you after all those other things I blabbed about that I shouldn't have." Miranda conceded that point since everyone there was well aware of her habits of not being able to keep secrets very long if at all. " Any how like I said it felt great at first then when I found out she told Kate first it was kinda like someone had knocked the wind out of me. She trusted me enough to tell me her secret but not enough to tell me first which hurt a bit when I found that out. I still felt pretty good about it though and things went great for the next week. Then at lunch I met some of my new friends and they were talking about girl in school lost their virginity the youngest. At first I didn't say anything then before I knew it I blabbed about Lizzie. Right then I knew I had really blown it big time and I felt awful about it. Then a second or so later when I realized that the way I said it I made it sound like she was a porn star I felt even worse. I had to get out of there before I made things worse but when I went around the corner Lizzie was standing right there where she heard everything I had said. I wanted to apologize but I couldn't then she just ran off."

Miranda stopped to gather the courage to say the rest. "Right then I felt really hurt and mad at Lizzie for putting me in a position where I would almost certainly hurt my best friend. I hated myself for doing it which just made me even madder at Lizzie. Then she just disappeared and everyone was worried about her. I was torn between being mad at her and worried sick about her and feeling guilty about what I had done to her. I kept dreaming about her dying in horrible ways and her ghost was telling me it was all my fault. It got so bad that I bought some speed so I wouldn't go to sleep and have those terrible dreams. It didn't help any because I just kept feeling sadder and guiltier about what I had done until I decided that I deserved to die for what I had done to Lizzie. So I tried to kill myself by jumping out a window at school."

By the time Miranda had finished Lizzie was quietly crying. In spite of everything she had been told deep down she still believed that it was her fault that Miranda had almost died. Now from what she just heard her friend say it sounded like Miranda blamed her too. She knew that just because she had survived this time she'd still be killed eventually for telling her parents and the police about having sex with John and his friends. She had blown it big time and Miranda had almost died because of it. So what she had to do was make sure that none of her friends would die because of her the next time they'd come to kill her.

Her train of thought was interrupted when she heard Mrs. Sanchez say "Now Miranda who's fault is it that you betrayed Lizzie's trust in you?" When Miranda didn't respond right away she continued by saying "You knew you had a problem keeping secrets so why did you hang out with girls you knew liked to gossip? When they were talking about sex and you were tempted to tell Lizzie's secret why didn't you just walk away? Who made you buy those drugs? Who made you take them? Who made you jump out that window?"

When Mrs. Sanchez finished speaking silence fell over the kitchen. Even though Miranda was looking down at her hands she could feel everyone's eyes on her especially Lizzie's. She knew that they were waiting for her answer and she owed Lizzie that much at least. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly to relax a little before saying "It was my fault and nobody else's." Miranda looked at Lizzie's shocked tear streaked face as she spoke. "You might have given me a secret you knew I couldn't keep but it was up to me to at least try to keep it. I really wanted to keep it but at the first real temptation came along I didn't even try to. Like my mom pointed out I went looking for those girls then when I was tempted to tell your secret I could have just walked away but I didn't. I was the one who made all those bad mistakes that nearly killed me, not you. Lizzie you can't take the blame for the things I did. I have to take the blame for what I did, nobody else can do it for me. I guess I have to face the consequences too."

"That's right baby, but you won't have to face those consequences alone." Mrs. Sanchez said in a loving tone. "Your family will be there to help you when you need it."

Then Lizzie surprised Miranda by saying "And your friends will help you too."

There was a few seconds of silence as everyone waited for a response from Miranda. When the silence started to get uncomfortable Mrs. McGuire said " Lizzie, it's your turn for you to tell us how what Miranda did made you feel."

Lizzie looked at Miranda and hesitated when she saw the pain in her friend's eyes. She knew what she had to say would hurt her best friend just as what Miranda said had hurt her. She started to shake her head no when her mom put a comforting arm around her shoulder and said quietly "Lizzie I know it's going to be hard and painful to do, but it's the right thing to do for both of you."

Lizzie nodded her head and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "OK, if you say so." She looked nervously back at Miranda then said. "That day I heard you talking to those girls I had been looking for you so we could discuss my birthday party. When I heard your voice from around I couldn't have been happier then I heard you telling them about what I did with John and his friends making it sound like I was some kind of porn star." As she spoke Lizzie the pain of what Miranda had done to her started to return and also the anger she had felt towards her best friend whom she had entrusted with her deepest darkest secret. "You made it sound like I enjoyed it when they fucked me when I really hated every moment of it. When I heard you telling them that, it felt like you had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. It hurt worse than when Paolo and John tried to kill me." Lizzie paused a moment to catch her breath unaware of the fact that she had named two of her assailants. Nor did she notice the stunned looks on everyone else faces her outburst had caused. She had even forgotten about the video camera that was recording the whole thing. "Right then I hated you and I hated myself for trusting you. I was so hurt and angry I couldn't think of anything to say or do at that moment. Right then I just wanted to find a hole to crawl into and pull it in after me so no one could find me. I just wanted to disappear because soon the whole school would know how nasty and dirty I am and it was all of you Miranda."

As Lizzie continued talking Miranda looked as if she want to disappear herself, which both her mother and Mrs. McGuire noticed. These statements, as harsh and painful as they were, was something both girls needed, especially this final outburst by Lizzie. They were finally venting their true feelings about what had happened and now they could finally actually deal with them rather than just suppressing them.

Now that Lizzie had started talking it was like she couldn't stop."When I was in the hospital and you didn't come visit I thought you were avoiding me which made me even angrier. Then on the day I was going home from he hospital I learned that you had tried to commit suicide the day before I was found. Right then I knew why you had done it, even though no one told me, and that it was partly my fault because I shared my secret with you when I knew that you wouldn't be able to keep it. I felt terrible about it because I should never have given you a burden that I knew you couldn't bear. I thought that I had stopped being mad at you for how you had hurt me but I guess deep down I was still mad at you but didn't want to admit it." Lizzie took a deep breath before she finished with "As mad as I was I never wanted you to get hurt let alone die. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend."

After all that was said and done both girls felt relieved in spite of all the painful things they had heard and said to each other. It was as if a set of painfully tight and heavy bands had been removed from around them. Everything hadn't been miraculously fixed between them but things were much better between them. Now they were able to honestly accept each others heart felt apologies.

After a few minutes of that Lizzie's mom got up to shut off the video camera but before she could do that Lizzie suddenly realized that in the heat of the moment while expressing her feelings to Miranda she had mentioned the names of the two people who had tried to kill her. The two people who had also behind everything that had been done to her. Not only had she said their names but it had been recorded on the video. Just before she fainted Lizzie said out loud "Oh my God they're gonna kill me for sure now."


	31. Questions

Although Lizzie had only been overwhelmed by maelstrom of her emotions for just a few moments it had caused great concern about her from everyone else and she was embarrassed by it. The whole way home she couldn't get the image of the worried looks on the faces of her mother, Mrs. Sanchez and Miranda when she came back to her senses out of her mind. Every time something liked that happened she felt so weak and helpless which frustrated her to no end which in turn made it even worse about it. When they got out of the car after the short ride home Lizzie had the same feeling of being watched that she had every time she was outdoors ever since her kidnapping. It made her want to run and hide inside the house as fast as possible and that feeling made her unknowingly walk to the front door faster than usual.

As Lizzie hurried to towards the door Mrs. McGuire could see the fear that her daughter tried so hard to hide. As she saw it no child should have to live in such a constant state of fear that Lizzie was experiencing and it infuriated her that it was happening to her daughter. What made it worse was that they had a two car garage that was so full of crap that there was no room for the cars. If that wasn't the case she could have parked in the garage making Lizzie feel at least a little bit safer. She decided right then that that was going to change and she made a note to discuss it with her husband later. She did her best to catch up to Lizzie so she could let her into the house with a minimum of delay.

Later after her mom had brought in the clothes she'd bought and was showing them to to her Lizzie said "Mom can I ask you something?

"Of course you can."

"What's wrong with me?" Lizzie had been wanting to ask that question ever since the first time she'd been manipulated by John Larson to have sex with him. Ever since that day she had figured that there must be something wrong with her. In spite of being told otherwise by everyone else Lizzie still felt that it was somehow all her fault because deep in her heart she still saw it all through the eyes of the scared little girl she had been when she was first abused. In this little girl's viewpoint it had to have been her fault since John had told her that she'd been the one who'd been bad and at the time she truly believe that all adults were always right and would never lie to her.

When Mrs. McGuire heard Lizzie's question she didn't really understand what Lizzie meant so she assumed that it was about what had happened at Miranda's house. "Nothing's wrong honey, you've just been under a lot of stress lately that's all."

At first when she heard that answer Lizzie was tempted to clarify what she had meant but while considering it she realized that it would mean talking about things she had spent so long trying to forget. Things that made her feel terribly sick inside and completely ashamed of herself whenever she even thought about them. So instead she said "I guess you're right." while trying to shove the memory of those things into the deepest darkest corners of her mind where she could ignore them and pretend that they never happened, just as she had done all through the past few years. As she spoke her voice sounded a bit raspy and it was only than that she notice that her mouth and throat had gone dry.

"Your throat sounds really dry." Mrs. McGuire said. "Do you want me to bring you a drink?" Lizzie answered by nodding her head yes.

While her mom was doing that Lizzie took another look at all the new clothes her mom had just bought for her. As she did that it finally dawned on her that, even though none of the clothes big name designer brands, her mom had to have spent at least a couple hundred dollars on them. She added to that how much her parents were already spending on her for all the medical bills, the sessions with Dr. Wilkerling, the martial arts class she wanted to take, the tutor that her mom said they had hired and the party she wanted to have. It all added up to a huge amount of money that, in her own opinion, she wasn't worth. As she was thinking that Lizzie saw the receipt in one of the empty bags so she picked it up and saw that the clothes had cost $247.85.

As Mrs. McGuire returned with the drink she said "Here's some orange juice." Then she saw Lizzie looking at the receipt that she never intended to let her daughter see. Just as she had known it would Mrs. McGuire could see that Lizzie was upset by how much her new clothes cost them. It pained her to see her daughter like this and after everything else that had happened earlier that day it was almost too much for her to bear. Then Lizzie looked her in the eyes and started to say something but no sound came out.

Mrs. McGuire sat next to Lizzie then set the juice down on the coffee table. "Lizzie, don't worry about this." she said while taking the receipt from Lizzie's hand.

"But..." Lizzie started to protest but the look on her mom's face killed it before it could get started. She sighed heavily in an attempt to release some of the maelstrom of emotions she was feeling at the moment.

"What is it Lizzie?" Her mom asked in a concerned tone. "What did you want to say?"

"Well ….." Lizzie hesitated for a few moments as she thought about whether or not to tell her mom how sorry she was for all the trouble she was causing them and how much it must be costing them. Then before she had decided one way or the other it all came rushing out. "I'm so sorry for for all of this. I keep on screwing everything up and making terrible mistakes like the one that almost killed Miranda. It's my fault Matt hates me so much. Now I'm costing you guys even more money because of it in addition to all the stuff like the hospital, doctors, medicine and all the other stuff. I guess I can do without the party or the kung fu lessons since."

For a couple seconds Mrs. McGuire thought about how to start correcting her daughter's false assumptions of guilt. "First of all Lizzie, Matt doesn't hate you and why do you think it's all your fault?"

"Well he's always being mean to me and trying to get me in trouble all the time. Plus I heard you and dad talking about how I'm the reason why Matt's always getting in trouble in school which makes him hate me even more."

Mrs. McGuire's eyes widened in surprised at what Lizzie just told her. "Honey"you misunderstood what we said. You see problem is for the past few years Matt's been having a lot of the same teachers you had when you were his age and they've been saying things like _'Why can't you be more like your sister'_ to him and it's making frustrated and angry. Since he doesn't why it's so frustrating and making him angry he lashes out at you. I didn't realize that until you father pointed it out to me then explained to me and that's what you overheard."

Mrs. McGuire could clearly see that her daughter didn't understand that any more than she had before her husband explained it to her. "You see honey there are times when Matt doesn't apply himself to his school work and his teachers know that he could do better so they say things like that using you as an example to motivate him to do better. The problem is that he doesn't take it that way and he thinks that they don't like him the way he is and that they want him to become like you literally. Plus the fact that he hears it fairly often and from more than one teacher makes it even worse. So he act's out in school and at home resulting in him getting in a lot of trouble at school and taking it out on you at home. I didn't understand that because I only had one older brother who didn't do as well as I did in school so I never had that happen to me. On the other hand your father has two older brother who were better students than he was, so he had the same teachers that they had he heard it a lot."

After a few seconds of thinking about what her mom had just explained to Lizzie understood Matt's behavior towards her a lot better. "I guess that explains about Matt but what about my mistake in telling Miranda about what I did with John and his friends that caused her to try to kill herself? Or my running off and getting kidnapped then almost being killed. "

"First of all Lizzie you have to understand that you are not responsible for someone else actions even if you made a mistake that seems to have lead to them into doing something. When you told Miranda about had happened to her you had no idea that she do what she did. Plus I'm sure there are other things we don't know about that led to her suicide attempt. No matter how you look at it Miranda is responsible for what she did, not you."

Mrs. McGuire pause for a couple moments as she thought of what to say next. She knew that there was no way that Lizzie would understand that she felt and was in some ways responsible for those horrible things that had been done to her. " As for running off from school you shouldn't have done that but that doesn't make you responsible for what those men did to you. They are the only ones who are responsible for what they did to you."

"What about all the money that it's costing because of those things mom?"

"Like I told you before Lizzie don't worry about the money, that's mine and your father's job. I want you to know that we don't care how much it costs us. All we want is for you to get everything you need to get better."

"But mom I don't really have to have the kung fu lessons like I do the the medicine and stuff."

"At first I thought so too honey, but ever since you asked for them I noticed that you're scared all the time and you can't get better if you're scared all the time. I've been those lessons will certainly help you get over that fear more than any medicine would, so you need them just as much as you do the medicines."

"Well the party is definitely something I don't really need" Lizzie said in a tone that reflected her belief that she was at least right about that.

"Actually I think you need the party more than anything else right now and Dr. Wilkerling agrees with me on that." Mrs. McGuire could see the disbelief on Lizzie's face after she said that. To counter that disbelief she asked her daughter "Lizzie when was the last time that you had fun? I mean the kind of fun that makes you feel completely happy and makes you forget about all your troubles for a while. When was the last time that you had that kind of fun?"

Lizzie was about to say that she'd been happy like that while planning her 15th birthday party with Miranda just before she'd been kidnapped but the truth was that she had only been less afraid and relieved that her secret was out. As she thought about it Lizzie realized she hadn't really been happy the way her mom had just described for a very long time .

"Lizzie honey, if it's taking you this long to answer the question it's been too long." Mrs. McGuire put her arm around Lizzie's shoulders and gave her daughter a reassuring hug. "You need this party and the sooner the better. Now drink your juice."

While Lizzie and her mom had been talking Miranda couldn't help thinking about everything that had happened while Lizzie had been at her house. Even though she was sitting on the couch in front of the TV with it tuned to MTV she found it impossible to pay attention to what was on. When her mom was walking through the room she said "Mom, is Lizzie going to be OK?"

Mrs. Sanchez came to a halt and considered giving the typical affirmative answer that she had given Miranda throughout her childhood when she asked a question like that, but she knew Miranda would believe it this time. "Baby I don't know. I hope so but I really don't know." Mrs. Sanchez couldn't help but feel proud of her daughter's concern for her friend in spite of all her own problems. It wasn't all that long ago that Miranda's first concern would have been her own problems not someone else's.

"When Stevie told me and Lizzie that lunch was ready she said something that really upset Lizzie when I asked her if it was true."

"What was it that Stevie said?" Mrs. Sanchez already had a pretty good guess at what it was but she wanted to be sure first.

"She told me that she was glad that no one was going to throw me away like the bad men did to Lizzie. Then when I asked Lizzie if that was true she got really pale and looked like she might faint or something, so I sent Stevie to get you." Miranda was having a hard time accepting the idea of anyone throwing another person away. She was also unwilling to admit that Lizzie's reaction made it seem as if what Stevie had said was true. "Do you know what Stevie was talking about?"

Mrs. Sanchez had hoped that Miranda wouldn't find out about this so soon She could tell by the way Miranda was behaving right now that the knowledge of this part of Lizzie's ordeal would be much more traumatic for her than it had been for Stevie. "I hate to say this but I really shouldn't tell you about that." As soon as those words were out of her mouth she regretted putting it that way. The hurt look on Miranda's face was plain to see when she heard those words. 

Miranda felt as if her mom had punched her in the stomach but what hurt her even more was the fact that she deserved it. "I guess you shouldn't since I can't keep a secret."

She sat next to Miranda and put an arm around her daughter. "No baby that's not it at all. You see very few people know very much about what happened. Only the McGuire's, the police, the men who found her, the people who did it and of course Lizzie know about it and the police want to keep it that way for now. I only found out about it this morning while talking with Mrs. McGuire and Stevie overheard us talking about it. "

It was bad enough that she had had to explain it to Stevie who couldn't fully comprehend it, but she knew that Miranda would. Mrs. Sanchez knew that it would hurt her oldest daughter a great deal and she wished that she could spare her that hurt. Now Stevie's innocent comment made that impossible. "All that everybody else knows is that Lizzie was kidnapped and raped her then tried to kill her. They don't know that after stabbing her the kidnappers threw her into a dumpster full of garbage."

For several seconds Miranda was unable to say anything. "Oh God, they threw her away like she was a piece of trash. How could anyone do that, it's a horrible thing to do." Miranda was horrified by it nor could she comprehend how someone could do that. "Lizzie's not a piece of trash."

"You're right Miranda, she isn't a piece of trash that you can just throw away, no one is." Mrs. Sanchez paused for a second or so before continuing. "Now that you know about this please don't talk to anyone else about this, not even Gordo, let Lizzie tell them. If she wants them to know about it she'll tell them herself." After a few moments Mrs Sanchez added. "Also don't talk to Lizzie about it unless she brings it up to you first. OK."

"Why shouldn't I talk to Lizzie about it since she already knows about it?"

"Baby how do you feel when there's something you don't want to talk about and Lizzie keeps talking to you about it and asking questions you don't want to answer?"

"I don't like it and I get mad at her, but Lizzie almost never does tha …... Oh I see. I guess you're right about that."

"Just give her some time baby, she'll talk to you when she's ready."

"Do you think she will? I mean why would she, after how I've blabbed about almost every secret she's ever shared with me."

"I can't be sure but I think that she will eventually." Mrs. Sanchez gave Miranda a reassuring hug as she said that. "Now why don't you go get some rest. You look like you could use it." 

Miranda started to protest her mom's suggestion but then she realized that she did feel kinda wiped out now that she thought about it. "Ok, I think I will."

The next day at the end of the school day Gordo met Kate at the exit nearest the student parking lot, just as they had been doing everyday for the last few weeks. As Gordo was approaching her Kate couldn't help thinking about how quickly she had grown to like him and wondered why she hadn't noticed sooner how good looking he was . She was so wrapped up with that observation and it's implications that she missed hearing what he had just said to her. "Huh, I didn't catch all of what you said."

"I said why don't we stop at Miranda's house first." Gordo repeated patiently. "It's on the way to mine and Lizzie's houses from here."

"And then mine" Kate added. "I know that but don't you think we ought to call first." 

"Why? Besides I don't have a cell phone." When Kate gave a surprised look he felt a bit embarrassed and explained "My folks don't think I should have one yet."

"Damn" Kate cursed. "I was hoping you had one because my mom and dad took mine away last week and said I have to pay off my part of the phone bill before I can get it back."

"Oh." Gordo was relieved by Kate's revelation and not just by the fact that he wasn't the only one without a cell phone. The old Kate would never have told him something like that, which made his new found respect for her grow even more. "That sucks."

"Yeah now I have to get a job to earn the money to pay it off."

"Maybe the Digital bean has a job opening," Gordo suggested. "It seems like they're always looking for part-time help."

"I'll check that out on the way home, thanks Gordo." After a second or two Kate chuckled then said, "You remember when Lizzie was working there last year, me and my so called friend Claire were kinda mean to her. It would be just my luck that if I got a job there and those friends would probably be just as mean to me as well."

"I remember Lizzie telling me about that." Gordo said as he recalled Lizzie's story about the incident. "Well you know that me and Miranda wouldn't be mean to you, now. And you know that Lizzie never would have done something mean like that."

"Yeah I know that." Kate thought about her popular friends from junior high and decided tell Gordo what she suspected about them, especially Claire, now. "To tell the truth I think that Claire was only my friend more because I helped make her more popular than because she liked me. In fact I don't think she ever really liked me at all or any one else for that matter. I never realized how mean I had become while hanging out with Claire until I came back from our trip from Rome."

"Huh …... How did that happen?"

"You remember how, at the graduation, I embarrassed Lizzie by making fun of the outfit she was wearing loudly enough for everyone to hear me." Gordo nodded his head yes. "Well about a week after we got back my mom didn't know I was in the house and I overheard her talking to one of her friends in the living room about it. She said that she that she had never been so embarrassed by anything else in her life when I did that and had been so ashamed of me that she almost wanted to leave right then. She also said that I didn't used to be that way up until a couple years ago and she couldn't figure out why I had started acting that way."

"So is that when you stopped being friends with Claire?"

"No, not then." Claire gave Gordo a surprised look. "How did you know I wasn't Claire's friend anymore?"

"Well my first clue was how you've talked about her recently but the biggest clue is that Clare's been saying that she hates you ant that you're a no good backstabbing traitor." Gordo smiled then said "I guess you haven't been listening to the gossip around school lately and don't worry your real friends don't believe any of that one bit. So what was it that changed your mind about Claire?"

"It was when Lizzie was missing and I called Claire and asked her to help me look for Lizzie. She said that she hated Lizzie then called her a bitch and that she never wanted to see her again. Then the day after Lizzie had been found she told that she was disappointed that Lizzie hadn't been found dead. That was when I knew that I couldn't be friends with Claire any more and it also made me wonder how I could have liked such a mean spirited person in the first place."

"Wow, I had no idea that Claire was that mean." Gordo looked shocked by what he had just learned. "I wonder why Claire hates Lizzie so much?"

"I'm not sure Gordo but I think it's because Lizzie makes friends so easily and that even with out trying she was one of the most popular girls at our old school and she's doing at this school too. Plus there's fact that because Lizzie doesn't realize how popular she is she never tries to take advantage of he popularity."

"Really?"

"Yeah really. I'll bet you that by the end of this school year Lizzie will be one of the most popular people in the whole school. She's nice, she honestly likes just about everyone, she'll go out of her way to help people even if they are mean to her, and she's pretty. I'll bet you anything you want that when she goes back to school she won't try to use what happened to her to get special treatment."

By then they were pulling up in front of Miranda's house. As Gordo unbuckled his seat belt he said "I won't take that bet because I know you're right about that." As they walked up to the door Gordo asked something that he'd been wondering about for a while. "Kate how come you didn't try out for cheerleader?"

"What makes you think I didn't?"

"Well I just assumed that since you're such a good cheerleader that you'd make the team if you tried out."

When she heard that Kate suddenly stopped and Gordo could see that she was blushing a little. "Thanks Gordo, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a while." Then she totally surprised him and herself by kissing him on the cheek. "The truth is that I did try out but I wasn't good enough to make the squad, but I was told that I'm on the list of replacements if anyone quits, get's injured or cut from the squad. Plus the coach said unless something happens to me I'd make it next year." After saying that she took the last few steps to the door and rang the bell.

It was less than a minute before Mrs. Sanchez opened the door. "Gordo, Kate it's so nice to see you two."

"Hi Mrs. Sanchez." Gordo greeted her. "I'm sorry we didn't call first but we stopped by to see if we could visit with Miranda."

"That's nice of you but right now Miranda's resting and I don't want to disturb her. Try calling back in an hour so I'm sure she'll be up by then."

"OK, I understand." Gordo's disappointment was obvious even though he tried to hide it and Mrs. Sanchez felt sorry for him. "I'll call back in an hour or so."

Just as Gordo was about to turn and go Miranda appeared at the top of the stairs and said "Mom who's that at the door? Is it Gordo? If it is tell him to come on up."

Mrs. Sanchez said "I guess she's not resting any more so go on up."

Gordo could tell from the look on Mrs. Sanchez's face that he probably shouldn't stay too long. When he turned to Kate he noticed that she had already started heading towards her car. "Hey Kate, don't you want to visit with Miranda?"

Kate stopped and turned towards him when he called out."I really have to go now."

"Why?" He asked then before she could reply he went on to say "I thought you and Miranda are friends now?"

"We aren't really friends right now but I think we will be. Besides I think she just wants to talk to you right now."

"Huh... What makes you say that?"

"Because I saw her looking out one of the upstairs windows as we were walking up to the door. So she knows I'm here as well but she only asked about you." Kate didn't seem to mind being excluded from Miranda's inquiry as much as Gordo did. "Don't worry I'll call her later and make arrangements to come over and visit with her some other time Ok. Maybe tomorrow after school since we gotta help plan that party for Lizzie See you at school tomorrow."

Gordo sighed as he accepted Kate's explanation then said "See ya at school."

While waving goodbye as Kate backed out of the driveway Gordo thought about how fast his friendship with Kate had grown once he actually made an effort to get to know her. When they had found out that Lizzie had rekindled her friendship with Kate both he and Miranda were puzzled by it and told her so. While they had finally accepted the fact that Lizzie and Kate were friends they still weren't willing to give Kate a chance. Then all that had changed when Lizzie had disappeared and Kate had proven to both of them that her friendship with Lizzie was real by her actions. Once Gordo saw that he decided that maybe he was wrong about her and now he was glad they were friends. After Kate pulled out of the driveway he turned and went inside.

Once inside he went upstairs and met Miranda at the top of the stairs. "Hi Miranda, how was your first day home?"

"It was OK." Gordo could tell by the look on her face and the tone of her voice that she was lying but before he could say anything Miranda went said "How was your day?" As she spoke she had started leading the way towards her room.

Gordo didn't reply until they were in her room. "It was the usual day at school." At first Gordo started to take his usual seat on the chair at Miranda's computer desk then reconsidered after noticing how Miranda was moving. He could see evidence of the pain and extra effort in her movements that she tried tom hide from him. He thought that it might be easier for her to sit on the chair than the bed so he offered it to her, which she took with a grateful smile. As she sat down he couldn't help thinking that she looked so much better here at home then she had when visiting her in the hospital just the day before.

"Somehow I don't think it was just the usual day for you." As she spoke Miranda pointed at the cheek Kate had kissed earlier.

His only response was to say "Huh ..." before he looked over at the mirror on her closet door and saw the imprint of Kate's lips in red lipstick on his cheek.

"It's not everyday that a girl kisses you on the cheek." Miranda handed him the box of tissues she kept on her desk as she went on to say "So who is it, who's your new girlfriend?"

Gordo flushed a bit as he took the tissues and began to clean his cheek. As he started wiping off the lipstick Gordo said "It was Kate but she's not my girlfriend or anything like that.. When I told her that since she was such a good cheerleader that she'd make the team if she had tried out that I just assumed that she hadn't tried out for it. She said that was the nicest thing anybody's said to her in a while then she kissed me."

"Oh I see." Miranda rolled her eye's as she spoke with a look on her face that made it clear that she didn't really believe his explanation. They continued to talk about the usual stuff as well as Lizzie's much belated birthday party for the next couple hours. Over the next few days the party was planned the invitations sent out and preparations made for the party to be held that Friday evening.


	32. Lizzie's Party

On the day of the party Lizzie couldn't help feel excited yet she also had some reservations about the party. When she was planning the guest list Lizzie had wanted to just invite her closest friends who had all gone to Hillridge JR. High with her. Miranda had favored her original list of over 30 guests, which had been made before her ordeal. That much larger list had included a good number of new friends and acquaintances she had made since starting high school in addition to most of her classmates from junior high. That old list had equal numbers of boys and girls which made sense for it had originally been planned as a dance party. Her revised guest list had only 10 guests with Gordo, Ethan and Larry being the only boys on the list. Kate had favored the larger dance party as well but had suggested trimming down the number of guests to 20. In the end Lizzie had agree to Kate's suggested list because she wanted her best friends to be happy with the party as well.

Through all the planning there was one person she had insisted on attending party and that was Miranda's cousin Doris. The reason Lizzie gave for it was to have Doris to help chaperone the party. The real reason was not only because Lizzie had always liked Doris from the very first time she had met her all those years ago but ever since Doris had told her about being raped Lizzie felt a sort of kinship with her. Now for some reason she felt like she had to have Doris at the party at least as a chaperone if not as a guest.

After school let out Gordo, Kate and Ethan had gone over to Miranda's house to help Mrs. McGuire and Mrs. Sanchez decorate the room's where the party was going to be held and set up the sound system Ethan had let them use. They also helped by rearranging the furniture in the Sanchez's living & family rooms and opening the divider between them so there would be plenty of room for the party. At first Miranda wanted to have the party in the basement like her last party but but all the adults had unanimously turned down that idea so strongly that she hadn't even dared to ask why. While their friends were working both Lizzie and Miranda wanted to help but their mothers vetoed that idea right off the bat so all they wound up doing was watching the others work. As all this was going on Lizzie had used skills she had learned when keeping her secret from everyone to make it appear that she was just as excited about the party as everyone else while hiding the fact that she really wanted a much smaller party. It didn't take long to get everything ready with plenty of time for Ethan, Kate & Gordo to go home, get ready and return before the other guests began to arrive.

When the guests arrived that evening more about half of them had brought birthday presents for Lizzie even though the invitations had said no presents were necessary. Both Lizzie and Miranda were pleasantly surprised how all their school friends were glad to see for themselves that they were OK and other than that were treating them as they normally did. For the first 10 minutes or so they greeted the new arrivals together but as the party progressed that was no longer possible and they drifted apart to different areas of the party.

At first everything seemed fine and by the time all the guests arrived and the party was in full swing most of the kids there were either dancing or in small clusters talking just loud enough to hear each other over the music. Lizzie had even turned down a number of requests made by boys wanting to dance with her giving them the excuse that she was too sore to dance because here injuries weren't completely healed yet. Soon enough Lizzie had begun to feel edgy for no reason that she knew of. At first she had attributed it to the fact that so many of the boys had asked her to dance when she had no desire at all to dance with anyone but she had to dismiss that idea because the excuse she had given them was somewhat true. She could have danced with some of them for a little while but not for very long before the exertion would have made it too painful. So Lizzie had tried to stay towards the edges of the party so that she wasn't always completely surrounded by the other party goers. The problem with that was that out of habit she was as polite as possible to anyone who came up to talk with her and as a result she found herself repeatedly being drawn right into the middle of everything.

Eventually she found the opportunity she'd been waiting for when no one was around talking to or watching her and she quickly slipped away up the stairs. At first Lizzie had no idea where she wanted to go. When she found herself reaching for the doorknob leading to what used to be her favorite hiding place when playing Hide & Seek years ago she knew it was the perfect place for her right now. It was a dark cozy little spot where it would hard for anyone to find her. It was just the place she needed right now where she could hide and feel safe for at least a little while.

Meanwhile after 15 minutes or so of standing and walking around Miranda found herself wanting to use the wheelchair because her injuries had started hurting just like her doctor and physical therapist said they would if she stayed on her feet too long. At first Miranda had protested against her parents insistence on having the wheelchair they got for her brought out for her to use just in case, but by then she was glad that they had. Eventually she had maneuvered herself to where she had a good view of the dance area. Miranda wished that she could be dancing with all the cute boys that had been invited. Instead she had to be satisfied with sitting in a wheel chair mingling with them making small talk while carefully avoiding answering questions that would be embarrassing to either her or Lizzie.

About 90 minutes or so into the party, which was when they had planned to bring out Lizzie's birthday cake and open any presents that had been brought, Miranda noticed that there were a number of people at the party that hadn't been invited. This pleased her to no end since not only had people crashed the party but the people who had were some of the most popular seniors a their school. She just had to talk to Lizzie about that so she began looking around for her. After a minute or so of looking for her friend she realized that she hadn't seen Lizzie for a while. That didn't worry her much since sitting in the wheelchair limited her ability to search for Lizzie. So she started looking for the one person she knew she could find which was Ethan Craft. He'd been taller than most of the kids in their class to start with but over the past summer he had a growth spurt and was now one of the tallest boys in Hillridge High. Once she found him she slowly made her way over to him and got his attention.

"Hey Ethan, do you know where Lizzie is?"

"No," he replied then quickly added. "I haven't seen her in about 10 or 15 minutes but the last time I saw her she was talking to Parker over by the snack table. If you want I could look for her for you."

"Would you please." As soon as he left to go look Miranda hoped that he understood that she wanted him to look for Lizzie and not Parker.

After only a few short minutes Ethan returned with Parker McKenzie in tow. Miranda let out a little groan when she saw that and just as she was about to tell him what she had really ment Ethan said "I couldn't find Lizzie so I brought Parker instead so she could tell you what she told me."

Both Miranda and Parker rolled their eyes when they heard what he said. "What I told Ethan was that when I last saw Lizzie she was over by the stairs talking to Gordo." Parker explained then continued without pausing "I guess she was tired of all the boys asking her to dance when she didn't want to cause when I was talking to her three boys asked her to dance but she turned them down."As quickly as she had spoken Parker turned to go talk to someone else with out giving Miranda a chance to thank her.

"Thanks Ethan." Now she was starting to get a little worried. "Now I just need to find Gordo."

He flashed one of his dazzling smiles at her then said "Sure Miranda, your wish is my command." Then he took a hold of the handle on the back of the wheelchair then bellowed loudly over the music and conversation. "Make way people, hostess coming through, make way." Then he proceeded to push her towards the far corner from where Miranda had been where Gordo and Kate were talking.

While Miranda and Ethan were doing that over in the dining room area just off the kitchen where Mrs. Sanchez, Mrs. McGuire and Doris Sanchez were sitting keeping an eye on things. They had also noticed that Lizzie was nowhere in sight. At first Mrs. McGuire had started to get worried and wanted to start a full blown search right away.

"Mrs. McGuire I can only imagine what you must feel right now," Doris said in a soothing tone, "but at this point you're over reacting."

"She's right Jo," Mrs. Sanchez commented calmly before Mrs. McGuire could respond. "There's no way that Lizzie could have left with out us seeing her so she's either in the den where Eduardo's at, the bathroom or she went upstairs. So no matter where she went she's still here in the house."

"I guess you're both right." Mrs. McGuire took a couple of deep breaths to help calm herself. "I suppose I am over reacting a bit but after everything that's happened ….."

Mrs. Sanchez offered her friend a comforting hand while saying "There's no need to explain. I'd feel the same way if it was my baby." The look in Mrs. McGuire's eyes told her that she had said exactly the right thing at the right time.

"Mrs. McGuire," Doris said to get her attention. "If it makes yo feel any better I have a good idea where Lizzie might have gone and I'll go look for her. Besides, I'm pretty sure that the reason Lizzie wanted me here tonight was so she could talk to me."

The look on Mrs. McGuire's face when she heard that last part of what she said prompted Doris to say to her aunt "You can tell her while I go look, tía Dani." Then as she got up she added. "Just give us about 15 or 20 minutes."

While Doris was heading for the stairs she heard Mrs. McGuire ask "Tell me what Daniella?"

As she walked away Doris heard her aunt begin telling Mrs. McGuire about her own ordeal that had taken place 8 almost 9 years earlier. When she got to the top of the stairs straight for the linen closet, which had been Lizzie's favorite hiding place while playing Hide & Go Seek when she was little. At back of the closet on the left side there was a cubby that was virtually impossible to see if you didn't know it was there. She opened the closet door and turned on the light and just as she used to do when baby sitting them and just like then she could see Lizzie's faint reflection in the polished brass fixture of the ceiling light. At that moment she couldn't help thinking, _'Thank God, Tia Dani was still a neat freak like she was back then'_ She stepped the rest of the way into the closet and closed the door behind her then sat at the back of the closet where Lizzie was huddled.

Doris didn't say anything she just sat there and watched Lizzie. As she did that a memory of a day nearly eight years ago came back to her. She'd been at her grandmothers house in Mexico City for a little over a couple months at that time. The bruises from the beating had faded away by then but the memories of the brutal rape had still been still fresh in her mind. Her grandparents were hosting a fiesta that evening and at first everything had been just fine. As the party went on she had become more and more uncomfortable and eventually she wound up huddled up in her grandfather's rocking chair in his book filled library with the light off. After a while her grandmother had come in and sat next to her and waited, just as she was doing with Lizzie. Doris knew exactly what Lizzie was feeling now because she had felt the same way then and it hurt her so much knowing that the happy care free little girl she used to baby sit had just been through an ordeal much worse than hers.

When Doris had sat next to her Lizzie had expected her to at least say something but instead she just sat there looking at her. After a few minutes Lizzie finally broke the silence. "I suppose you think I'm being a silly little girl for running off and hiding in a closet at my own party."

"Actually I was thinking about what a brave young woman you are."

"Brave? I'm hiding in here scared out of my wits."

"I know but I did the same thing when I was older than you are now and after twice as much time. When I was staying with my grandparents in Mexico City they had a little party with less than ten of their friends. They were all old people who didn't know anything about my being raped. Then before the party was even half over I went and hid in my grandfather's library in the basement. I was so scared that I was hiding in there waiting for everyone to leave while hoping that no one would notice I had left."

"But that's different...you're different." Lizzie wanted so desperately to explain it but she couldn't see how. The best way she could think of doing that was to merely say "I mean you're not like me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well you're umm... you're so strong, confident and not scared. You arrest people who break the law and throw them in jail, even the scary bad people. I could never do that. I bet you got over being scared and all that really fast."

"Oh Lizzie I wish it had been like that." It was only when Doris paused to wipe her eyes that Lizzie noticed her tears. "The truth is I was scared for a long time. It took me several months after that night for me to stop being so scared that I was afraid to go home. Even when I finally did come home I was still scared, but not as scared as I'd been before."

Lizzie was flabbergasted by Doris' confession and it showed clearly on her face."But you seem so in control and so not scared."

"That's only because I've had lot's of help and years to work on dealing with it. I'm sure you'll handle it even better than I did." She could see Lizzie's disbelief at what she just said so she added. "I'll tell you a little secret. Everyone gets scared Lizzie, even grown ups do. So it's okay to be scared. The only difference is that grown ups have learned how to deal with their fears."

"Really, grownups get scared too?"

"Yes they do. The difference is that grown ups have learned how deal with things that scare them but you haven't fished learning that yet. You will though once you get through this I'm sure you'll be able to handle all kinds of scary stuff that most people can't." Doris could see that Lizzie liked that idea. "Do you know why I think that?"

Lizzie liked the idea of not being scared anymore but at the moment she didn't have a clue how she'd be able to do that. So Lizzie just shook her head no in reply to the question.

"The reason is that you have a lot of people who love you and will help you do that if you just let them. Did you know that after I was raped I was even scared of my dad for a while after that. Then after returning home I did what my grandmother suggested and I sat down all alone with him and talked to him. At first I thought that he'd would be mad at me for being afraid of him but he wasn't. He was just happy that I was talking to him again."

While Doris hadn't actually been afraid of her father she very reluctant to talk and spend time with him until after she'd returned from Mexico. She added the part of her being afraid of him because she thought it might help Lizzie. Which Lizzie did find it very easy to believe that Doris had been afraid of her father and didn't doubt that part of Doris' story.

"But every now and then I keep seeing the men who … " Lizzie's voice choked up and she was unable to speak for a few moments. "It scares me even when I know that they can't possibly be there. What's worse is sometimes it seems like it's happening all over again and ..."

"And you feel like you just have to hide some place safe until it goes away, don't you." Doris finished for her. Doris could see by the look in Lizzie's eyes that she'd bee right to say that. After a minute or so Doris said "Well if we don't show up at your party soon they're gonna come looking for us. By they, I mean your mom. When she noticed that you were were nowhere to be seen she was ready to call out the police and national guard to search for you." When Lizzie heard that she giggled a little bit. "Well if you're ready let's go out there."

* * *

The next morning after breakfast at the Sanchez home Mrs. Sanchez said to Miranda "Whose idea was it to have that many guests at the party last night?"

"Well..." Miranda drew out the word extra long as she quickly thought how to explain it. "We used Lizzie's original list of people to invite. Why?"

"Do you know where Lizzie disappeared to in the middle of the party?" Mrs. Sanchez in a tone that Miranda knew well from times past when she had done something wrong but her mom was giving her a chance to come clean.

"No." Miranda timidly as she wondered exactly where Lizzie had gone off to for a while before reappearing in time for the cake and presents.

"There were so many people there that it scared her enough for her leave her own party. Doris found her hiding in the linen closet upstairs with the light off." Miranda's jaw dropped when she heard that.

When Miranda had asked later where she had gone Lizzie only said that she had just needed some time alone. Miranda had no idea that Lizzie had done it because she was scared. That knowledge she a whole new light on not only Lizzie's actions at the party but on her desire to have a much smaller party as well. "I … I had no idea that's what she did."

"Considering that I find it awfully hard to believe that it was Lizzie's idea to invite so many people at the party" Mrs. Sanchez said giving her daughter another chance to truthfully answer the first question she'd asked without any evasions.

Miranda hesitated for a few seconds before answering. "Well when we started going over who'd be invited I suggested that we just use her original list but she just wanted to just have me, Kate, Parker, Veruca, Brooke, Margaret Chan, Ethan and Gordo at the party at first. We didn't actually argue over it but we did spend a lot of time talking about it, but eventually Lizzie agreed to it."

"So the whole big party thing was your idea, wasn't it?"

Miranda grimaced as she replied. "Yeah, I guess it was."

"Miranda it was her birthday party, not yours. You should have just let her invite as many or as few people she wanted to." Mrs. Sanchez paused to take a deep breath and let it out slowly in an effort to keep from getting worked up enough to lose her temper. Fortunately Miranda had the good sense to not say anything as she did that. "Lizzie's been through enough already with out having things like this happening. You should have known better than to do that. Didn't you realized that's the reason she hasn't been allowed to go back to school yet?"

"No." Miranda answered as she shook her head to emphasize it. Then in an effort to defend herself she added. "When I asked Lizzie where she had gone she didn't say anything about too many people at the party or being scared."

"Miranda don't you dare try to pin any of the blame for what you did on Lizzie. Besides, if it was you, would you have said anything about it to her?" Even though Miranda didn't answer Mrs. Sanchez could tell by the fact that she couldn't look her in the eye exactly what her daughter's answer was.

All Miranda could do was sit there with a horrible sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she thought about how much she had unwittingly hurt her best friend again. She knew that she deserved whatever punishment her mother was about to give her, but she was more concerned about how she could ever make it up to Lizzie. Lately it seemed that in spite of all her good intentions all she managed to do was to hurt her best friend. She wondered how in the hell had she managed to do that so many times in so little time.

After a minute or so Miranda finally looked her mom in the eye and said "I really screwed things up again, didn't I. What really bothers me about all this is that I'll probably screw up again and hurt her even more."

Mrs. Sanchez was truly surprised at what Miranda just said and very proud of her too. "Baby, I'm so glad to hear you say that."

Miranda stared at her mom with a puzzled look on her face. "Huh."

"You recognized and admitted to something you don't like about yourself and that baby is the first step to correcting it. So what are you going to do about it?"

"I guess the first thing I should do is apologized to Lizzie."


	33. Lizzie Faces Her Fears

Ever since the party Mrs. McGuire couldn't stop thinking about what Lizzie had done and why. Prior to that she had thought she truly understood the fears Lizzie had tried to express. She had comforted Lizzie after the nightmares and the flashbacks. She had also spoken with her husband and Dr. Wilkerling about the fear her daughter was experiencing. Fear that fueled those terrifying nightmares and so forth, and was making her daughters life a miserable existence. Because of that she had kept putting off arranging for the kung fu lessons Lizzie wanted to take as a way to help her to face and overcome those fears. Yet it wasn't until Doris had told her where Lizzie had disappeared to during the party and why that she realized she didn't understand it at all. Numerous times throughout the following day she had wanted to confess her error to Mr. McGuire and each time she put it off for some unknown reason. It wasn't until something her mom had said to her on the phone that evening which made her realize that it was her pride that keeping her from admitting her mistake.

Later as she was getting in bed she decided to swallow her pride and said "Sam, I really fucked up."

Mr. McGuire put down the magazine he'd been reading in bed. "What are you talking about?"

"Remember those kung fu lessons I agreed to let Lizzie take. Well I've been deliberately putting off making arrangements for Lizzie to start taking them hoping that you guys would forget about them."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Well you know how I feel about violence. It was bad enough when you had your friend David show Matt enough of that stuff for him to make that video for that stupid contest. Now all of a sudden Lizzie wanted to really learn kung fu. I just couldn't stand the thought of my baby girl learning how to fight, hurt and maybe even kill someone. That was just too much for me."

"But honey that's not really what …." that was all Mr. McGuire got out be fore he was interrupted.

"I know. I know. Both you and Dr. Wilkerling have explained all that to me before. What it comes down to was that I didn't think she needed that stuff to help her get over feelings of fear and helplessness. I really didn't think she was that scared."

"What changed your mind about that?"

"It was what she did at her party. She got so scared that she went and hid in a closet. She was hiding from her friends. Up until Doris Sanchez told me where Lizzie had gone and why I had really thought I understood the fears she had talked to me about, but I was wrong. God, I was so fucking wrong and it's Lizzie who's paying the price for it."

Mr. McGuire moved closer and held her close before saying "Jo, you're not the only one whose mistakes Lizzie's paying for. What's done is done and we have to accept the fact that we can't go back and undo It. Beating ourselves up about what we did wrong won't help Lizzie one bit. All we can do now is to learn from our mistakes and try to do better."

"What mistake's of yours are you talking about Sam?"

"Well for one thing I completely missed all the signs that Lizzie was being abused for so long. Another is that recently I must have said or done something to make her so scared of me that she doesn't even want to be alone in the same room with me."

"First of all Sam I missed all the same signs that you did just like her teachers, the doctor and all the other adults she came into regular contact with did. As for that second mistake you've got it all wrong. It was nothing you did that's causing that. Lizzie believes there must something wrong with her that causes men to lose control and rape her. That's why she doesn't want to be alone with you, Gordo or any other male. Both Dr. Wilkerling and I have all explained to her that nothing wrong with her and that most men, especially not you, not only won't rape her but also find the idea of idea of it repulsive, but so far she doesn't believe us. Plus now that Matt's become interested in girls and has been trying to see her naked isn't helping the situation any."

"What? Does Lizzie know that Matt's been doing that?"

"Oh yeah she knows. The other day when Matt ruined all her clothes she mentioned to me that that was probably why he did it. She even said that she's tempted to let him see her naked just to get it over with but she's afraid that he might try to touch her or maybe even rape her."

"Damn, I'm gonna have to have talk with him soon."

"Sam let me take care of that. I had the same problem with my brothers when I was Lizzie's age. Besides it's not Matt that I'm really worried about. It's her being afraid of you that worries me the most. I just wish I knew of a way to convince her that you won't ever rape her."

"Jo, you know that there is only one way to do that and the sooner it's done the better."

Mrs. McGuire knew exactly what he meant by that and she knew he was right. "I know that. It's just that I wish there was another way that would be easier on Lizzie. She's been through so much lately and …..."

"I know and I feel the same way but there isn't any other way. Tomorrow I'll call my boss at home and tell him that I'll be taking Monday off. Then on Monday morning you can go do all the things you've been putting off. Or better yet why don't you treat yourself to a day at the spa or something like that."

"Well I've been putting off quite a few things while taking care of Lizzie. I could even get her signed up for those kung fu lessons, but I couldn't go to the spa. It just wouldn't feel right."

"I really wish would because you deserve a break even if it's only for a few hours."

"How's this sound? If this idea works I'll take a spa day with Daniella the first chance we get and you can take a day to relax and have fun with your buddies. Because you need a break just as much as I do.

That Monday morning the moment Lizzie had dreaded ever since she had come home from the hospital had finally arrived. Her mom had some important things she needed to take care of and now Lizzie was home all alone with her dad and now her dad had called upstairs saying that he wanted to talk to her. All of her mom's and Dr. Wilkerling's reassurance's that her father wouldn't force her to have sex with him, like all those other men had done, meant nothing to her. She knew different because there must be something wrong with her that made men and boys want to have sex with her so much that they couldn't stop themselves Even Gordo had been affected by it on their last date at school dance a few months ago. It was the only reason Lizzie could think of that explained why all those men and boys had an uncontrollable desire to fuck her and not all the medicines in the world could change that. Maybe Paolo and John had the right idea when they tried to kill her that night.

It had been over an hour since her mom had left when Lizzie finally decided to get it over with. At least by this time the medicine her mom had given before she left and the extra dose she had taken from bottle when her mom wasn't looking had numbed her enough that it wouldn't hurt. The last day of he captivity when all those men had started fucking her in every place they possibly could it had hurt so much. What made it worse than all the other days they had been doing that since she'd been kidnapped was that they just wouldn't stop. They started and had just kept on doing it for hours without stopping. It had seemed like they would never stop and it had hurt so much that she had wanted them to kill her just to make it stop. This time Lizzie knew that at least it wouldn't hurt as much if it happened.

Now that she had made the big decision her next choice was easy in comparison and that was what to wear while she was home alone with her dad. As she was changing her clothes Lizzie found that, even though she was still just as scared, having made the decision it was easier for her to proceed with what she had to do. Ever since she had left the hospital she'd been wondering if whatever it was about her that made all those other men want to have sex with her would affect her father in the same way. Bur regardless of what the would happen Lizzie wanted to get it over with because the waiting and wondering was even worse. At first she had changed from her pajamas into one of the new tee shirts with a colorful sun and a rainbow on the front and pair of jeans cut in the hip hugger style liked. On her way out of the bedroom she stopped as her eye fell on the old robe that her mom had let her use just a few days ago. Just looking at it gave her a small measure of comfort in spite of the horrible fate she was sure that awaited her downstairs.

When she got downstairs he was on the couch using the laptop computer he used for work. "What did you want dad?"

"Hold on just a second Lizzie while I finish this." He made a few quick entries then shut off the computer and set it on the coffee table in front of him. He looked up at her and said "What I wanted to talk to you about was the situation between you and me and what we're going to do about it." As he spoke he had patted the cushion next to him on the couch.

Lizzie had expected him to say something like that in spite of what her mom had told her about him. What she hadn't expected was how much worse she felt about herself when she had truly thought she couldn't feel any worse than she already did. In response she said "That's what I thought." Then she untied the bathrobe belt and shrugged off the bathrobe flung it to the floor three or four feet across the room so it wouldn't be in the way. When she had tossed the heavy robe aside it made her almost completely healed wounds to hurt in spite of the pain meds she had taken. Since she had taken off the shirt and pants before putting on the bathrobe she was now standing completely nude in front of her father. "So what do you want me to do?"

As she waited for his answer Lizzie felt disgusted with the prospect of having sex with her dad. What she really wanted to do was run away and hide but she knew it would be useless to do that so she fought the urge with everything she had. Instead of running away Lizzie stood there patiently while her father stared at he with a look of complete surprise on his face. It took a few seconds for him to get over his initial shock of her actions. "Whoa whoa whoa …. Lizzie, what the hell are you doing?"

She stared at him with a look of surprise on her face for a moment or two unsure of whether or not she should continue standing in front of him or sit next to him on the couch. Then she sat down next to him as she said "I took off my clothes so we can, ummmm... you know have sex."

Even though she tried her best to keep her voice light and pleasant sounding some of her true feelings of disgust made their way into it any way. Lizzie had absolutely no desire to see, touch or have inside her any man's erect penis let alone her father's. All her life he had been the one man she could absolutely trust to never hurt her, protect her and to always love her no matter what. What made her doubt that now was the fact that some of the men who had raped her during her captivity had been people who she'd been taught throughout her childhood that she could trust. In her effort to understand that she had come to the conclusion that something had to be wrong about her that made those men do those horrible things to her. At some point during that process Lizzie had become convinced that her father would be affected the same way by whatever was wrong with her. So ever since she'd come home Lizzie had been afraid of being alone with him. For some strange compelling reason, even though she hated the idea of having sex again, Lizzie just had to know if she had the same effect on her father.

As Lizzie waited for his response she paid close attention. At first he had a look of shock on his face which soon changed into sad look mixed with pain. She had only seen that look on his face once before and that had been when he had learned that his oldest brother had died. Then almost as quickly a cold hard look of anger appeared in his eyes that frightened her.

"Wha …what the..." he said in total surprise. Then after a few seconds he said in the same calm, loving tone he'd always used when comforting her. "Lizzie, I want you to know that I will never, ever, under any circumstances have sex with you. I love you too much to hurt you that way. I'd rather die than do that to you."

Lizzie was tremendously relieved to hear him say that. The only thing that kept her from being deliriously happy about it was the memory of that look of intense anger in his eyes. Then she realized that she was sitting next to him with no clothes on. She could feel her cheeks and the back of her neck start get hot as she started to blush. As she looked at the robe she had flung to floor her dad went picked it up for her as if he had read her mind.

"I guess I'm in big trouble for doing this, aren't I" she said as she tried to get the robe ready to put back on. When she had pulled the robe off it had not only gotten balled up but it had been turned inside out as well.

He sighed before replying"No Lizzie you're not in trouble. Why do you think you're in trouble?"

As he had been speaking Lizzie tried to get the robe straightened out but now that the rush of fear induced adrenaline subsided her hands had started trembling making the task that much harder. As she fumbled with it while Lizzie became more and more embarrassed which just made it harder for her to do. So after a few more seconds of that her dad took it from her and got it all straightened out in no time flat. Then he held it out so that it would be easy for to step into it once she stood up. While doing that he had repeated his question.

Lizzie got up and stepped into the robe before replying "Because you looked so angry when I did that." She forced herself to look up at his face but couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes. "It scared me when I saw it."

"Oh God, no Lizzie I'm not angry at you, I'm not mad at you at all. I'm so sorry for scaring you but believe me, I was... am angry at those men and all the things they did to you." She could see him tensing up as he spoke about that. "How could I not be angry at the people who abused my daughter, who I love more than life, so badly that she not only thinks I'd do the same thing to her but she thinks that it's all her fault as well. Then they try to kill her and throw her into a trash bin to die. God how I hate them."

Lizzie had never seen this side of her father. All through her life he had always seemed like a light hearted happy person who loved her even when he'd been angry about something she had done wrong. Now he looked and sounded like he wanted to kill all the men she had had sex with, especially the ones who tried to kill her. As she thought about it it made her feel good even though it was scary too. She couldn't think of anything to say in response to that.

After almost a minute of silence he said "Lizzie I hate to ask you this but when you offered to have sex with me did you really want to do it?"

Lizzie was surprised by the question. Of all the things he could have said to her that was something she'd have never have thought he'd say. It was one of the easiest yet at also the hardest questions she could answer. "No, I didn't but ..." She couldn't finish saying that she would have would have done it in spite of how much she hated the idea of having sex. She could tell from the look on her father's face that she didn't need to. She had no idea of how to go about telling him that she never wanted to see, touch or have inside her another penis in her ever again like she wanted to tell him. The very thought of it repulsed and sickened her beyond words. She also wanted to explain that because all those men were so much bigger and stronger than her there had been nothing she could have done to stop them. That was the reason why she wanted to learn kung fu. She could see by his expression and the look in his eyes that he understood that without her having to tell him.

The the next few hours went by in what seemed like, to Lizzie, an endless dream like time. Later Lizzie couldn't recall what they had talked about during that time or even if they had talked at all, but she'd always remember it as one of the happiest times of her life.


	34. Regrets

A few hours later as the euphoria of the pain killers wore off Lizzie began to get a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach about what she had done to her dad earlier. As she sat on the bed watching the TV without really seeing what was on the screen she wondered if she could ever face him again after what she had done. "God, I really fucked up this time," she said out loud to herself. "Why can't I get anything right?"

While she was busy mentally kicking herself for her failings both real and imaginary her mom knocked on her bedroom door. "Lizzie can I come in?"

When Lizzie heard that she thought _'I'm really gonna get it now.'_ She grabbed the remote and shut off the TV then answered loud enough to be heard through the door"Sure."

Mrs. McGuire entered the room then pulled out the chair at the desk and turned it so she would be facing Lizzie when she sat down. The sick feeling intensified when Lizzie saw that because she knew she was in for one of her mom's serious discussions about something she'd done wrong. As her mother did that thought's of what she had to her father earlier and how ashamed she was of her actions raced through her mind. She considered just waiting until her mom brought it up or to bring it up first and hope her mom wouldn't be too mad at her. In the end her habit of not talking about such things if at all possible won out.

Once she was seated Mrs. McGuire said "Lizzie I have something important to ask you and I need an honest answer no matter what."

Lizzie hated when her mom said things like that because she knew that any vague or ambiguous answers wouldn't be accepted. There would be no wiggle room for her to not admit it without lying. Hiding something by not saying anything about it was different and she was good at doing but not lying. She never could lie to her mom without being caught and she knew that well from past experience. So in response to what her mom had just said Lizzie sighed as she nodded her head slightly in agreement.

Mrs. McGuire took a medicine bottle out of her pocket and showed it to Lizzie. "I just noticed a little bit ago that there are fewer pills in this bottle than there should be. Did you take them?"

Lizzie didn't need to look to know that it was the Vicodin bottle her mom was showing. She mentally added not realizing her mom would notice the missing pills to the growing list of ways she had messed up that day while thinking _'I'm being such a damn idiot today'_. She nodded her head as she decided to just get it over with as quickly as possible. "Yeah, I took them," then after a split second's hesitation went on to answer the obvious next question before her mom asked it. "But I only did it to make sure it wouldn't hurt this time just in case."

As soon as those words were out of her mouth Lizzie thought _'Oh God, why did I just say that?'_ as she realized that it was about the worst way she could have answered the question she' known was coming. While waiting for her mom's response she couldn't help thinking _'Why am I being so fucking dumb today?'_

Mrs. McGuire was a little bit surprised by Lizzie's response and also a little afraid to ask what it was that she was referring to. What do you mean by that? Make sure what wouldn't hurt?"

Right then Lizzie knew that there was no way her mom wouldn't let it go until she answered the question and since she never could lie convincingly when answering a direct question her only option was to answer the question truthfully. She sighed loudly before telling her mom what she had done that morning while alone with her dad. She managed to tell her mom about it with only minimal details and the briefest explanation of why. Then she added how bad she felt about what she had done.

Mrs. McGuire was stunned by what her daughter was telling her. She'd known from some of the things Lizzie had said and done recently that something like this happening was possible. Dr. Wilkerling had even told her a couple times it was likely that Lizzie would exhibit uncharacteristic behavior during the early stages of her recovery, which was not unusual in cases like this. She had thought that she was ready for what ever form it might take, yet when faced with the reality it was almost more than she could handle. While it had left her emotions in such a turmoil that it felt almost unbearable she instinctively knew that if she didn't remain calm and collected it would make her daughter feel even worse than she already did about it.

After Lizzie finished talking Mr. McGuire took few slow deep breaths to calm herself before she said

"Lizzie, darling I'm glad you told me about that and first of all I want you to know that what you did won't make your father and I love you any less than we already do. There is nothing that you could say or do that would make us stop loving you so you can talk to us about anything at any time. OK."

Lizzie had heard her mom and dad say that too many times to count but her experiences in the past five years had made her believe it even less than she already had. Yet this time when her mom said it it seemed to Lizzie that she might actually mean it. She couldn't help wondering if she really could tell them about all the dirty and disgusting things she'd been so careful to keep secret. After considering that idea for a few seconds Lizzie felt uncomfortable just thinking about it which made her realized that she could never do it. Then suddenly it hit her what her mom's reaction to what she'd just told her really ment.

"Dad didn't tell you about me taking off my clothes, did he?"

"No he didn't. All he told me was that you two had a long talk and everything was straightened out between you two." Then by force of habit Mrs' McGuire couldn't help adding "It is straightened out isn't it?"

Lizzie took a couple moments as she remembered how happy she was when her dad had refused her offer that morning along with his reassurance that he would never do anything like that because he loved her too much. She smiled as she replied "Yeah it's all straightened out."

Lizzie couldn't help thinking about how her mom had been right about how her dad felt about her and how wrong she'd been to not believe it. She felt so sorry about not believing what her mom had told her and said "Mom I'm so sorry for not believing what you told me about dad and how he feels about me."

Mrs. McGuire was tempted to tell Lizzie that she didn't need to apologize but the look in her daughter's eyes told her that she needed to apologize so very much. It was a hard thing for her to do when she knew that in comparison with her's and Sam's failing in their duty to protect her, the mistakes Lizzie had made earlier were of little consequence. Mrs. McGuire felt as if she should be the one apologizing to Lizzie for failing to notice that something was wrong from the very beginning and failing to protect her from the abuses she had endured. ""That's OK honey, I understand why you didn't believe that and don't worry about it."

While her mom responded to her apology, Lizzie noticed that her mom was fidgeting with the medicine bottle. Then just as she wondered if her mom had forgotten about the extra pills she had taken earlier Mrs. McGuire said "Now about these pills, I don't want you to taking any more of these again without asking me first." Her mom shook the pill bottle causing the remaining pills to rattle around inside the container. "These are a narcotic drug. Do you know what that means?"

Lizzie wasn't sure but judging from the way her mom said the word narcotic it probably wasn't good. She vaguely remembered that it might have been mentioned in the drug awareness part of last years health class. Unfortunately she couldn't be sure of that because that was when she, Miranda, Kate, Veruca along with half of the girls in her class had a crush on Mr. Keith who had been substituting for Mrs. Stebel. Now she wished that she'd paid more attention to what was going on in health class than day dreaming about Mr. Keith and thinking of ways to get him to notice her instead of all the other girls.

Mrs. McGuire took her daughter's silence as a negative reply to her question and went on to explain it. "It means that as long as you take them the way the doctor prescribed them they're OK and control the pain. But if you abuse them by taking more than you're supposed to they not only kill the pain they also make you high, stoned or whatever you kids call it these days. When you're like that you can't think clearly and you're more likely to do things you wouldn't normally do. Also if you abuse them you can get addicted to them and start taking more and more of them. When you do that they can have some really bad side effects. You can even die from taking too many of them."

As soon as she said that Mrs. McGuire choked up so that she couldn't continue what she was saying. Until recently even remotely considering the possibility of one of her precious babies dying was virtually impossible, but now that it had almost happened it had become a very real possibility. Now it was something that she could never again ignore or dismiss like she'd done in the past and it scared the hell out of her. After a second she was able to continue. "Promise me that you'll never take any more than the directions say to."

Lizzie was still focusing on the where her mom said that taking too many of the pills could make her not think clearly or do things she wouldn't normally do when she realized that her mom was waiting for her reply. It took a second or so for the rest of what her mom said to register. Lizzie was about to answer in her usual somewhat ambiguous manner but when she saw the scared look in her mom's eyes she knew her mom was really serious about it. So Lizzie nodded her head as she said "Of course I will. I promise that I'll never take any more this medicine than the prescription says or any other medicine ever again."

As she said it Lizzie realized that, even if her mom hadn't given all those reasons not to take so many pain pills again, she meant every word of what she said. When she took the pain killers as directed it only reduced the pain but taking more of them didn't make the pain go away she had thought it would. They did make her feel weird when she took too many. It felt lot like when she was really tired and couldn't think straight, which was a feeling she hated.

"Mom I feel really bad about what did to dad this morning and I'm really, really sorry. Can you tell him that for me?"

"I could, but it would be better if you told him yourself."

"I want to but I don't know if I should. I mean I don't want to upset him or make him angry."

Mrs. McGuire was a bit puzzled by Lizzie's reply. "Why do you think he'd get angry by you apologizing?"

"Well he said that he wasn't angry at me but I could tell that when I did those things it made him really upset and angry. It kind of scared me at first cause I thought he might hit me or something then he calmed down. So I don't think I should apologize and remind him about it again because really don't want to take a chance on upsetting dad again"

Mrs. McGuire moved from the chair and sat next to Lizzie and hugged her as she said "Oh sweetie, one thing can promise you is that no matter how angry and upset is at you, or something you do, your father will never, ever hit you or deliberately do anything to hurt you. Can you remember any time the he's ever hit you?" Lizzie shook her head no. "And he never will in the future either. In fact I'm sure he didn't mean to scare you." Mrs. McGuire pause for a couple seconds the n added "I'm going to talk with him in a few minutes any way and if you still want me to I can give him you apology but I really think it would be better if you did it yourself. Not only would it mean more to him, it would also make you feel a lot better too if you apologized yourself."

After saying that Mrs. McGuire got up to leave the room. Lizzie watched as her mom put the chair back where it belonged as she left the room. She thought about what her mom had just said Then before closing the door her mom said "Please think about it at least."

"Yeah, sure." Lizzie muttered to herself after she hear the door click shut. She considered turning on the TV but decided to listen to some music instead. She picked up the four CD's she'd gotten as gifts at the party. The first one was Avril Lavigne's Let Go, the next was The Calling's Camino Palmero, the n Pink's _Missundaztood_ and the last was a Greatest Hits CD by a band she never heard of before called Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. She knew she wasn't in the mood to listen to Avril Lavigne or Pink's music and The Calling's stuff was being played to death on MTV and the radio. When she opened the last one there was a note in it.

_Lizzie, I know it's old music but I think you'll like it._

_Gordo_

Lizzie smiled when she read it. Leave it to Gordo to give her some old music when everyone else gave her music that was popular now. She said "What the heck, I might as well get it over with. Maybe I'll even like it." Then she put it in her CD player.

* * *

While Lizzie was listening music Mrs. McGuire was about to put Lizzie's medicine back where she always kept the medicines when she paused to consider if she should put it some where else. Until now neither of the kids had ever taken any medicine from there without her permission. In fact she'd always had to make sure they took their medicine when they should since both of them had a tendency to forget about it just like their father did. She started to take the pain and antidepressant medications down from the shelf when she heard Sam come into the kitchen and started pouring a cup of coffee.

"What are you doing Jo?"

She looked at the pill bottles in her hand and silently asked herself the same question. She wondered why she was doing it after Lizzie had promised not to take any more of them than she was supposed to. While her daughter was by no means the perfect child who never did anything wrong she had never broken a promise to her before. She sighed as she put them back then closed the cupboard. "I don't know Sam."

When Mrs. McGuire turned to face him she saw him placing two cups of coffee in front of their usual spots at the table. "Earlier when I was filling Lizzie's pill box for this week I noticed that there was some Vicodin tablets missing. When I asked her about the she said she took them and I was about to move Lizzie's medicines so she couldn't take more than she's supposed to any more."

"But..." Mr. McGuire said when she paused for a moment.

"But, she promised me that she wouldn't do that anymore. I'm sure sooner or later she'll notice it if I move them and I don't want her to think I don't trust her." She

While she'd been talking he had sat in his spot then motioned towards her chair once she finished speaking. After she sat down Mr. McGuire said "We've got one very tough and very brave daughter."

Mrs. McGuire was a bit surprised by what he just said. It was obvious that he was trying to change the subject but at first it seemed a strange thing to say yet considering everything that Lizzie had been through it was very true. "Yeah she sure is." She took a drink of coffee before continuing. "Sam, why didn't you tell me about what Lizzie did this morning?"

"I thought it would be better if you heard it from her first."

"I suppose you're right about that, but I still think you should have let me know about something this important."

"And if I had told you about it, what would you have done?" Then without giving her a chance to respond he answered the question for her. "You would have gone and confronted her about it then try to fix it even though I had already handled it. This isn't something that _**you**_ can fix Jo. By doing it this way she was helping herself before you could jump in and meddle with something between me and Lizzie that had already been dealt with."

Mrs. McGuire started to open her mouth to protest when he added "You know I'm right Jo."

She knew he was right about how she would have reacted if he had told her about it first. She was glad that he knew her so well and knew how and when to prevent her from doing something she'd regret later. That was one of the things she loved about her husband even though it was often irritating as well.

"Yeah I guess you're right." She took a drink of her coffee then said "You know Sam she feel's terrible about what she did to you this morning. She's worried sick about it and you might mad or upset with her or that you might not love her any more because of it."

"She shouldn't be worried abut that at all." It was clear from the look on his face that Mr. McGuire was hurt by the idea that his daughter might think he wouldn't love her any more. "I explained it to her that I wasn't mad or upset with her and that there was nothing she could ever do that would make me love her any less."

"I know you did and I'm sure it seemed like she understood you but she didn't. She doesn't understand because she can't. Sam, how in the hell can a 15 year old girl possibly understand a parent's viewpoint on what she did this morning let alone everything she's been through that led to it."

"Maybe I should try to explain it to her again later."

"How Sam? Just how are you going to explain it so she can understand it. It's like trying to explain what it feels like to hold your newborn child for the very first time or what true love feels like or what being married to the love of your life feels." She paused for a few moments to let it sink in. "All we can do is to help her to understand what she can when she can."

"Yeah I suppose you're right." Then he took a big drink of his coffee before saying, "I suppose when it comes to our kids I'm just as bad about wanting to fix everything as you are."

Mrs. McGuire smiled at that admission. "Sam, Lizzie wants to apologize to you about what she did this morning but she's afraid to because it might make you angry or upset you."

""What!" he exclaimed in surprise. "I'd never get angry or be upset by any apology she might make."

"That's what I told her."

"Besides Jo, she doesn't need to apologize at all. In fact I owe her an apology. I let her down so much. I'm supposed to protect her from the things that happened to her. I should have known right away when something was wrong with her but I didn't. I could apologize to her every hour of every day till the end of time and it wouldn't be enough."

"I know Sam and I feel the same way but she needs to apologize even though, as far as we're concerned, she doesn't need to. The problem is that she'd never understand that until she has kids of her own. Anyway I told her to at least think about it and I'm pretty sure that sometime later today she will apologize to you. When she does I want you to accept it with out saying that she doesn't need to apologize. OK."

It took him a few seconds to respond but she could almost hear the thoughts running through her husband's mind. "Sure, I'll do it but it just doesn't seem right. She's been through hell and I wish there was something I could do to make it all better but it's going to take time for her to get over it. Then when something like what happened this morning or at the party it just makes me so angry."

"I know because it makes me angry too." Mrs. McGuire sighed as she thought about how at times it made her angry enough to wish that the men who did to be executed it the most excruciating way possible.

* * *

While her parents were talking Lizzie she listened to music. At first she listened to the CD Gordo had given her but after listening the the first couple songs she shut it off because it was too sad and also sounded a lot like the music her mom & dad listened to. She considered putting in one of her other CD's then decided to turn on the radio instead. At first it was tuned to the station she usually listened to but she wasn't in the mood to listen to the sappy pop love songs the station played. So she scanned the channels until she found a station playing a song that really caught her attention. After the song ended the DJ announced that the song had been Roller Coaster by Blink 182 then said after the commercial break there would be a block of 5 songs by the same band.

As she listened to that block of songs she mentally beat herself up for being so stupid earlier. She found it hard to believe what her mom said about her dad not being mad at her after what she had done. She knew that wasn't true because she had seen the the anger smoldering in his eyes afterward. At first she had believed him when he said he wasn't mad at her but thinking about it later Lizzie had remembered that John Larson & Paolo Valisari had said similar things not too long before they stabbed her then threw her in the trash to die.

The memory of it was so vivid that it was almost as if she was there again. They had caught her begging some of the men raping her to kill her so the pain and humiliation would end. By that time she was hurting in ways and places she'd never imagined was possible. At first both of them looked very angry, then they had talked to her in calm soothing tones and convinced her that it would all soon be over. They said that if she cooperated and did what they told her to it would be over sooner and they'd let her go that much sooner. They had lied. Once they were done with her Paolo had a couple men throw her in the trunk of a car . They hadn't even given her a chance to put on any clothes on so she had lain naked in the cold dark trunk shivering for what seemed like hours terrified at what might happen next. Then then the car started moving swaying back and forth as it went to where ever it was going.

When the car stooped she came alert as if she'd been sleeping and someone had made a loud noise while shaking her. At first it was pitch black then the car's trunk opened up. As the lid was lifted the trunk was flooded with the blue light of a security light which seemed as bright as the noonday sun after the total darkness she had been in. Then two giant demons reached in and lifted her out of the trunk as if she was a child's doll. They stood her up in front of John and Paolo and held her there in an unbreakable grip with their talons so she couldn't escape. She was so scared that she didn't even notice the cold night air raising goose bumps on bare skin.

Paolo was the first to speak. He had an evil grin on his face as he said "You have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this moment, you God damn bitch." Paolo practically barked out the last four words. "Ever since you and your evil twin Isabella humiliated me and made me a laughingstock in front of the whole world on TV I've been dreaming of this moment." As he spoke Lizzie could see a look of pure hate in his eyes. Right then she knew he was going to kill her and there was nothing that could stop it. He was no longer the cute and sexy Italian boy she'd been attracted to just a few month ago when she had hopes of leaving he dirty past behind and living a normal life. Now he was a diabolical fiend with his face all twisted up with hate."While I can't touch that fucking whore I can and have been making you pay for what you did to me. Lucky for me that I found someone who told me not only where to find you but he put me in touch with someone who could take care of everything I needed to take my revenge on you. That person was John here, who I found out later was also your old friend and lover."

"Umm, make that ex-lover," John said correcting him. He gave Lizzie a smile that chilled to the core then he said."After Paolo explained everything to me, I was the one who pointed out how he could use you to humiliate, maybe even make that Isabella bitch more reachable, while getting his and my revenge on you. You didn't really think I'd let you send me back to prison, did you? Besides that by doing it this way we can make some money while we're at it. Like I pointed out to him, you always were and still are a pretty little thing and pictures & videos of pretty little girls sell quite well. I also convinced him to make your death a long slow one." As he spoke John pulled out a wicked looking knife and lightly touched it's cold steel tip to her throat. The way I see it you don't deserve a quick & painless death. Not only that but we're also gonna throw you in the trash because now that we're done with you that's all you are. You're nothing but a sex toy for men to use then throw away once they're done. You're nothing but trash. A worthless piece of trash."

Those words echoed in her mind getting louder each time they repeated. Then suddenly she heard a deep gravely voice came from the car that sounded to her as if it belonged to a monster from the pits of hell. "Dispose of the bitch and let's get going, we've got a lot of work to do before I leave for home."

After hearing that Paolo held out his and towards John and said "I believe the honor of the first strike is mine."

As he moved towards her with the knife Lizzie started screaming. She struggled to get away but the grip of the two thugs holding her was so strong that here efforts were useless. Then she felt the knife pierce her skin. The pain and shock of it cut off her screams. As Paolo withdrew the blade from her abdomen her legs buckled beneath her and she would have fallen to the ground if she wasn't being held up.

Time became distorted for her as it seemed to both slow down yet speed up at the same time. Each time the knife entered he body it seemed agonizingly slow yet it happened too fast for her to count them. First Paolo was stabbing her then all of a sudden it was John stabbing her. Both of them looked like devils from hell as they were stabbing her. Then the next thing she knew she was being thrown into one of the nearby trash bins. This brought new levels of pain as rough handling aggravated the stab wounds she'd just received causing her to involuntarily cry out. Then suddenly she was plunged into darkness as the lid to the bin was closed.

As she lay there in the darkness surrounded by the foul smells of trash and garbage it seemed like the filth was trying to pull her deeper inside of it. Yet as painful and difficult as it was she struggled as much as she possibly could to escape that pull. While she was doing that a little voice in her head kept trying to tell her that none of this was real. It said that she'd been rescued and was safe at home and that all this was just one more nightmare that she'd soon wake up from. Then another voice said it all was real and that it had happened and still was and that her rescue was just an impossible dream. It seemed like s those two voices warred in her head for control as she laid in the trash dieing slowly.

After an endless time she realized that the lid to the trash bin was open again and she was no longer in total darkness. Some how she knew that it had been open for a while but she couldn't remember when it had opened. She also vaguely remembered hearing other voices than the ones arguing in her head. Then she saw a face looking down at her but she couldn't see who it was. It took a tremendous effort of will power but she finally focused her eyes enough to see her dad's face looking down at her lying in the trash. She tried with every ounce of strength she had left in her body to call out to him for help. At first nothing happened but she kept trying with all her might and then she could hear her own voice calling out to him weakly. "Dad, please help me. Please save me dad."

At first there was no sign on his face that he had heard her pleas for help. Then his eyes widened a bit and he leaned in a tiny bit closer. When she saw that Lizzie felt hope returning to her giving her a measure of strength which she used to redouble her cries for help. After she did that he started to reach out his hand towards her. Then when his hand was almost within reach it suddenly stopped. After his hand had stopped moving towards her Lizzie added promises to pleasure him in any way he wanted whenever he wanted to her pleas for help. When her dad heard that a look look of revulsion then anger appeared on his face. The next thing he reached up and slammed the lid closed on the bin, plunging her once more into darkness.

At first Lizzie was too stunned by what her dad's reaction then she started crying out as loudly as she could "I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry for everything I did. Dad I'm so sorry." She kept saying those words over and over again in hopes that he'd hear them and forgive her.

Then she woke up with he mom gently shaking her while saying "Wake up Lizzie, wake up. It's just a bad dream honey. Every thing's alright."

It took Lizzie a few seconds to finish waking up and realize that it had all just been another nightmare and that she wasn't dying while laying in the garbage as if she was just another piece of trash. When she saw her dad standing next to her bed along side her mom with a worried look on his face she recalled what she had done to him that morning. She knew that she had to apologize for what she'd done and ask for his forgiveness regardless of how he might react. "Dad I'm sorry for what I did this morning. I'm so ashamed of myself and I promise I'll never do anything like that ever again. I'm really, really sorry and I hope that you'll forgive me."

Lizzie hung her head in shame not daring to look him in the eyes while waiting for his response. She wouldn't blame him if he didn't accept her apology and forgive her even though she so desperately needed it. She need it more than anything else right then, even more than life itself. That thought totally surprised her because it seemed like something out a romance novel yet it was so true.

"Of course I forgive you." When she heard him say that Lizzie let out the breath that she'd been unaware of holding.

"I love you so much Lizzie and there is nothing, nothing at all that you can do that would change that. Don't worry about this morning OK baby. I just want you to get better and I'll do anything and everything that I need to to help you do that."


End file.
